Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

28 November 2007

Relationships In All Forms, Nov 28, 2007

I have been going through some revisits, encounters, playing listening post, evaluating my own responses and coming of age in the aspect of relationships. And I am left wondering if ever I might find a suitable man - the idea seems almost far-fetched and near impossible at this time or juncture of my life and I have a sense of hopelessness in this area and hence have shoved it down my list of priorities. But like all festering unresolved wounds, the theme revisits me in so many unfanthomable ways, and I find unbearably irritating.

I think this is the case because, I am always surrounded by people either falling in love or falling out of love and in both instances they usually think I would be interested to know their current rating on the relationship scale - what they fail to realise is I was brought up to be polite and hence I remain polite through their entire display of emotions and whilst advising where needed, I am internally going through a series of rollercoaster like emotions with regards to my own past relationships and well current void and singlehood more out of circumstance than by choice.

I would love to be in some amazingly exciting relationship with sex and love making that made you see all colours or the rainbow, where there was a man whose arms I could fall into at the end of each day and know without words merely by his embrace that he loved me spots, flaws and love handles. Coming through the doors of the place we call home, I am greeted by the lively chattering of my girls and their dad, the smell of all things familiar and that amazingly turning on scent I pick up when near a man who I call mine ... yup I am as mushy and idealistic perhaps like most females, dreaming of something that isn't mine, one I can't even remember having actually ... *sighhhh*

SLAP!!!!! wake up ani - smell the freaking bloody reality that surrounds you!

So here I am in my realities of singlehood ... although please don't misunderstand me ... a man's presence is not essential for me to feel complete or whole - hell I subscribe to being whole in my own self ... just that's its really nice feeling to know someone loves you too , you know what I mean???

I have a friend, who went home to her homeland many years after a divorce in some foreign place, and apparently she's met someone and there's love blossoming between them ... and I am happy for her ... I am always happy for people who find love and happiness they have been searching for. Kinda gives me the hope that YES perhaps just maybe, by some accidental alignments of stars, my chap is out there searching for me too ... haahha SHITS! and I don't even watch fairy tales anymore!!!! What the hell am I thinking???

But essentially I am like everyone else - the knowledge that you mean something to someone else and that they feel as excited at being with me as I am being with them.

There is a lady I know, she's 52 and been married 22 years with 3 almost adult chilren and she found out in the last few months that her husband has been carrying on an long term affair with his also married now grandmother girl friend from his younger days. After all these years, you can imagine how cheated and stupid this lady feels. She tells me that some 12 years ago, there was a big row and arguement when she chanced upon the photo of this ex in her husband's wallet and he'd promised to end this nonsense and concentrate on their family. She took his word and left it be. Over the years, she's worked many jobs and made it her priority to educate her children and assusre financial security for the family.

What has the husband been doing? Well behind his wife's back he as been carrying on the affair. What does the woman in question's still living husband and grown children do??? They turn a blind eye - seeing as they benefit from this relationship from the moronic man whilst his wife slogs to keep the family going.

As she sits with me pouring out her heart and her pain at being played the fool for so long and for the same woman, I see flashes of my own failed marriage. The difference between us, is that she wonders how will she make it if she were leave him. I on the other hand, agreed to my husband's announcement of wanting a divorce. My only condition was he provide financially for the upbringing of the kids, I was not about to play wronged wife and hold on to a man who was cheating on me - I think I had some self respect left, maybe I was just plain in shock!

Well Nov 22 marked year 5 of this separation from the man I decided was the one who was going to be my all my everything - haahah now without those bloody rose hued shades I see much with clarity I did not back then. I've spent time musing (usually on the long drives I have daily) on the various opportunities that came my way some 12 years ago, and how on consulting this man of my then so called dreams, would usually say "oh .ani don't go, I can't live without you near me" ahhahahahahahahaha please someone hand me some tissue ... these tears are both stinging and painful as well tragically comic!

It's 5 years now, he's been away, and he's living it alright, happier it seems to be away from me and the girls. I guess like seasons, flavours change. I was the flavour of the season of 95 till probably 2000 and then it changed ... maybe even that season is merely me trying to make it seem like he cared, but anyhows its over now.

I was recently in Bangkok at a conference, and I met some people who were at similar programs like myself in 1995 Sri Lanka and today, they are active ecumenical workers for the Church and its members. They took opportunities that were before them, and are reflections of their work and commitment to faith and mankind. And I know had I made different choices, with the energy, enthusiasm and dedication I have in me, I too would be probably sitting on some working group in Geneva by now, pushing for more good works to reach the masses. I know I have what it takes, but I made choices that hinged on the needs of others - I have no one else but myself to kick for where I am today.

Envious? Maybe a little. But I see where I have been in these last 12 years, where I have been in the last 5 years since my little world and plans collapsed, where I have been even in the passing year ... I realise I am still evolving and growing and learning and still reaching out, with the aim to make a difference that counts positively in the lives of those I come in contact with and also to myself.

I have learnt that I have changed so much in all this time. I am now a very different person and yet so much the same. I know where I am, I am defining what I want, I am forgiving those who hurt me, I ask for forgiveness from those inadvertantly I may have hurt, and mostly I try to remind myself that all these trials are but tiny steps in a greater journey.

We make plans, we have visions of where we want to be. Somehow, life throws us a curve ball shattering our delusional myths revealing realities that we'd like to avoid addressing. I guess it is really in the bounce back that makes the difference between the yous and mes - how fast we recover to pick pieces up and try again.

Perhaps I might seem idealistic, even to a point of fooling myself into believing I am alright, but I know I am alright, I am doing better today at managing my life than I was 5 years ago when I found myself suddenly husbandless thanks to the presence of another woman. I was devastated. Today, I still hurt sometimes, but more often I am able to laugh and make jest of my predicament. We have to learn to laugh at our misadventures and heed the lessons. We are the only ones that will make a difference to our lives - nobody else can nor is willing to take that responsibility.

Relationships in all its forms is a struggle between giving and taking, finding the right balance is what matters - am still working on my end. I hope you are too. That's the only way to self sanity preservation and self found happiness.

You think? ....

No comments: