Life Begins Now, Not Tomorrow

Communication Is An Art .... Jan 31, 2012

2012-02-01T02:32:00.001+08:00

Anyone who has ever met me usually remembers me as the noisy one. Always talking, sometimes strong opinions. Other times non-committal. But always clearly audible.

That may not have always been a positive thing. But honestly it was my way of covering up my own nervousness.

I can still talk both sense and nonsense with earnestness with most anybody. Even strangers find it easy to have a chat while waiting in queues or on flights.

But I find two terrifying circumstances when I should speak that I completely lose my art of communicating.

1. When in the work environment. And especially when I've had a few obvious indications my opinion means nothing. So even if I know it's worth sharing, I hold my silence. Does me favours obviously in my advancement. I get frustrated. I have all these powerful sentences stewing in my mind but never verbalised.

2. When its my immediate family. My sister calls it the ani syndrome. When something upsets me I choose to crawl into a well of silence or immediately change topics and avoid addressing the matter. Once again detrimental to my own sanity.

If I can wax lyrical and be so eloquent in other circles, why am I challenged with these particular scenarios.

Come to the conclusion that I am afraid of saying my mind (in being typically cautious ani) and burning bridges all around. Family is important and well pay cheques keep bills at bay and food in the belly.

Casual interactions, forums, workshops are all meant to explore and define oneself. Work and family on the other hand perceptions are precariously pivotal. And yet I realise these are the two areas one should be truest to oneself. Otherwise the perceptions become skewed.

Whilst one would assume by now I'd be a communications specialist given my verbosity in general, I'm, to be honest, still learning the minefield.

Now there's creating communications effective, honest, open and evolving with my BratAngels. We've all been through some tough times. It's now to forge those ties that bind mother and children. That is the legacy they won't forget that they always could talk to me. We're teething now. Tweaking and working towards communicating without prejudice. Wish us well in our journey in the beautiful art of communication.

Happy trails till we meet again

Time Keeping in Dubai ... Jan 30, 2012

2012-01-31T03:51:00.001+08:00

The one thing that is seriously a pet peeve of mine is keeping time with regards to appointments.

I mean there's jokes enough back home about Malaysian time i.e. being late, here in Dubai you gave a different demon to deal with.

Aside from a rather similar affliction of Malaysians, we have the Subcontinent version of time keeping.

Take this example. I made an appointment for 10am because I had to go do something first and then be home to get the errand related to this appointment done. What happens????at 8:20 I get a call saying there in 10minutes. This of course now messes up my plans and to add insult to injury the wait becomes 30mins. Ok so it gets done and I can go with life.

The other kind gives you 9am so I'm up and waiting and if I see the end of a whisker about 5pm of the said day I feel blessed by the dungu turning up at all.

It could be worse. No show and 4 days later receive an irritable call for not being there at dungu's convenience. I mean seriously. Of course then there's the "someone will call you back for an appointment" which incidentally is now 4 weeks and not a whisper.

If you need after sales care or customer service or maintenance work done.... Good luck in keeping your sanity intact. It's either too early, too late or not at all. It's never at you the customer's convenience. You have to take time off your work/life to wait in bated breath.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for Pete's sake keep to appointments - makes for less grief all around.

Happy trails

2011 A Year That Was ... Dec 31, 2011

2012-01-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

When 2011 came into being, I'd had sort of crawled into the year not too sure what was ahead of me and how I was going to make this move to Dubai anything of a success for me let alone for anyone who mattered in my life.

Every step of the way is always stopping pondering weighing if the choices I make are for really the good of those I care about. But 2011 January came with me feeling sorta like in a limbo and no direction of what was to come. The feeling of loneliness in a strange land kept a stronghold grip on my neck. And to be honest, I have to look back and realise I was having a mild bout with depression. Thankfully though I am somewhat resilient in these deeps and valleys and after some rounds of self pity - which serves no purpose in rectifying the issues, I tried to crawl out of this wallowing and move along.

In February we had an office move. Being not really specifically assigned to any task per se, I decided to attach myself back to what I was familiar with - IT and thankfully the IT Manager here being another Malaysian understands the frustrations I felt/still feel at my state of limbo.

We started the move, I offered to coordinate, to help with inventory control, to label desk and network points and send update emails in my usual tongue-in-cheek manner. Some people liked it, some people bitched about it and generally well things moved a little. Apparently I suddenly created a visibility for myself in undertaking this with the IT team.

Then as the move settled in, and the hiccups and the whining that some primadons in the office got addressed it was like oh-oh what do I do now. Then came along a new little venture. The company was opening up and office in DWC at the new airport and the space we had needed to be set up. WOW MOMMA that was really like out in the boondocks with just sand for miles and every sandstorm meant triple cleaning to make the place look inhabitable.

But with the IT guys Raja and Vallie, we got down to making it happen. There was also Gen. Mahesh - whose unlimited resourcefulness in finding solutions for the interim and long term we made it happen. 4 brown people making things move and shake and from a sand caked warehouse and office space, we got desk and chairs and phone lines and cleaning services into place. This went on till May before the Ops team there decided to take over the coordination side of things that I was handling. Slowly I phased myself out coz I understand I'm not into politics and when it rears its ugly ass-kissing head, I make exit stage right pronto.

But in May, my dad had another bout with gangrene and this time a decision was made. In order to give the patient a quality of life - one not regulated by constant visits to the ortho-surgery for amputations, the advice was to amputate till below the right knee where blood flow was good and healing of the wound would be better. Dad agreed, but it meant he'd lost his mobility.

3 months he spent at a nursing home post surgery coz he needed constant care. My brother undertook the shuttling around. Mom was handling the kids in Seremban. When dad was coming home in August, I went home for a few days in conjunction with Eid break here in the Middle East.

At that time we started talking about the girls coming over to Dubai during their December vacation. It was should they travel UMR or should I come back and get them which would mean 2 return tickets *ouch ouch ouch* on my pockets - so ok they agreed to UMR i.e. travelling as Unaccompanied Minors on Emirates.

But fate as it would decided things were to be different.

In November we learnt mom had found a lump in her left breast, the mammogram and biopsy said cancer and surgery would be needed immediately - that was the first action required. I flew back to Malaysia for that, dad was again put into a nursing home for his care. The useless maid we've had for 7 years was going on a vacation - so we left her to carry on. I was there for the surgery, but left with the kids back to Dubai.

Now obviously with mom's health issue, something had to be done. So kids came here, and sat for assessment tests and got admitted into a school here and well it was all sorta rolling into a big snowball of activities. We went home together for a Christmas that was silent and quiet since dad was still in nursing care and mom was in recovery preping for her first of six chemo sessions which doctors say will cull the spread of the cancer any further. We pray all this goes well.

Thankfully my sister arrived end of December to be with mom for the first chemo session and so the plan of moving the kids had to go into full gear now. We managed to run around in December when I was there with the paper work. And left more with my sister and brother to complete.

We spent the last day of 2011 at home making mutton currypuffs that my grandma is famous for. I cooked some lunch and we took it up for dad's dinner at the home. After spending some hours with dad, we got home and had a little dinner at Gaban - a restaurant we used to frequent before with school buddies back in the 90s. Then home to welcome the new year in a quiet manner - it was not a festive year 2011. And I had packed and was ready to leave New Years Day back to Dubai.

I would have to say this has had to be one of the most trying of years. We had many along the way in the past decade that really tested us. I am blessed that my siblings have always stood by me through my hard times. I am blessed that I have beautiful smart kids who I shall soon have with me in Dubai. I am blessed that despite whatever happens, God always carries me through it better prepared for the next challenge.

Bring it on 2012 ... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say and I've not been killed so far so you know I am stronger :))

Happy Trails and Happy New Year!!!!

Learning Life's Lessons ... Dec 04, 2011

2011-12-04T19:21:00.001+08:00

The one thing I have come to realise about life is that there are countless lessons. A never ending journey on a learning curve. Just when you think you've aced all the curve balls life can throw you it digs deep into its reservoir of experience and hurls you another one. One that comes at you so fast it knows the air out of you and you find yourself face forward on the ground gasping.

The good thing however is that forget the innumerable times you've found yourself in this predicament, the FACT that you find yourself again in such state tells you that you survived the last onslaught, you picked yourself up, dusted off and went looking for the next curve ball life could muster or conjure for its amusement.

My family has had quite the year. In May dad lost a leg the lower right leg to diabetes, this post losing some toes a year earlier to the same. The recent death in the family meant more than just the end of a life. It also meant the survivors of that life had to now come to terms with the past we've kept so well hidden.

Then the latest in the series of curve balls was mom's sudden health issue and how in a span of 3 weeks everything went from "Oh ok. Go see a doctor ma" to "OH HELL! keep calm and let's see what the doctor says ma" to "Ma just go into this surgery knowing it's all going to be well" to "It went well and now next step forward".

Then I have to take a look around and notice the lives around me. All seem to be experiencing one thing or another. Talking and sharing sometimes helps put perspective into the challenges. Helps define and determine the approach to resolving these endless cycles.

More importantly is what lessons do we derive from these trials and challenges and what changes do we make to our lives in order to rise above all of these with courage and sanity intact.

Every time life starts to knock the wind out of me, I think of Mitch Albom's books that I have read. Some take heed from the lessons of the book, some dislike the style in which he writes and toss the book into the read but not impressed pile.

I remember some distinct points from each book which reading in my late 30s helped me cope with some of the past I was struggling coming to terms with.

Tuesdays With Morrie - I cannot remember who suggested that I pick this book up but I don't regret doing so. I made me reassess how I wanted to live my life. Did I want to be trapped in my own sorrows and miss the simple pleasures life has to offer or did I want to make an indelible difference in the world by just making the best of each day I was given. I guess you might say I picked the idea of the latter. However having been always the proverbial worry wart who imagines problems for situations even before arriving at the said, this is a huge turnaround from character. I am pleased to inform you the change is gradual but happening.

Five People You Meet In Heaven - I picked this up soon after TWM cause I liked it so much. This book somewhat emphasised the "do unto others as you would others unto you" and that in living life, we constantly come in contact with strangers and our actions knowingly or unknowingly may cause them to react in situations beyond their common sense. Be good to all we meet, we never know their real stories behind the facades they display to the world at large.

Have A Little Faith - A Rabbi and an ex-con turned Pastor. What complete opposites. And yet what a journey of faith they take you on. How God works in mysterious ways. I have always held on to the belief that we are all heading to the same God, just by different paths. Does not make anyone more or less important in the eyes of God. It is we mortals that seem to qualify each others importance before God's eyes. Stop, prove to be the beacon in your actions and be a reflection of what faith is about.

One More Day - is a hard book to accept, because it involves the central character's one day with his dead mother, going about day to day things like she was alive - a fantasy to most catching and making amends with a deceased loved one. Revisiting the hurts, the betrayals, the unspoken. But in a nutshell the lesson is we need to forgive ourselves, our transgressions and transgressors and also our past in order to heal and be whole for our present and futures.

I would suggest to everyone to spend a little time going through the 4 books and sharing with me their thoughts of the ideas and concepts of life they may have gleaned from those pages.

I've told myself love to myself for who I am. Imperfection is me but I am still uniquely me. My children may be the result of a now defunct marriage but they are my children my precious ones to mold with the right attitudes towards life. As their mother it is my duty to rise above my own past failures and follies and from those lessons teach them to live more fulfilling lives both beneficial to themselves and to society. Positive confident girls who spread love cheer goodwill and hope to all who may come in contact with them - this is my fervent hope. And more importantly, that they learn failures are not the end of the road but the possibility of other beginnings supplemented by the knowledge of what failure brings and the lessons to be learnt from such.

I keep reminding myself when things get tough, life's a learning curve, always a lesson to be found from each misadventure or success and with some eloquence I hope to share these lessons and insights in overcoming the many hurdles and curve balls I've gone through. 40 is quite the library of experience and in sharing perhaps we might make the experience less daunting for others.

Happy Trails my netizens ...

Maturity - Where Are You? ... Oct 16th, 2011

2011-10-16T14:47:00.000+08:00

I came across this image on the hierachy of maturity and felt it necessary to share it with all the web-crawlers out there that might not have chanced upon it yet.

Fundamentally I think these really are quite to the point. The various negatives and positives that one goes through in the journey .. just thought to share it for a laugh or for some thought provoking moments.

Happy Sunday everyone :)

Procrastinate Not ... Oct 14th, 2011

2011-10-14T19:43:00.000+08:00

Procrastination is simply putting off or delaying action on matters that require immediate action/response.

Ask me, I have many instances in my life that I've procrastinated on only to in the weeks that pass wonder why why why didn't I do what I should have at that time and then fall into my life hates me mode and ask the eternal unanswerable question why me.

So having spent 3 decades or rather my 30s in a constant state of flux and then I delay actioning the long list of to dos and then find every imaginable excuse to justify that act, I sometimes look at myself in utter contempt and disgust.

It now comes to me had I been more risk taking and more action than contemplation, I might have charted a much different path for myself from aeons ago. Instead I have had to swallow the bitter pill of admitting that I was the cause of the life I ended up with. To some degree external parties and forces played their part. But the crux of it all is that had I been more in control I'd have chosen to captain my ship better now find myself aground in shallow waters waiting waiting waiting for a tide to come in and raise me afloat again.

And with time, I seem to find this side of me extremely despicable. I still suffer bouts of procrastination from simple things. Even updating my resume and circulating it now that I'm here in the Middle East is an excruciating exercise. I find myself reactive to perhaps an inquiry rather than purposefully constantly updating it with my changing scope of work.

Thus it somewhat amuses me that when I see someone else procrastinating on something that if they actioned immediately would be so much more rewarding to their state of being, they choose to keep pushing it to tomorrow. When tomorrow becomes today it get pushed to the next tomorrow. Like damn it ... all the yesterdays are now the tomorrows you spoke about today.

40 has made me less patient even with myself so what more when I see someone with potential to be some place better finding every excuse ever tried out on why they are not actioning it. One day it's health, the next day it's exhaustion, the next it's change of plans etc. etc. etc.

The list goes on.

And that is why I as walked through the closets of time and revisited memories I had long tried to repress and forget I felt the only apt tribute to the my late uncle was the line "A life waiting to happen that ran out of tomorrows." Anyone knowing this uncle of mine would immediately understand this. In some ways perhaps his sudden death is a blessing of sorts to many. He chose to exist within his own tormented mind seeing everyone as an enemy to the "works/sacrifices" he did - these remain 95% of the time figments of his imagination.

This is not to say that he didn't sometimes come up shining - he did. But the overall person was a far cry from the image he saw himself in. He was a toxic being. He managed to invoke so much bile and anger and pain in so many people through the years.

He always blamed the world for his lack of success - the fact that he had talents grossly under utilised or misused seems to have missed him completely. He was quick to find fault if suggestions were made to him, quick to take offence and quick to retaliate in inane ways. Hence much of his life was spent waiting for what he felt was rightfully his but never making any attempts for himself to go out there and take the proverbial bull by the horns.

The 10th of October 2011 his tomorrows ran out 2months and 4 days shy of his 58th birthday. He died from a massive cardiac arrest. His funeral arrangements were swiftly carried out back home. For someone who by choice chose to ruin family ties, it was his immediate family that came together to lay him to rest. We can only hope that in death, he finds his waiting life and the peace of mind.

This turn of events set me thinking about life. The fragility of life is unquestionable. And yet we find ourselves sometimes unable to accept our chosen lives. Face up to the consequences of choices we make. Procrastinate or jump to action. The quiet voice of reason and subconscience speaks to us even when we try to block them out.

It made me also realise that from those past lack of action on my part, my life took a shape and a course. Mostly to my dismay it led me to throught treacherous waters. The turbulence has yet to settle. However the fact that I am aware and conscious that I want my life start now and happen now and not wait for things and others to initiate it is a big step forward.

My evolution is that I am very aware I want to live my life now on my terms, not keep waiting for something to happen. Everything that is to happen is within my own hands to guide. Like a good captain, I have to take control of my ship. Leaving it in the hands of others merely sets me up for more troubled waters.

So while I relearn my ship sailing skills, I wish you happy trails ....

Big 4-0 ... Oct 08, 2011

2011-10-08T18:00:00.000+08:00

August 16th came yet once again and this time it closed the chapter on the Turbulent Thirties and opened before me the next decade of my life - another milestone to chalk up experiences and adventures and hopefully with as minimal servings of turbulence and heartache and frustrations.

At least that was the plan as is always with each birthday, I tell myself ".ani it's going to get better from here on."

Sometimes it does, most times it takes itself on its own journey not quite subscribing to my GPS input and navigational skills. Most times it leaves me frothing at the mouth like some rabid creature when things fail to go according to plan and frustrations amount. Sometimes I just step back and let life just ravage my sanity the way it always does without resistance - I've learnt sometimes it's best to not fight back just let it take what it wants and move on.

Rare but yes it happens too, miracles, surprises, pockets and slivers of hope and joy gush and fill me and elevate me back into the land of living, refreshed, rehashed, revitalised until life comes along again and takes its best shot at knocking me down. I keep getting up and dusting off - it must frustrate life a lot that I just don't give up and shrivel and die.

As the days approached to my big 40 birthday, I spent countless days and night drowning in self mortification - I was such a failure all the goals that I'd set for myself at this age - all was but handfuls of dust. I hated being alone here in Dubai. Not finding an excuse to over-indulge in some Secret Recipe cheesecake creation was even more disturbing. I wanted to just be home, with Ash and Kash and feel better about myself that things will get better from now on.

There'd been talk about having a Leo birthday do, a spin off from the impromptu no reason gathering we had on July 15th - the first time I'd entertained colleagues in my humble home. The date picked was Aug 18th and the plan was to buy food and just provide my home as the spot.

The party was good fun, the aftermath took days of cleaning but still I missed spending this milestone in my life with my girls. I mean I don't have a complete family unit but everything is about the girls.

In all of this mania of aging, I decided to challenge myself with the dreaded Dubai Driver's License ordeal. Getting your license in this country is like getting multiple PhDs or root canals - whichever you torture threshold can stand.

First is the ridiculous number of of fees

Second is the ridiculous number of tests and assessments

Third is the ridiculous number of Re-tests and classes for each failed attempt.

Most of the men in my office have at least 4 minimum resits to pass. This even when it was for an Auto License. Ladies sometimes passed 2nd or 3rd attempt on Auto - no need to go into the double digit attempts for Manual License.

I opted for an Auto License which encompassed 20 lesson coz my Msian license was over 5yrs, some AED3500 thanks to a discount voucher from GoNabIt that gave me 10 free classes for 10 signed and paid up ones ... and I passed all tests and assessments on the first round.

27th September on the Final Road Test with 2 other candidates both sitting for their 5th attempt off we went with me being the first up. Incessant yelling and scolding from the RTA Lady Officer and 2 more harrowing test driver experiences later we were parked in the bay and Test Score Sheets were given out with a lecture - mine was clean and said PASS in big bold.

Nearly died from joy - I did it! At 40 I took on something no one really thought I would pass on first attempt but I did. Why? Because as much as I am a battled scarred soldier, I am pretty damn good at some things. And especially when I do put my mind to it, I create small miracles.

So at 40 I earned my Dubai Driver's License at one sitting - the only problem now is I ain't got no set of wheels. In time perhaps I will find myself one. I mean I was 31 when I got my Malaysian Manual Driver's License. I start late but I finish it ace ;-)

Perhaps in some essence, life does begin at 40. Perhaps it is because in many ways we have come of age. We have grown up, we have changed as the trials buffed us about and threw us in the deep ends. I look at a lot of people and realise their journeys are no less inspiring. I find lessons from each of their experiences. I find that I no longer wish to participate in the "this is as good as it gets" living. There's my life and it's waiting to take off. Waiting to make history of some small personal measure.

As much as I do at times want to tell the morons that cloud my happy days with their bile and their self mortifying venom which they so freely spew and spit into my way just because they feel it is their justified right to try and put me in my rightful societal perceptions of what a woman like me should be placed, where to put their sorry asses - experience tells me to bide my time. Their glass ceilings and walls keep me from spreading my wings and reaching new heights but one thing keeps me sane - karma is bad ass, it kicks you when you are not expecting it and it kicks you hard.

For a battle veteran like me, I've been paying karma dues a long time, my end perhaps is just around the next bend or two or more but its there for sure and good things are waiting to happen.

Hitting 40 and looking at what's ahead, it's nothing I've not been prepared for. But with a little bit of luck and blessings, it's going to keep getting better from now on. I have come to a point where if I don't like it, I say so. If for reasons of survival I have to hold my piece, I keep my distance. If I can change something I will, if I can't - sod it, look elsewhere.

The next 20 years is my life waiting to happen and to make it happen the way I want it to is in my own sculpting hands. No free rides, no free passes, no handouts I know ... but with a good stash of soul fuel and some basic navigational skills, I am so going to find this waiting life and then make it reality and wallow like a water buffalo in a pool of mud till my number is called up and it's time for me to call it quits on this karma outing of mine. Hope this is the last of my rebirths and all past dues paid up.

In the mean time here's to the 40s to blooming and flourishing and feeling top of the world. There's nothing this old auntie can't do ... come sock it to me life, you and me we're not just about done feuding are we ???

Happy Trails everyone and much love always ....

Life @ 40 ... Aug 17, 2011

2011-08-17T20:36:00.000+08:00

OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY .... I am officially 40 + a day old. Never imagined reaching this point in the way I have and the journey is taken me to this point.

If you ask me honestly, when I was young and naive I thought by 40 I'd be raking in the moolah with a cosy little home (landed, spacious, garden and all), beautiful kids, a spouse I called my best friend and confidante, and living a life that at that point in my life I considered the perfect life.

A cross of Growing Pains + The Wonder Years + Little House on the Prairie ... you get the idea of perfect, near perfect.

It's pretty obvious to all and sundry that THAT is completely not how I arrived at 40. I got here bumped and scrapped and bruised and battered and heartbroken a few times, red bank balances and a wealth of experience and analogies to carry me through those times.

I had my anxieties about turning 40. I still am NO where near my now obviously revamped for the n-th time plans. And I was a little down too that it was going to be away from the girls and here in the sandpit.

However, the fantastic thing about friendships is that people care about you and they make that extra effort to share in your joys. And I was a little spoilt on my 40th birthday.

I got a cake in the office, and a cake later in the evening

I got an outfit from a girlfriend and it actually fit perfectly

I got a bottle of Chilean red wine from a colleague which I savoured over dinner

I got a pair of gold earrings that cost the gifter too much with current prices

I got so many wishes from so many people near and far it just warmed my heart

I got a new challenge at work, which bodes well if I find viable solutions

I was spoilt and toasted and cheered that I felt extra super special

I turned 40 or as my mom would say touched the tape and started running on 41 pretty happy at how things worked itself out on my birthday.

The one thing I also firmly believe in is people come into your life for a reason and the clip I attached sorta explains it in way I guess helps us come to terms with the up and downs of the relationships one goes through in ones lifetime.

I have my own way of expressing the different people who come into your life, think I have written about it once before.. As a recap I kind of tend to look at the different people passing through my life as (a) commuters (b) tourists (c) migratories and (d) settlers.

My favourites are the settlers but perhaps the clip below explains it better.

In the mean time, I got a party tomorrow evening - sharing it with 3 other Leos using my home as the party venue. Some of my office colleagues will be over and we plan to have a rocking good time.

Happy Trails everyone ....

A Georges Type Party ....July 15, 2011

2011-07-17T21:24:00.000+08:00

After living in Dubai for a year, I finally got around to doing up my home in view of some transiting aunties. I had to ensure tak drop waterface la ... I mean Malaysian hospitality at it's best.

So off I went, bought a bed for the 2nd room, moved the existing sparse furniture around, threw in a shelf fro IKEA that doubles up as a TV stand and collectibles, and bought rugs for the hall floors ... a bit of creative arrangments and I had a cozy hall going, and guestroom for the 3 aunties.

They were not just fairly impressed but VERY impressed with my humble home away from home and my version of George hospitality here in the sandpit. I had a lovely weekend with them before sending them off on their next leg of the trip to Italy and onwards to Edinburgh. Even my little garden on the balcony got it's fair share of compliments.

I was proud as hell ... in fact I feel I've just the right mix and match that makes me feel like going home to my place and vegetating in my silence :) and am sure the girls when they come here for their initial visit which I plan year end will like this home too :))

So having passed with flying colours on the 3 aunties outing, I decided to try and be a little more bold and with a fellow suspect Siny, agreed to co-host a little do in my place of a few select colleagues whom I feel some affection towards. Naturally this being DXB there was just Siny and myself and the rest were all chaps.

We had a small group of 16, I cooked 6 dishes, the guys had been warned this was a BYOB&B party - booze is a little too costly for my pockets. Which I have to say, everyone came with a little something and the little do that was meant to kick off from 7pm started warming up by 8:30pm - by Dubai standards - I guess I arm twisted everyone on being timely with threats to give away all the food to the guards if people didn't show up on time.

We ended the evening somewhat closer to 2:30am the next morning with some really spirited souls and all round good laughter, jokes and friendship.

There was no special reason for the dinner gathering other than we'd been talking about something like this for so long that it seemed timely to finally get down to actually doing it and with the right mix of folks.

At the end of the night it felt like one of the typical Georges Christmas parties, food abound, spirits, someone or other giving the laughs and some unforgetable gems like unicorns have 2 horns after looking at a really suspect tripod someone was using that evening - it alludes to some more kinky looking toy than a tripod - if you follow the meaning here.

I have to say even though my feet were killing me from standing from 8:30am cutting dicing chopping marinating cleaning and cooking - the whole afterglow of a successful evening of throwing people together was such a satisfaction. The 2 office boys that came were so touched to have been part of the group, we had managers,we had execs and we had the admin support as well ... in typical Georges parties, it is not what you are that matters but who you are as a person that does. And I think I had a really great group over.

And I think everyone else as we sit here laughing over and over again about all the nonsense from that evening, I gather they all also had a really good time. I might do some more sporadically over the coming months.

In Dubai going out is such an expensive affair and this small gathering was a welcome respite from the monotony of working life. A chance to kick-back and relax with friends.

It almost made me feel like home ... let's see if there's another round of this gathering.

Sandpit Musings ... 11 Jul, 2011

2011-07-11T15:26:00.002+08:00

Well Well Well ... (almost sounds like the start of a Duffy song don't it?) ... been a while since I put fingers to a keyboard and tried to capture the myriad of thoughts that continuously plague my mind.

Sometimes I have felt the gush of words but no motivation to actually type it all out to the universe at large. At times I've felt all words have dried up and am wordless thought devoid numb from the endless bombardment of negatives and trials that keep coming up my alley even as I try to side step and stay out of trouble.

I have longed for a new beginning, but I keep getting rehashes from the past, like unwelcome relatives past experience clings on making anything new easily tarnished by their lack of optimism for the future.

The metamorphosis from cocoon to butterfly that I had hoped would have taken place seems to have become a shrivelled shell with nothing colourful bursting forth. I find despite the increasing sense of needing like-minded company to save me from sure insanity if I continue in this hermit like existence, it is the hermit solitude in which I feel least stressed, least demanded upon.

It seems like my life has ebbed away and all opportunities with it. I feel that the trials and battles of the last decade now legally over refuses to let me get back into the saddle and ride with the wind in my hair and sun on my face. Instead it seems to hover invisible but ever present in limiting myself because precedence is how people view you - your past it seems inevitably catches up and a 1+1=2 mathematic deduction is made as to your capabilities.

In my case single mom+divorcee = incapable of being asset to work environment - something I've tried to battle since the start of this misadventure. But it keeps persistently rearing its ugly unwanted head. And I've come to a point, I am tired of trying to convince anyone that I am much better than their "spotlight seeking stars" just because I prefer to make it happen with as minimal fanfare. I keep telling myself .ani you have to be mercenary, grab any chance at propelling yourself into the spotlight, your youth is gone, all you have are handful of chances before you stand holding but a handful of dust.

But I lack that "kill agenda" in my nature. I work my ass off and watch the accolades go elsewhere, the promotions and recognition to someone else and remain the unknown in the shadows.

And I am constantly panic attacked looking that I hit 40 in just under 5 weeks. I still have nothing I can be deemed successful by. I had that time, but I made choices which shifted the whole balance and put me at the losing end when I had thought I had made decisions for the betterment of my future. No amazing bank balance, no gold, no property, nothing! ... material measures nonetheless - but these are what the society at large uses as yardsticks to measure a persons success.

Still struggling, still trying to figure out if I take anymore blind leaps of faith where will it land me and how will I pull through. People tell me my success is in that I have 2 beautiful and special daughters, that my rewards for the sacrifices I make now is in watching them become good human-beings and they will understand in time that what I cannot give them now as easily as their friends and peers get is because I am working for a better tomorrow for them.

It would be fact to say I want my kids to be proud of me and the decisions I've had to make to give them a future. It would be a lie to say that I am not often wracked with guilt for not being their ideal deep pockets parent. But this is the life and the truth of our existence.

Blaming anyone else is no longer a viable excuse. They've moved on with their lives, we are but non-existent. I wish for more strength from within as I take on the challenges of present day and those I am much aware await me in the future. Is wanting the past to stay exactly where it is should such a bad thing? I mean yes there are lessons learnt - which is not a bad reference point, but why does the fear of all things past continue to grip my heart as I try to make better todays and tomorrows.

Am I so lacking in self determination and confidence that I cannot shake off the foreboding the past places upon my present as it clouds the future?

Why am I still questioning and not finding answers when by now at 40 life should make some sense even as the world around remains in chaos.

I guess the education of .ani is far from over. I continue on my learning curve and I am still learning me and how far I can go for love, acceptance and peace of mind. I'm in battle with myself - probably the hardest battle one has to face up in ones life. All other battles have clear definition of win or lose or draw but when you battle your self, how do you claim victory?

Let me scurry away into the recesses of my mind and heart and perhaps I will eventually find my answers by observing the world as it revolves around me completely oblivious of my presence.

Till then peace out and happy trails everyone, .... .ani is going through another round of self dissection - hopefully there are answers as I too evolve with the ticking of time and shifting of the sands.

Blessed Easter .... April 24, 2011

2011-04-24T22:45:00.002+08:00

Firstly Blessed Easter greetings from me and my girls to all of you and yours. I am hoping if you had participated in the Great Lent, you have come away with some lessons, some new self realizations and a better understanding of the universality of God.

For me away from home and loved ones and so far away from the daily lenten season offerings at dinner time that mom or the maid lays out for me when I used to drag my sorry tired ass home after a day of maneuvering traffic and all types of people, I found that I either was going to subsist on milk and oats or bread or really expensive tiny portions of Indian takeaway for meals.

So being me, I sent some urgent sms-es to mom back home and got a crash course in cooking stuff like dhal and south Indian sambar. I even found tinned tofu (soya bean curd) and managed a dish I'd pulled from memory and maybe this spice and that condiment.

All in all I survived lent by being innovative with the stuff I found and rigged up. From mushrooms stir fried, in a creamy spicy gravy, to curry with button mushrooms - go figure. But I was pretty excited at the fact that I was not afraid to try something and I kept improvising.

Cooking in Dubai to me is quite like the way I've been taking to life - mad adventures, since finding plans go awry no matter how much planning you put into it. The problem with plans is all parties have to subscribe to it otherwise it's going to go belly-up kaboom.

So I lived lent and creative cooking to keep me fed ... although I learnt that even though am a partial vegetarian by choice, I do still need the occasional meat dish. After 50 days, I found myself so terribly exhausted at the end of each day and so drained. I guess this is part of growing old. From times when I used to fast till sundown, to fasting till noon prayers, to going completely vegetarian for the duration, I am wondering how with the onset of years will I keep up. I guess one just have to make up one's mind and keep to the trail.

But I also came past the 1st quarter of 2011 finally feeling things were looking up career wise. Small steps but I will get where I want to be ... move it a decade or so back from original plan but it's working slowly but surely.

I found that also I although I have in the past taken a long sabbatical from community worship due to my little delusion with God, and with people I had grown up with, when I started going again thanks to some cajoling from some really old friends, I found my spirit strengthened and recharged.

To be frank, since I returned to Dubai in January, I have not attended any Qurbanas here. The impersonal indifference of the parish and parishioners unlike the familiar people and mango trees in the small little place I've always called my place of worship in Brickfields, makes me stay away.

The priests and it's no fault of theirs I am supposing, just that people do everything in fast forward here, run through the Sunday evening services (Sunday being the start of the working week) leave me breathless and completely disconnected from the entire service that I love so much back home. Orthodox services are never short, but I love the services and the beauty of the whole process and the whole attending community in sometimes out of tune singing but there was a common link to hold us together.

Here I am anonymous. No one knows or cares to know me. If they did, I'd be excellent fodder for gossip and disapproving looks because I dress different, I talk different, I am not fluent in the lingua franca of the Indian Orthodox church i.e. Malayalam. Although I can fluently follow the services in transliterated Malayalam, I don't read the text in original, I cannot carry an Spanish Inquisition type conversation.

Anonymity works wonderfully if you want to hide from the world. But at church? Why would you hide? Lacking that sense of camaraderie I have back home with childhood friends, church elders, youths and young children, I feel like an alien in my own place of worship. And almost certainly Sting's Legal Alien comes to mind.

So I stayed miles away (literally too) from the compound of the St. Thomas Cathedral in Dubai. Having my own prayers in the evenings, conversations and contemplations.

But I learnt something. There was a purpose in the idea of community coming together in worship. If I've reached a spiritual thirst, I'd have to say it is now. I want to feel my soul resonate with the presence of God. I see my mother and my sister - to 2 really prayerful members of my family. My father and brother do pray too but the conviction in their prayers I see in my mom and sister. I on the other hand have this strange relationship with God.

I find peace sometimes in sitting through the ritual like Orthodox prescribed daily 7x prayers. Sometimes I find calm and serenity in speaking out aloud to God like he was sitting next to me. In these sessions, I find myself angry, remorseful, contrite, forgiving, soul searching. And in most instances it ends with me sobbing my heart out to God to help me make the right choices for my life as I try to make them for my girls and family's future.

The strangest of sensations often follows such an emotional outburst, I find that I feel like my head gently caressed and soothe as I lay it on the lap of the Lord. He knows my heart best, better than myself. He knows my wrongs and rights. He carries me through all life has thrown me.

During the final weeks of lent, the one we call Passion Week, I chose to read Mitch Albom's book Have a Little Faith. And what a resonating voice of God I heard. It may not be everyone's piece of cheesecake and coffee, but I found the ideas of both the rabbi and the pastor - both central figures of this book give structure to my own personal view of religion and faith and God.

I know I am a child of God in my imperfections. But I do not use my imperfections as an excuse to hurt anyone, if anything I try very hard to think of myself in the other person's shoes. I am a long way from my stairway to heaven, but I have to pull myself together and go pray in a community environment once in a while too. I should start going to church in Dubai even though it makes me pine for home more and more.

God is ever patient, and ever loving. He waits for me to find his plans for me, of that I know. Always He is there in my life, in all the people that I meet and interact with, in family and friends, in the simple gestures of strangers.

Blessed Easter everyone. You me everyone God Blesses us regardless of what religious faith you subscribe to. If only we could openly embrace each other without bias, suspicion or fear - this world would truly be a nation of believers that one should do unto others as one wishes others to be unto them.

My love to all ..... God Bless!

Learning Ani .... 04 Apr 2011

2011-04-05T20:44:00.003+08:00

I am constantly on a learning curve. And the one thing that facinates me more than information is ironically me. I am a completely uncomprehensible person even to myself. But I have come to learn some things about myself living in this sandpit the last 11 months.

I REALLY suffer fools poorly

It upsets me when I have nothing tangible to reflect upon at the close of each day

I am VERY afraid of love or anything to do with it

I might make a little more money than I did but it doesn't solve much of problems in fact it creates more and more and more

I cannot attend church here without coming away feeling repulsed and agitated that I'd rather not go to church but wait to be home and visit my own childhood parish where I feel most at home

Am not a bra burner but men (and women) who think a woman's place is 3 steps behind brainless mutton heads should be hung by their toenails and flogged

Has grown tired of being Super Woman, and would like to just be me a messed up vulnerable scared female looking for a little understanding and a break from trying to solve the problems of the world, and have someone take care of me instead

Finds it extremely nerve-wrecking that the one male specimen who seems to completely understand and stand by me in all of my worst and lowest points since coming to this sandpit and in complete blind fate accepts and loves me as is would unsuspectingly elevate me to the category of Cougar of the not-hootchie-mama kind

That even as the clock ticks closer to 40 I still feel on somedays no older than 17 in soul even whilst looking at the completely out of shape reflection in the mirror and the countless strands of grey and on other days closer to the grave with every step and breath

I have an amazing threshold for pain and disappointment - that even as it keeps piling skywards, I still manage to carry on with a toothy grin a kind word a joke to make someone else laugh

That even though I accept separation from people I love fairly easily, I CANNOT come to terms with being away from my girls and at times I find myself all choked and teary just thinking of them - being mommy long distance sucks!

In usual technology fashion the rest that I typed out here was eaten in the internet world of Etisalat ... and so here's my incomplete list of learning ani - an ever on-going subject of study by the Terrible Threesome of Me Myself and I :)

Be well my friends ...

Tragic Comedy of Being Ani ... 20 March 2011

2011-03-20T12:00:00.002+08:00

There are many times in my life, I wish I could sit back and watch myself going through the motions of living. As a habit, I usually speak of myself in the 3rd person either much to the amusement or irritation of the language purists.

But then again there's always a deafening din when me myself and I jostle to be heard - hence refering to either one of these horribly opinionated avatars in the 3rd person is probably the best justice I can do for myself.

Having said that though, it seems that no matter what I do or how I try to approach something, someone, inevitable someone out there will find a reason to dislike me. I have long given up on the perception of being liked by anyone. And everytime someone verbalises that I am such a popular character, I take it with a pinch of salt, my popularity is almost always then accompanied by disaster.

My efferversence is read as apple polishing, brown nosing and brownie pointer. My enthusiams to introduce changes in existing processes is always met with "what the **** does she know about what I do" and apparently in Punjabi there's a saying "trying to teach me how to **** when I've a 1000 children" ... I guess you can follow the bawdy colour these take on. It is interesting to note, I've always stayed far away from being any of those 3 because I cannot live with myself if I was such. There is no pride or self satisfaction in being such a low pond scum. But recently I had the honour of being called one of the 3 ... it took great resolve and good friends to stop me from knocking a few teeth out. But I am not amused, and the specimen has crossed the line. And when I am not amused, I have no sympathy either.

Why are people so afraid to admit that sometimes the person looking in from the outside see more than the person right smack in the middle - coz mostly you don't come with Fly Eyes to see 360 round you. Why are people so afraid of suggestion, feedback, criticism? Why is it I have to take all these in the positive light even when it's downright insulting but should I flip side the coin then I am this mega wannabe with no substance apparently.

To me, I've come to loathe my inner self so much. Why do I care if someone else is fucking up big time, so long as it ain't going to fall on my lap. Why do I think no no the other unsuspecting clown has no clue where all this is going, and having gone through so many baptisms of fire, it should interject - save them from the same painful lessons.

Am beginning to think, I am a tragedy to myself. I should learn to ignore. Ignorance is bliss they say. If only it were that easy to ignore someone ramming a cannon up my arse and telling me it's not going to hurt - all I can say is effing asshole! You kinda displayed your extreme insecurity and level of pond scum mentality. You have an issue, have the testicles to take it up where you want it to go, not hammer the female just coz I am not cullable like most women you might know. Submission is not an option for me. I am a battle hardened combat survivor, you don't mean feck to me anyhows, but you underestimate like most people, having me fight your battle gets you farther in the field. Also I never leave or abandon a soldier.

This is the game of life and we are all players on a stage. Let us see where it leads to ... till then happy trails ....

Times They Are A Changing ... 08 Mar 2011

2011-03-08T17:14:00.002+08:00

If 2011 had kicked off somewhat downcast and devoid of hope, it seems that the old adage it is darkest before dawn is true.

When everything looked it's worst possible and I was near the end of my sanity thread, things suddenly seemed to have a light at the end of this tunnel.

And it is all quite accidently evolved. I was as they would say 'membawa diri' from the department I used to sit in and decided to take up a non-threatening position in IT and assist with the administration of new machines and asset tagging in the new office.

What was a quiet unassuming task seemed to manifest itself into something else on its own accord the moment I started sending out routine updates on the progress of the move.

One unplanned trip out to a new site has given me new opportunities within this organisation and I am excited. For the first since I got to Dubai do I feel alive. That my day end is tangible. I can go to sleep feeling accomplished.

Naturally all things come with a price. From complete mind blowing boredom, I never have a moment these days. But this is great. This is what I came out here for. To work honestly and earn my moolah honestly. I am hurting no one, using no one, just chugging along in my life with as few complications as possible. My end goal - give my girls a good shot a life with a good education.

I am constantly reminded that it is darkest before daylight, but there is always daylight as surely as there will be sunset each day. We are learning to fly, learning to live.

Living da vida loca I am not, but to the month of March, let it be the start of new and good things. Perhaps it takes a little longer but good things happen to good people I am told :))

Take Care ...

Contemplations ... Feb 26, 2010

2011-02-26T20:37:00.005+08:00

The tragedy of being me is I think too much.

All the time my mind is thinking thinking thinking till I want to explode from all the thoughts like driving down some of these 5 laned highways here in Dubai I have concurrent lines of different thoughts. All evaluating, all contemplating all trying to understand the greater meaning of my existence on this earth.

The other tragedy of being me is I am too bloody straight for my own good.

I cannot lie to save my ass nor can I lie if asked something directly. Instinctively I speak only the truth of my thoughts. On hindsight later, I'd end up kicking myself black and blue thinking why did I say that and go screw up a possibility of endearing myself to someone in a position to help me. Instead I call a spade a spade and an asshole an asshole .... there's just no two ways about that.

Someone one told me I am too good a person too pure. The tragedy in that is I am often viewed as gullible and taken for a fool. And the irony in this is, I actually let the other person take advantage of me knowingly in some circumstances.

The worst of all these tragedies is to see what the end of something is before it actually happens. Some people call it foresight, some people call it vision, some people might even call me a witch but the tragedy in this is the choice. I can either listen to that little voice inside my head and turn around and walk right away or I can hear it and still take a leap of faith. In extremely rare circumstances has my little voice been wrong. And usually my leap of faith ends up with me splat on on asphalt completely pissed off with myself.

And in all of this I think and I think and I think. Sometimes I almost hear the cogwheels inside my head roll in all the different lanes of thoughts that are crossing each other turning left right maybe a U-turn or two ... some collisions take place and momentarily I am silenced, in a daze trying to reconcile what just went on inside my head.

And over the years, I seem to have two characteristic which almost makes me as bad as an old lady talking to her cat ... senile in some instances. I am either bubbly and effervescent or completely silent and irreproachable. And people who do not understand my circumstance in life cannot fathom why I am like this. I have stopped trying to tell people that I am only human I have my low periods too and I need my space.

These days when I find people trying so hard to suck the very life of me, Happy's words comes to mind "you give too much of yourself, till you have no value" ... nothing less succinct and arrow to the heart than this.

I used to yearn for some solitude in my life to get my own self in order instead of being pulled in so many directions at the same time. And the only time I might find solitude was the few hours of sleep at night.

Now I find myself trying to find as much work to keep myself occupied because the solitude is deafening heavy and un-amusing. I even shock myself at how long I can sit at my dining table starring out of at the sky above and sometimes feel completely blank inside my head and my heart - and I have to check to see if I am still breathing or have I died in this position.

Why I am still searching for what fulfills me? I have 2 beautiful children - that should be sufficient right? Only I am striken with guilt that I am earning barely enough to give them all I had hoped too during my pregnancies ... all those dreams of a little cozy home, occasional trips abroad, fun family time, education, activities ... the list is endless. When I fight this guilt saying I am doing my best and my girls are troopers, this world is a hard place and we've got to be stronger than average to rise above it, I am challenged by the money others have and the lifestyles they accord their children, and I know sometimes I fall awfully short even in my children's eyes. Nothing worse I think then for a mother to feel she is failing her children.

Which is why I have made some decisions of late. Things have to change. All the shit ass luck has to stop here right now with me. All that is written in my stars and the sins of forefathers and curses of generations must end now. Even if I have to give my life so this is where it all stops and the girls are given fresh lease of life, clean slates no past histories that cloud their futures, I will give my life willingly.

As a mother, the successes of my children is more important to me than my own needs. Speak to most mothers they will concur. To what lengths and ends of the earth we will go to save our children only a mother knows. No doubts there are women who will go to great lengths to make another suffer through life for their own gains, but life is a wheel and what goes around comes around.

Whilst I watch the sun begin its journey into the night, I am reminded of the phoenix yet again. Burnt in its own fires it emerges magnificent on the morrow's dawn. That dawn is still arriving for me I believe, but when it arrives I shall be magnificent, brilliant hues of the sun streaking across the skies because then my time has come and all my tribulations shall bear fruit of justice served on a silver platter.

I end this rambling with this line which explains my whole approach to life then now and forever: "I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -Aristotle "

Spring Time Hopes .... Feb 16, 2011

2011-02-16T20:31:00.003+08:00

February brought in the little Bunny Wabbit and shoo-ed out the Tiger. Being in Dubai at this time of the year is a bummer. None of that yee-sang that I am so fond of. No Mandarin oranges to over indulge in and then suffer for a few weeks from an irritating cough. None of that angpow little red packets or loong yoke (sp) that slices of roast pork.

**SIGH** being a Malaysian foodie in Dubai is quite the misery! Especially festive times like this when food and friendship are inseparable partners.

I also learnt that Ash and Kash now have yet another step-sibling. Congratulations Jacob .... still fully loaded I see. May your paternal instincts and inclinations be better than how you are to your 2 daughters. There is nothing left to say on that subject ... except you FAIL exceptionally with honours when it comes to Ash and Kash.

After months of trying to define my role and presence, I finally found something I could do without I hoped stepping on the imaginary diva toes. We were moving physically from one building to another.

So I volunteered to help with the paperwork of the new machines, and the moving of people and that kept me back in the office for days way past midnight working within the limitations of being in Dubai.

It is funny how the vendor when we asked for 68 units of 22" LCD monitors baulked at us - we thought he was making fun at us for such a small number and insisting urgency. What he was REALLY doing was trying not to have a cardiac arrest - no one apparently stocks large numbers (????) of items after the economic crash.

So here we are week 2 into the move and getting equipment in trickles from our vendors. It works so differently back home, we Malaysians working on this move kept falling over laughing in incredulity.

And people can be amazingly entertaining. The Divas naturally made every minute of this move as pain in the arse. It was like if they wanted to fart, we had to find the exhaust fan, attach it and diffuse the irksome stink with the scent of jasmines. GAWD!

But one thing - working with Malaysians and the lone Goan, you know no matter how bad things can get, we will pull through somehow. We stuck together, covered the work, I undertook to send out updates in my usual cheeky manner - some got what I was saying, others you know it kinda just went whoosh .... heheehhe.

Midway through February, post Valentine, am feeling the age creep up on me and I feel like a panic is beginning to envelope me. I wish at times we didn't need money for anything. Since my ex-spouse believes with just fresh air and sunshine his daughters are going to grow up.

But the reality is everything costs money and being stuck in the middle income rut means you have too much to qualify for financial aid and too little to get anywhere you want to be. And with Ash and Kash growing up, the panic is increasing knowing that this continued salary in salary out gone not a sen in savings is not going to bode well. I wonder if I might win one of these exorbitant AED1Million DSF or Summer Sales draws ahahah - yeah right!

Oh well it's just February and the Bunny Wabbit has just hopped on in. Am hoping it will find it in itself to give this aging Oinkster a small leave from fighting the overwhelming waves and give me some calm waters to paddle about. But the fact remains, aging Oinkster still has much to do, and time is so not on my side. What I'd do to have some youth and energy like before.

Hope to catch up on some rest and feel less aged and in pain by the end of this weekend. May you have happy trails ... :)

Is It ONLY January?? ... Jan 20, 2011

2011-01-20T18:34:00.005+08:00

I keep thinking I'm like deep into the muggy year and am starkly reminded hell it's just January. Some 4 days back I was thinking OMG in exactly 7months I turn the BIG 40!! ... had me literally break into a panic thinking WTF I ain't even halfway where I remember imagining myself being some innocent 25yrs ago.

By the time I hit 30, I'd felt like I'd run hundreds of marathon's nonstop and was hitting the wall. But the race was far from over. If anything it seemed now I also had signed up for the Iron Lady challenge. There was never a point in time that I got to take a deep breath and kick my shoes off and wiggle my toes.

I remember being very buoyant about the coming of 2011 but it seems that despite the astrological promise of a pretty decent year ahead for little piggy me, things are just revving up into complete disappointments so I gotta haul ass again and find the illusive ingredient that sets all chains unbound and lets me fly free like my soul longs to.

The more and more I think about it, I am really sick of working for people. This salary slavery has taken its toll on me long before this job. Where being the idiot I am, I try so hard to introduce things to help others, as they will all bitch about their current horrors but no one has the balls to improve anything. And throwing myself into trying to help, I suddenly realise I am wagging a war no one believes in - sorta like how the damn Yanks do it you know?? Am sure you get what I mean.

And once little piggy me realises it's a worthless effort, I do tend to get a little disillusioned. Because I have not a political bone in me. I dunno how to be sly and sneaky. I dunno how to use people for my own glory. I just want to do my job and do it well and if at the very least knowing my efforts bore fruit. I hate being singled out for any form of spotlight - I find it always creates unnecessary enemies who have imaginary reasons for hating you.

I cannot help it if I command a presence even in my downplayed soccer mom look. I do have intelligence which stands out even when you try to hide it. I have empathy towards people which makes me want to help even when the saner side of me side says fuck it ... it's going to be a case of some daggers in your back for trying.

Perhaps all these negative vibes and energy has been manifesting itself into tampered sleep wrought with vivid and visually disturbing dreams. Been a few where I actually see myself die. By formula if I dream of someone more than 3x, it usually means the next news I hear of them is they are on their final journey. I've now dreamt of myself dying 2x and in both instances it has been extremely horrifying deaths.

In both instances my soul sits amongst the 'mourners' and try to tell them I didn't mean to die and to please please take care of my girls. Yet I see a dramatised grief but caustic gossips and whispers from people I'd never expect it from as they remain oblivious of my presence.

I am wondering why I am having such dreams. Am wondering also is it because I am hitting the next decade of my life. Does it mean even more dramatic changes before my life comes to a new plateau where things finally fall into place and I might finally get to taste a peaceful stroll along easy street?

Perhaps before the Rabbit kicks in the Tiger is taking it's last few chomps on my juicy rear end. Reminding me that my life is not one strewn with rose petals but one of all things thorns and trying.

Perhaps the Tiger is egging the Piggy into pulling on every ounce of strength and faith to once again overcome and find a quiet spot in the sun to revel with my Bunny buddy.

All I know is that as I get older, it takes me longer to bounce back from setbacks especially when it's work and financial related because time is running out for me. I have so many responsibilities to ensure I have well arranged and taken care of.

But with a little faith and prayers am sure I'll get there eventually.

Just going to hang in here for a bit .... it is afterall just ONLY January ...

2010 In A Nutshell ... Dec 31, 2010

2011-01-02T20:39:00.002+08:00

I know when I started off with 2010, I had just submitted my resignation to XYBASE after what had turned out to be a fairytale gone bad because the bad guys won or rather I got too tired fighting battles on all sides of my life, the never ending divorce visits to court had left me with an allergy to altercations of any sort and I tended to implode more than take on the fight. I'd reached that point where all you want in life is a little peace and quiet to think about my future.

The 3 months notice period I had to serve saw me doing everything status quo - none of that kick off my shoes and file my nails from 8am to 5pm work week - not that the management appreciated this but now when I think about it ... it really doesn't matter they didn't because my clients did. And that's where the lasting impression mattered most.

Come the 31st of March my official last day, I was staring at being jobless for the very first time since I was 19 fresh after my STPM exams. Back in the good old days, my jobless state would have been welcome 'me time' in between new jobs. But alas times are different now. I had 2 kids to raise, bills to pay and no chicken feed pay cheque coming in to help stay barely afloat.

So when an offer that was not exactly to my expectations came about to move my ass to Dubai in search of the proverbial greener grass on the other side - which in itself is an oxymoron seeing as Dubai is a desert - what green grass was I expecting to find but perhaps those thorny shoots that camels make a meal off in the sandpits.

The first months were hell. I missed the kids, I missed home, I missed all things familiar, I had the sinking feeling of tighter belts because of unfavourable exchange rates and a package that didn't quite make the mark of a Gulf package. I sobbed for days in my hotel room, as I battled wanting to give up and go home instead of being in an even worse situation - in a foreign land alone without the kind of moolah you needed to make ends meet. Dubai is an expensive place to live in.

But I am always blessed. I made new friends through other friends who turned out to be like angels in my darkest loneliest hours. I renewed ties with old friends here and the familiarity of their smiles and warmth and friendship made it a little less daunting despite the challenges.

It also gave me time to sit away from all the mania I've lived with the last 8 years. The distance allowed me to pray, reflect, talk aloud to God, cry to my hearts content, do things differently and not worry who might disapprove. It gave me the very much needed space to find myself, a journey that's only beginning as 40 rolls up to me.

My 2 trips home showed me what troopers I have for daughters. They too are coming to terms with this forced separation. This last trip home for Christmas, I realised that my kids understand things a lot better than I give them credit for.

We talked about the fact that as far as I know they have a step brother. I explained that the fact remained that Jacob is their father and that his son will always be their half brother and that if their paths were to ever cross to remain civil and adult about it ... because it is not their half brother's fault. The faults lies in us the adults who did not think about consequences. They seemed to be able to accept this fact and even joked around taking scenes from the Parent Trap and asking me if I threw a hair-dryer at Jacob when he said he wanted to leave. We had a jolly good laugh driving back imagining me hurling a hair dryer at him.

And although they might in their little hearts yearn for a father to pamper and spoil them like all their girlfriends, they've decided that just the 3 of us is good ... and why spoil a good thing is how I see it.

Being a long distance mom is not an easy thing. The guilt trips that plague me for not being there for them 24x7, knowing I am missing so much cause they are growing up so fast. In another 8 years I will be having to watch and let go of my firstborn as she spreads her wings off to college life and a future she makes for herself. And as much as my younger insists she wants to be the baby forever, in another decade I cannot fathom her wanting to curl up to mommy and go oogly eyes at me at a drop of a hat.

These things you cannot recapture when the moment is passed. There is a reason God created parents and children. And because some adults decide to change their plans, others have to pick up the slack and move forward. I wait for their emails and to hear their voices on the other end of the phone even if calls are short and all news is shared in one breath. I cherish these moments probably more now that ever before.

My vacation home this year end I noted I hardly ever raised my voice and yelled at them when they became brats. I didn't that that unlimited tank of disappointments and stress to fuel an outburst. Instead I talked to them calmly and found that this worked better - lesser tantrums and tears but a more open channel to speak their minds.

I know I am grateful for what 2010 has given me ... it's not yet the bed of roses that I'd hoped to be at hitting 40, but it's definitely no longer the bottom of the cesspool of negativity I used to be in.

The challenges that have come my way this year, have naturally made me more resilient and more focused as to where I want to be heading to. 2010 gave me new friends, renewed and strengthened my sibling bonds, brought me peace of mind and calm from the past turbulent waters. Reflective I have grown emotionally and mentally and perhaps spiritually too.

I am thankful for a year that was deemed as it begun it's journey from bud to blossom as the start of all new beginnings, when slates were wiped clean and new colours where handed out to paint and clay to mold, and words to create song and prose.

It was a year that I relearned the meaning of blood is thicker than water, the truth that in loving with no conditions and expectations one had less chance of being disappointed, I discovered that when you stop loving yourself and give yourself no value - the world values you even lesser and it stops loving or appreciating your presence in their lives.

It was a year to let go of past disappointments, take the lesson but dispel of the bitterness and hurt. To stop and look deep into my conscience before doing anything of gravity. Could I live with the repercussions. It was also a year I learnt that some tenets we might hold steadfastly to, under circumstances we are forced to do exactly the opposite of what we believe and we can live with those decisions because this is the one life we have, the one life to make a lasting difference to the world we live in and to the people who are our world.

2011 will certainly have its own challenges of that I am certain. But what I am more certain of is that there is nothing I am incapable of facing and overcoming - because there is a God who carries me through when I need Him most, there are my family and friends my forever cheerleaders shouting Go Ani Go Ani Go!! and wishing me the best life can serve me.

When I look back at where I was in 2000, a new mother and a wife with a sinking feeling that the captain was not quite steady in his course, 2010 though fraught with some less than welcome experiences, I am smiling wider and broader and that sparkle in my eye is slowly coming back.

What an amazing decade past, and what an EVEN more amazing life ahead. Nothing to stop me from getting to where I want to be, only myself if I ever stop believing in myself and faith, family and friends.

Happy and Blessed 2011 served with a huge portion of good health, wealth and love is what I wish for all of you my colours words and clay as I step into 2011 ready to rock it good and steady.

See ya in the new year :)

Countdown To Home .... Dec 08, 2010

2010-12-08T19:36:00.008+08:00

Quite suddenly the very last month of the year is upon us. And Christmas time and closure to another year and the start of another just around the bend.

In another 2 days at this time I will be still airborne crossing over the subcontinent of India and the Indian Ocean and checking the remaining hours till touchdown in KLIA ... homeland my homeland.

I am almost certain I will be glued to the movies and if my calculations are correct I'd manage 3 movies before I have give my headset back.

This time round, I have taken a later flight instead of the 3:30am flight out of DXB I chose to take the 10am one instead hence arriving night in Malaysia - shower and to bed. I remember the last trip home, I'd had some problems with the 4hours time difference - which is not too bad a gap but when I head back to the sandpit I am going in straight to work the next morning ... so maybe continuing to sleep at around 2am Malaysian time might not be such a bad thing I am guessing.

I am wondering what the weather is like at home. Coz here in the sandpit it has gotten to the point where fingers and toes are cold and even the nose feels a tad bit chilled. There's a cold breeze blowing and from the kind of summer we just had, it's all so different now ... that crisp air feeling of winter just magnifies the seasons celebrations and ends and new beginnings.

I've decided that I am going home with a near empty bag and stacking up on all the goodies I can carry back for my cooking adventures upon my return ... maybe even a plant or two of pandan (screw pine leaves) and see if it will grow on my balcony here in Dubai. I found serai (lemon grass) in the LuLu Hypermarket. Some peeled anchovies, some pandan and maybe we might get ourselves a half decent home cooked nasi lemak :) with maybe a prawn sambal (minus the petai) or a beef rendang - food that when you're feeling blue and missing Malaysia ... just even the aroma lifts the spirits. Maybe even a few bags of those dried tofu to make some masak lemak type dishes.

If only I could find a grocery selling Malaysian goodies, I'd be happy. I can find stuff from the Philippines but so far no luck with anything remotely Indonesian or Malaysian. Think a small lesung (mortar and pestle) is the next acquisition ... for our kind of cooking these little things are essentials. Maybe even a rolling pin if I want to start experimenting with some pies and pastries in my oven when I get back.

My brother tells me the girls are excited I am heading home - there's even a welcome home card from Kasha. I know me and the girls have made plans to go watch the 3rd Narnia movie together.

My days at home are going to be pretty full - music concerts, Ashna off to a girl guide camp, get my medicals done, Christmas, preparations for school and then the New Year before heading back.

I am guessing on some days it's going to be crawling on others its going to be a blink and the day is over. But most importantly is being able to share the moments with those I love and who mean the world to me.

Dubai I will be back to kickstart 2011 and I am looking ahead. Looking back and trying to move forward is never a smart thing, coz you miss the pits in front worrying about those you left behind.

I am shedding the past as much as I can and learning every single day that in order to live a full life, one must learn that everything in life is done with some limits because too much of anything even the good then becomes bad.

For more news on my trip back home to my babies and family and loved ones ... Am sure I will be doing a round up year end.

Otherwise here's an early Blessed Christmas and New Year!!

Doing Different Things ... Nov 28, 2010

2010-11-28T15:46:00.006+08:00

Over the past weekend in Dubai, I had an amazing time out with some complete strangers and some friends I'd made since moving here on work.

I was asked rather randomly one day if I'd be interested in going on a trek some where in UAE in the coming winter weeks when the sun is not as harsh and unforgiving as it is in the summer months.

At first I wondered about this trek and wanted to decline since if you've seen me you know I am no fitness buff and I didn't want to embarrass myself agreeing to go and then not really doing any acceptable amount of trekking.

But in the end I said what heck ... we live but once. Let's go. Didn't cost me anything, it was an opportunity to soak in some nice weather, also a chance to hang out with some folks I knew and open myself to the chance of meeting new folks - one can never have too many friends.

So having convinced 2 lady friends although one had to pull out because she was still recovering a bout of flu, we talked 2 chaps from work to go along. In the end it was 2 ladies and a chap in our car. There was no doubts some amount of drama in the early hours since chaps being chaps anything on a Friday morning starting at 6am is a difficult task to achieve - i.e. waking up :))

But soon we were hurtling along. Originally there was a plan to head to Fujairah and discover new things. Was really excited as I'd never been to Fujairah before. However on the morning of the 26th we were heading up to Hatta Dam bordering Oman. Hmmmmm ok ... I'd been there before trekking for wadis but it was to the Dam we were heading now.

It was Siny and Raja's first time to Hatta mountains and they were both excited. From the pictures we took you will know what an awesome view we had and how much fun we had climbing some slopes.

Post the climb and drive back to Dubai we decided to have lunch a the Seaman's Marine Club in Bur Dubai and that's when we started getting to know the others. And although strangers, we felt really at ease and I know I made some new friends. The Friday ended for me with plans for an overnight camping trip out in the desert when I get back in January. YAY!!!

I got home with slightly lead laden legs, showered long under piping hot water, took a Mobic pill for the throbbing lower back and Deep Heat rubbed into all sore joints I called it an early night. Was called later in the evening and asked if I wanted to go out to a joint called Time Cafe where there's some everyone single along karaoke coz apparently I am now also labelled "crooner" *rolls eyes* ... but I declined as at that time all I had on my mind was my cozy pillows and sleep.

I spent much of Saturday slightly amazed my body didn't hurt as I thought it might from being completely inactive. I had some leftover spicy Chicken Chilli 35 in the freezer so I decided to cook some rice and have it with this. As the rice began to bubble, I had a brainchild. How is it that they make Dum Briyani? So I put the chicken into the cooking rice and when the cooker kicked off I had a pretty well balanced rice and spicy chicken mix. And that was how I found out how to make a version of briyani on a lazy Saturday afternoon :)

Sometimes when you have nothing to do that's interesting, you find yourself gravitating to the bed which is where I found myself around 15:00 and next thing I knew my phone was ringing at 17:30 ... Raja was on the other side asking "Hey you want to go out for Goan food tonight?" ... aside from the fact I had nothing planned for my evening meal and that I was also too lazy to cook, I decided that ok I needed to get out of this cabin mode I tend to keep myself in over weekends.

So it was agreed Vallie, Raja and I would go have Goan food that evening at Casa Goa in Palm Beach Hotel down in Bur Dubai. Now an interesting thing I noted. All the funkier type characters seemed to be found this side of Dubai. Even the Filipina 'kupu kupu malam' (night butterflies) in their super micro short shorts and button busting micro tops .... Ooooooo the more colourful side of town I noted ;-)

Vallie had insisted that the food would be spicy but somehow both Raja and me found it rather lacking on the spice-o-meter scale. My Chicken Chilli 35 (derived from 35 dried chillies ground with 1 tomato) was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY spicier. This was like a stroll in the park ... I didn't break a sweat at all and we did try quite a few dishes. Almost 300AED bill reminded me again why I do not go out for meals in Dubai. It's so expensive. Cooking for my community lunches is a far cheaper option :)

Nevertheless it was a great evening out with the usual suspects ... laughing talking taking jibes at each other. And it was a chance to forget some of the more pressing matters that plague me the worry wart that I am. I decided that I'd address these matters a little later as the facts weren't changing now or later. It was just good to feel alive and that living was possible.

We can find joys in small things. An outdoor trip, a shared lunch with friends, coffee sessions after work (am important teh tarik habit from home), finding reasons to laugh at oneself and the idiosyncrasies of others, it all helps one find ones balance in this big deal called existence.

I came away from the weekend with some new friends, and stronger ties with people I already call friends. Its all about living in the present and knowing where you're heading to in the future.

To the month of December I look, another year closes, an review of where I am now, family time in Malaysia with my girls and siblings and parents and of course friends. As the 31st draws to a close, I look ahead to 2011 - a new decade of my life, new milestones, all possibilities are ahead of me.

I wish you a blessed day and days ahead ... simply because once you have touched my life, you will always be there - special in my life. Till the next jottings of the incoherent mind :))

Many Changes And Yet .... Nov 15, 2010

2010-11-15T23:48:00.006+08:00

I have to admit coming out here, I'd have thought I'd be having loads of time to write and think and share my ramblings a little more regularly. However the move into my apartment meant that I didn't have an internet connection unless I was willing to budget a sizeable amount of my monthly survival budget. But recently I managed to get a temporary connection and hence here comes my first thoughts as I sit looking out of my main balcony watching lights flicker in the distance.

It is the eve of Eid Al Adha and I have been given a 3 day holiday ... so this effectively is my shortest work week since I got here. On Thursday I go in and then my weekend again - heeheheh I could get used to this.

Also I am counting the days down till I hop on my plane and head home for a good 3weeks of the kids and family and Christmas time - my favourite time of the year.

2010 has been a year of change. Mostly because I wanted my life to change. I was tired of how my 30s had passed me by in endless court appearances and only more heartache instead of solutions. Tired that people saw the troubles in my personal life as their basis to nitpick and say I was no good in my professional life even though I'd spill my gut just to be the best to my clients.

The one thing I learnt about all of this is that perspective plays a very pivotal role in life and living it. For almost a decade I saw myself as a unceremoniously disposed wife, a struggling mother, a daughter who'd failed her parents, and a sibling that could not in anyway contribute to making anything better, only worse.

Some of the choices and decisions I made were in some way bitter bile I kept repeating mistakes and making even worse choices and decisions. I went into a reclusive mode, I went into a sabbatical from faith, I went on an experimental stage of trying new things and thinking maybe if I hopped on board the way the world was revolving - somehow I'd fit in and I'd be normal in the eyes of everyone and perhaps they might actually accept that really I was no different from them.

At times I hated myself for seeming so spineless and stupid. I hated how I looked and yet I did nothing to look otherwise. Being ugly and unattractive meant less chances of more disappointments in my life. A life that has always had pain as an uninvited bed partner. A heart that dreamt of living the perfect fairytale, a brain that told me to wake up, accept my reality.

And then this opportunity to move away from everything I'd ever known, to make it in a new place on my own, to learn most importantly about me. The innumerable doubts and questions that went through. The painful fact that I had to be away from my babies. It was overwhelming.

And it still is, sometimes I ask myself what am I doing here?

The fact of the matter as the months roll by is I am pretty much living my life the way I did back home. There is no extravagance that people associate with a move to the middle east. The perceived mountain of money they think I am swimming in and using to wipe my ass instead of toilet paper is far from the truth. Pretty much everything I earn is pumped home to meet all those financial obligations that need to be looked into.

Years of struggling has made me a soul sold to the devil of credit cards and loans just to keep things moving, paying legal fees for the longest ever drawn out divorce case which in the end was pure waste of time and money - because even today nothing has changed. Jacob still does not pay maintenance in a timely manner. His mother still continues to antagonise my daughters with her periodic phone calls. At times I want to yell at her to go be happy with her grandson that Jacob had even before he got divorced. Why torment us continually???? Every time my babies hurt, I hurt. And I have hurt a long time, it is now time to heal and find peace.

I spend endless evenings at my dining table in my minimalist apartment staring out into the evening. I have become paranoid to think too much into the future. To plan too much because experience tells me every time I have done that, plans go haywire and I end up trying to get to my feet.

Here in Dubai, I have taken time to think. To look into my soul. And in my imperfections, I find I am whole. By nature I tend to give myself whole to any relationship I have with another human being. And I am learning sometimes it is best to withhold some, because not everyone gives any value to what you give them.

People are quite a mishmash of characters. There are the givers the takers the in-betweens and sometimes in this whole madness you find gems who give you a gentle nudge who make you look at your life and be thankful and grateful that life could have turned out far worse but as they say insyallah, by God's grace life is getting better.

I have made myself new friends since the move here. And in some of them, I see a little of myself. I can give advice as well as take it much better now because I am able to see that the strength in surviving life's trials is that one must first love one's self.

This is not in a narcissistic way! ... self love is about understanding yourself and most of all accepting who you are and why you are. This is a self discovery journey that only happens when one is ready to face truths and decidedly take affirmative action.

I have always been blessed with people who have loved me because I am love worthy! and even when I believed I was unworthy, they loved me more. Always gently nudging and encouraging me to take a step back, and look at me like how they see me. Who have constantly reminded me that those who hurt me in the past should remain there in the past buried and that each today is a chance to rebuild my life. And each tomorrow's foundation starts here and now.

Occasionally I still lose my temper, especially if it has anything related to Jacob and his continued nonsense. Sometimes I wonder if he expects that constantly being a pain in my rear end, I'd somehow be lobotomised should he ever turn up on my doorstep needing my help for me to actually help him. Errrrr sorry la ok, you are past trash I ditched, the only reason I have to even know if you're alive is because of the girls. Otherwise I don't really give a flying fuck as you used to say!

I watched the movie Eat Pray Love - and that movie spoke to me. I made a friend in cabbie I call Happy Singh - who seems like the male version of me with his commitments to family back in Punjab. Restless for change, looking to be something other than a cab driver who garners no respect in Dubai. For a kid of 26, he has an old soul. Whenever we talk, I find myself amused that I understand completely what he is feeling and what his struggles are ... because ironically I am on the brink of 40 and still looking for that niche which puts me par excellence above everyone else ... why? Because I know I am that good, just I need to find my mojo ... if you understand what I mean.

Hearing some of the stories of my other single mother friends, the choices they have made, relationships that they have found themselves in, I wonder if they too would benefit from just packing up and taking a journey away from all that is familiar and that they too find it in themselves to improve their relationships with the most important person in their lives - themselves!

The hardest person to love unconditionally is yourself, because we always put more value to the other people who come into our lives transitory or not. And giving them all of ourselves, we starve ourselves of our love, compassion, understanding and nurturing.

Here alone in my evenings in Dubai staring out into the silence that is my constant companion, I know that all my pains are slowly healing, and that in loving myself some, I am going to be able to give those I love most in this world will benefit from a happy content .ani

Until next time, there are many more nights of thoughts and healing and in time with the changes, all positive my light will shine bright. I am not called sunshine for no reason :) you know by total strangers I come in contact with.

Home Is Where The Heart Is ... Sept 14, 2010

2010-09-14T18:52:00.003+08:00

I got back to the stifling heat in Dubai yesterday evening, and although the humidity back home had me wishing I could walk about in the aircon all day, I still immediately wished I was back home - curled up with my daughters.

I guess it's never going to get any easier saying goodbye each time I have to catch a flight back to Dubai. There were tears from the girls and me with the final hugs and kisses and goodbyes before my brother zoomed me off to the airport.

And whilst waiting to board looking at kids with their parents really is sorta like salt in wounds cause my kids aren't with me.

It was a short trip home. And I was at home most of the time. Just relaxing with the girls, catching up on news and enjoying Malaysian food.

Caught up with my grandma who was telling me about her Italian and London trip. Caught up with some friends in church on Sunday. Visited Baby Melanie, a good friend of the family's new baby. Hung out for a bit in my usual KL haunt - in Happy Garden.

There's something about home and all places related to it. And tearing yourself away from home is about the hardest thing anyone can do.

Getting back to an empty apartment sorta just made me sit for a while in the darkness catching my breath. Because the emptiness of the place knocked the wind out of me. And I've started counting days till when I can hope on a plane and head home again.

It's times like this when I am overwhelmed with where my life had led me. Choices I made 15 years ago, is the price I pay now. And often dumbfounded when people tell me I am so brave and courageous.

The fact of the matter is I am chicken shit scared!

Yup it's out in the open - .ani is just one scared old lady trying very hard to maintain semblance of calm on the surface.

When a person decides to get married, we think we have a partner for the rest of our life to share the journey, but I learnt this is a nice to have and for a large segment it's a fairytale that eludes us.

When you have kids with the person you married, you think it strengthens the bonds between parents and transcending to parent child bonds, but I learnt soon enough my girls and I now form the statistical norm i.e. working single mother-children family units.

My decision to venture beyond Malaysian shores is stemmed from wanting to stop grasping at sinking financial straws and try to bring myself safe to shore in this perilous financial waters. It's the early days yet, and with current currency trends, sometimes it feels like instead of safety, I stepped into a whirlpool. Hit from all sides, it's hard keeping afloat let alone steady on angry buffeting seas.

As I looked upon my sleeping children's faces, I am convinced I am doing the right thing for us. And yet it pains me to not be there for them on a daily basis. Earning the moolah to keep us going is one thing, missing out on their growing up is another.

But I guess had all my plans worked to a T - I'd be tending house, raising kids, entertaining, holidays, family time ... maybe taking life for granted too, seeing as my spouse was on some meteoric rise in his career (taking from where he is today as a benchmark).

I guess what life has taught me since I woke up one morning to find all that was the norm was now a thing of the past was one can never take life for granted. Life kicks you in the teeth when you do.

Life teaches you that you can plan all you want but you are no way in control.

Life shows you to pick yourself up and find solutions.

Life reminds you that you must live life not go through the motions.

But life also teaches you to appreciate that even with what little one might have one can be content, one can be happy. All one needs to remember is not let the realities of existence, all those bills and expenses and red bank accounts rob you of the moments at hand.

It's damn nice to have large bank balances but it can't buy to love or respect ... ok momentarily it may. I realise I fall into the rat race rut if I allow all these things get to me. If I stop and for a moment think about all the things I DO HAVE, then I realise my life is pretty good going - I have family and friends who love me, I have beautiful children, I am blessed.

My heart is Malaysian, and that is home, but in the mean time it's back to making as much of a home as I can here in the desert. Who knows what awaits, someday perhaps this maybe my home if my heart start to beat in the rhythm of the desert.

I am back in Dubai .... counting my days to go home .... but I shall make it best darn days as possible :)

p/s: Have any of you watched Just Wright with Queen Latifa - for the romantics :)

Going Home ... Sept 07, 2010

2010-09-07T16:26:00.002+08:00

It has been months since I last wrote anything in this blog. A couple of reasons contributed to this silence i.e.

I moved into my own apartment and not gotten internet services installed
I seem to have lost the art of stringing words for the lack of muse
I have become a TV addict seeing as there is nothing else on hand to do once I get home
I spend loads of time in the kitchen experimenting with Malaysian food giving it my own touch - no fatalities to date :)

So instead of writing for the sake of writing, I have kept silence. I spend long hours on my weekends sprawled out on my hall sofa with the TV on usually on Fox Series having an overdose of CSI Miami/NY, ER reruns, Army Wives, Mental, The Listener, Criminal Minds and my favourite of all Ugly Betty.

Aside from that I may at times flood my mind with struggling to grasp my father's tongue an essential in surviving Dubai - Malayalam by watching the news or movies and picking bits of the dialogue and then asking colleagues the next day what something meant if I couldn't decipher it.

Otherwise it is watching rather fascinated at the extremes Arabic music videos are .... barely clothed women to super orthodox. Their videos are either super sexual content or gun/sword/cane waving and violence and dying 'jihadis' .... never fails to leave me wondering about this part of the world.

But today I am excited. I am going home over the Eid holidays to see my girls after 4 long months and trust me when you're a mother, 4 months feels like an eternity.

Every time I call home to speak to them, they sound so different, and I feel a huge stab at how much of their growing up I am not going to see with my own eyes. What keeps me going is knowing this separation is because I've had to try to find a way to earn a bit more for our futures.

I had decided not to over indulge them out of guilt and I have to say yesterday when I was grabbing a quick bite at the Express Carrefour in my apartment building, I felt an urge to go nuts on the chocolate aisle throwing in all their favourite chocs into my basket - aside from that being completely unhealthy, I also had to remind myself with the stronger RM every AED I took home meant a better exchange rate to cover the monthly expenses I still have to service.

But I know when I land in KLIA tomorrow afternoon, I am likely to succumb the call of the choc-shop and buy some for them. In fact I am already thinking if while killing time in T3 Dubai this evening, I should give in and by them each a lil pink camel :) ... coz it has always been my habit to buy them stuffed toys of local animals .... being in the desert what else is there that I can buy ehehhe but camels :D

I hardly slept a wink last night. Tossing and turning till my alarm rang to shower and dress for work. Too excited. Knowing that the never ending silence I face in Dubai will be completely shattered from the moment I walk in through the gates of home. And for the next 6 days it will be the usual war mediator, traffic warden and mommy to snuggle up with.

Am sure there will be versions of the same incident - one from Ashna and one from Kasha - both completely bowling me over that both my babies are growing up so fast. Every time I see babies and toddlers here I remember when I first held them in my arms. Now Ashna was almost my height when I left with Kasha chasing behind.

Am looking forward to home. Local food I miss so much here in Dubai. Sights sounds smells and the green as opposed to the sand here. Perhaps a little rain even :D .... that be awesome. To smell the world after a nice rain when everything looks washed and cleaned.

Perhaps the desert has parched my soul, and being from the tropics, I need the rain to feel REALLY alive again.

Catch you all when I get back or maybe I might write some when at home, inspired because home is where the heart is .... and my heart always remains Malaysian.

Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim friends and happy holidays to the rest .....

Worth Sharing ... May 26, 2010

2010-05-26T21:05:00.004+08:00

I got this email from Tomachan, a friend I made by chance some years ago on Skype and he's been one of my biggest sounding boards and cheer leaders over the years since.

This morning I found this piece in my mailbox and with the heart warming words "this email reminds me of you, a person who is worth a lot" and the low spirits I had been experiencing these last two days all seemed flippant.

I want to share this piece with all of you especially to the ladies who are constantly in a battle with themselves about their self worth ... and trust me each of us man or woman we are worth a lot to ourselves to those who love and respect us.

Please share if this piece touches you.

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, "Do you really want to know?"

Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

She began to expound: "As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man.... or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." "I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said:"I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game playing are not my idea of a strong man.

I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

He said, "You are asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Desert Diaries Pt2 ... May 13th, 2010

2010-05-13T19:04:00.002+08:00

A few days before leaving Seremban for Dubai, I mulled over the idea of closing off this blog and starting a new one which would chronicle my new days in Dubai from my point of view. Am still mulling the idea of it but then again am wondering about continuity of what was started.

So perhaps now if I have something to talk about, I will enter it under Desert Diaries and sequence it ... that might work. Oh well ... I might call it the Ashka Amongst Grains of Sands ... should I change the this blogs title :) ... we shall see what develops.

Anyhows, on Tuesday I went into the office and decided that instead of not doing anything especially since I only start work 16th and have none of the IT related logins and passwords - other than trying not to surf the net there was not much else to do. And I was doing half days sorta this week, I spoke with HR and informed that I would not come in Wednesday and Thursday and would reappear in the office on the Sunday all bright eyes and busy tailed.

Tuesday I had a very long extended tea (in place of lunch - Arabs have late lunches) with my most favourite local. He was my client when I used to be in Dubai in 2001, and the working relationship he extended to my team and I was really warm and most assisting despite holding a big shot position. He and I have daughters the same and in between work related discussions we exchanged notes on the progress of our then toddlers. And aside from work, I grew to think of him as also a friend.

Catching up after so many years, I was a little nervous. He is still a big shot in the reorganised structure of what used to be my client. But from the moment I said hello till we said bye with promise to catch up some more, it was just simply another amazing experience of why I've always had a love affair with Dubai.

We talked about the project I worked on and how both of us remain disappointed that it was killed when there was so much potential only not enough buyers into the vision we saw of where this 'baby' could go GCC and globally. We talked about our respective lives in the years since we last met. We talked religion, philosophy anything and everything.

And at the end of that tea session I realised that he was still probably one of most gentlemanly of Arab gentlemen and no wonder he is way up there on my most liked people. Wish more people I knew were as amazing a client, friend and teacher as he is. God Bless him and his family.

I also had dinner on Tuesday with another friend who has always been a silent sounding board for me when I was at my lowest points in the last few years. And despite the many skeletons I revealed to him from my closet, he has stood steadfast as my friend only caring that I keep my chin up and keep moving forward. He was in Dubai incidentally for meetings and made it a point to catch me for a pep talk on how I should take care of myself in this city. The sincerity and love and concern showered on me by people who were once strangers but who now are my biggest support system never fails to touch my heart and remind me I am blessed ... truly blessed to be cared for by so many.

Having wrapped up on Tuesday, Wednesday was spent in the company of my VERY first friend in Dubai way back in April 2001. Tony is someone who from the moment I met him, I knew I had a friend for life, a brother even. And Tony has always been there for me in Dubai and now that I am here for a much longer period of time, I know Tony and his wife Michu and their son are going to be a big part of my life. Because I am family to them and they are family to me ...

I spent the morning picking lil Lucas up with Tony, looking at some apartments, then we headed off to Jebel Ali for a meeting Tony had with a client. And I was simply stunned at what Jebel Ali has become compared to the endless sand I saw in 2001. One of the most amazing malls the Ibn Battuta Mall - it has various themes as per the travels and inventions and discoveries of the most famous Arab son, the Marco Polo,Columbus, Da Vinci of the Middle East. And honestly that is a mall one must visit.

I saw all the stunning property along Jumeirah and realised I couldn't live there even if I had the most awesomest view of the sea cause honestly it is claustrophobic the number of skyscrapers like the tower of babel. Once down with the meeting we took another route back to Dubai not before going through Sharjah emirate and man has Sharjah grown in the years in between. And then we headed down to Ajman another emirate within the UAE. Finally we ended up back in Al Nahda 2 in Tony's apartment.

We had dinner and chatted and planned for the weekend when Michu, Lucas and I would apartment hunt whilst allowing Tony to finish up some work pending. Lucas is such a sweetie, reminds me of another sweetie of the same age Sam - Sarah's and Alix's son another family who are tops in my list of most loved family I got to pick :) and Lucas had asked me stay over the night - so I did and it was nice to be with people instead of a cold room alone.

In the morning Michu dropped me off at my hotel and I've spent all of Thursday in solitary silence except for my iPod playing since 8am it's 2.2GB worth of music. My human contact has been the

- maintenance guy for the dodgy washing machine

- room service when I ordered lunch

- housekeeping when they came around to clean up my room and I was in a major sneezing fit

And like I said although I am as comfortable with silence and my own company, I'd much rather be yabbering away, exchanging views and ideas. Oh well poor Michu is going to suffer the ani overload from silence tomorrow *giggles*

The days ahead in this desert man created wonderland is before me. I am also looking ahead, a pair of sunnies in my hand when the sun gets too strong. Am learning again about this place I will call home for some time to come.

Time to call it a night me thinks and organise my body clock to local hours ... I seem to be running in some sort of lag at the moment. Catch you all soon .... Friday is the start of the weekend and we shall be house hunting - maybe some pictures next time around ya - what you think?

An Overview From The Desert, May 11, 2010

2010-05-11T14:01:00.004+08:00

It is officially day 3 in Dubai now. Although work officially only requires me to report on the 16th of the month. So in the mean time it's sorta like 'my time' - something I am completely unused to having been on a roll for the last 20years.

The 6 weeks I spent jobless in a state of unimaginable panic prior to this offer coming to me in a positive note is another thing I don't ever want to experience again.

The big difference being an unemployed single and unemployed single mom is that being the latter you have mouths to feed. The former can somehow manage to get by with a bit of self pity and wallowing in distraught thoughts.

And those last 6 weeks had me even more exhausted mentally emotionally and physically from all the things that were going on concurrently.

The few good things that evolved from it was that:

1. I got this job offer and although it meant I had to make a decision to leave Malaysia and all things familiar and head off to the desert where although not entirely foreign to me, was still a daunting task. Leaving my loved ones especially my girls in order to make us a better life was and is likely to be the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

2. The level of maturity displayed by my angels in their understanding and acceptance of me having to make this move and to set up in a foreign land before they could come and join me completely bowled me over. For a 10 and 8 year olds, they are pretty cool kids - am so blessed to their mommy. They snuck little messages and homemade gifts into my luggage which completely made me bawl my eyes out when I found them upon unpacking.

3. Judge #5 decided enough was enough with this insane drama that Jacob and his cohorts were playing and she made some decisions. Am not saying they are completely in my favour but there are now measures in place to enforce what should be. That although is not entirely a close of the chapter or the book - it is a positive step forward, an almost closure from years of waiting for the finality of divorce. The rest - well we will face them when we come to those bridges. But Jacob is now held accountable - and that was all I wanted.

4. Dubai is overwhelming. It has changed so much in the last 8 years I hardly recognise it at all and yet there is something familiar about Dubai. When you pick up the phone and call friends from then, they are happy to hear from you, happy you are back in town and all geared up to catch up and move forward.

5. To be honest I have been rather 'kampung' in my explorations of Dubai thus far. It's all so foreign and cabbies here are also foreigners and everyone only wants to speak in Hindi or something other than English - so every cab ride is an adventure of maybe I might end up staring at some camel out in the desert somewhere wondering how in heavens name is this part of the Dubai I thought I was heading to - hahahahaahhaha damn I need to up my Malayalam (apparently throw a stone hit 100 Mallus is the order of the day!) and my Hindi and along the way maybe impress the Arabs by doing some phelgm sounding snorts and grunts - heehehehhee I am so not going to be a favourite here I am sure! So In Dubai do what Dubai-ites do - become a chameleon of many shades **giggles**

Am slowly meeting different people over lunches, and dinners this week before the work kicks in full force - am actually looking forward to getting down and dirty with the job as well. Doing nothing is completely mind boggling for me. And I decided that although 'hello darkness my old friend' and the 'sound of silence' is all well and good but I really like the sound of people and the idea of working towards something.

Am hoping to whip out my old faithful NikonP1 and start snapping Dubai - for a desert it is amazingly awash with colour now ... and start taking amazing pictures of sunrises and sunsets - once I start figuring out where I am and what transports me around the best. Maybe a few house gatherings with my old Dubai gang ... of Lal, Shants, Anil and their respective families, chilling with my brother Tony and his family, catching up with other Malaysians here and speaking in another foreign language - Bahasa Malaysia was never more welcome then when in a foreign land :) and in it some anonimity and unity :)

Am off to meet the most inspiring of Arabs I know this part of the world (and errr I am in Arab land aren't I??) for lunch and lots of catching up on each other's lives. So let me away while the sun blazes and the temperature rises on the mercury.

Dubai is awaiting my explorations ... what adventures abound I wonder ... I shall keep you posted - that you can be sure of :)

Lotus Phoenix Is Inked .... May 5, 2010

2010-05-10T19:04:00.006+08:00

Before I go on rambling, which knowing me is nothing new, I had myself inked - yeah inked as in Tattoo :)

Why in God's name you ask? Well it was an appropriate moment I suppose. Things were slowly wrapping themselves up. All the loose corners which I have been stumbling and struggling through these last years.

And then again the Phoenix and the Lotus - 2 very inspiring symbols of life.So hence the search for a design that would convey both in simple yet feminine lines ... none of the harsh type tattoo images. And bingo I found my Lotus Phoenix.

Here's the pictorial journey .... and the meaning behind my tattoo is ...

In this design, the wings and head of the phoenix become the outer petals of the lotus flower, and the tail of the phoenix becomes the stem.

The phoenix symbolises eternity and rebirth, and the lotus flower represents perfection and overcoming every difficulty. TattooTribes (yup not was not created for me) - but it appealed the most to me at the time - now I have others on my mind

Unemployed Bum I Am - April 16, 2010

2010-04-16T18:10:00.002+08:00

Yup you READ that right - .ani after working working working non-stop since Dec 1990 for whatever reasons is spending the month of April 2010 unemployed and realising whilst no paycheque waits for me at the end of the month (no money from the ex either) bills amount and I'm triple tired from all the errands and running around I have been doing.

But I've had the opportunity to drop and pick my babies from school, and Kasha always has such a big smile when she sees mommy at the gate waiting. Ashna gets all self conscious but always happy too - mommy at the gate is a rare event for them.

I tendered my resignation in December and the wait for another job to materialise was to no avail as my last day of notice met me head on the 31st of March and the reality of release and freedom from something that made me so unhappy was clouded with the fact the for the month of April I had no money coming to me to keep myself afloat.

In fact I barely made all March due payments and now am pondering how to work this months bills - will the good Lord strike it in that man's head that he needs to send money for his kids - so I can pay all their expenses and fees at the very least? We live in eternal hope on that note hahahaha the day it comes without a lot of shouting and arm twisting be damn good.

So ask me what's it like to be unemployed - well my answer after nearly 20years of being a salary slave - it's bloody hmmmm not relaxing actually but more tiring than working ... so am looking forward to be gainfully employed in the foreseeable future or else I might lose more hair than that's already dropping off in clumps.

Catch ya all soon :D .... hugs ..... .ani

Lunched with God? ... Mar 10, 2010

2010-03-11T11:53:00.006+08:00

A feel good story : Lunch with God

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her some chips. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied! "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!

Yes this is another one of those email forwards that comes around from time to time and some touch me more than others. Have you realised that even on your darkest day the sudden smile from a stranger or friend suddenly like rays through angry clouds lifts your spirits?

With all the mediums available for communication today, people are losing the art of communication and we have to be satisfied with 3rd party applications telling those we care about we love them.

I find myself sometimes struggling to say to those dear to me that I love them. Why? Simply because in losing the art of communicating to each other, we have also lost the skill of forgiveness for the hurts from the past and the disappointments as a result thereof.

I struggle with forgiving my parents for some things they might have done better or tried harder for me when I was younger. Because we all have our issues with how we believe parents could have done differently for us. Although they probably struggle to forgive me for whatever disappoints I might have caused them - it happens in all families and relationships.
I struggle with forgiving Jacob for having outlined a lifetime of struggles for me as a single mother raising my 2 girls. And struggle to forgive him with how long this is all taking for me when I want to live my life with as little pain as possible.
I struggle with forgiving the people at work who turned my undying loyalty for the company and the boss to complete hatred for all and sundry that I made the decision to leave and to leave with no job in hand.
I struggle with forgiving others who have come into my life, taken what my friendship was worth and walked out without so much as a goodbye.
But most of all I struggle with forgiving myself for all the decisions I made (which at the time seemed right) that have led me down this path that's pitted me against crossroads, self-esteem and the right to love myself first.

Thankfully though, I still have the eyes of my heart open, to see compassion, kindness, humanity and love in all shapes and forms and to realise God walks with me constantly as I struggle, leading me slowly even as mistakes abound to coming to terms with all things and aiding me identify and change what is within my capacity to.

People are constantly coming into my life when I least expect to run into such persons. Some good, some questionable, but each leaves a lesson upon me. And sometimes even when it seems completely insane to think this way, I feel God speaks to me through these persons.

And I realise then, I am never alone in any of these struggles. For those who aren't religious, they'd probably make fun of my thinking. But I suppose each to his own. In a world where unhappiness and destruction is a norm, the sudden kindness of a stranger, the hug from a loved one reminds me that I am still in the periscope vision of God, and that for all my struggles, these too shall pass and I will be a better person for the lessons learnt.

These thoughts come to me as I sit contemplating my days ahead. All I know is that when you show kindness it comes back to you tenfold when you need it the most.

Have you lunched with God lately? Or maybe one of his many angels ... I've had some recent encounters with people who have reaffirmed my belief that God may have an odd sense of humour but he loves me still :) and that's all that matters.

Earth Hour 27-03-10 ... 04 Mar, 2010

2010-03-04T16:36:00.003+08:00

Another year and yet another earthhour for us to try and make a small contribution to conserving our fast depleting planet.

TX2 - Pledge your Support

2010-03-01T14:05:00.003+08:00

Content on this page requires a newer version of Adobe Flash Player.

Our Malaysian Tiger needs your support to ensure it stays alive. Visit TX2 and pledge your support in saving these beautiful animals.

Imagine 3000 of these big cats roamed our jungles 60 years ago and today 500 are fast disappearing whilst fighting to survive!

Take a moment to watch the message video and you will understand how important it is to save our big cat - he is gorgeous and majestic!

Make a pledge to not eat, buy or sell tigers, their parts or products that claim to contain Tiger essence.

ABBA - I Am Just A Girl - Feb 10, 2010

2010-02-10T16:37:00.003+08:00

Another Valentine's on my own - am a veteran of spending it alone by now and watching lovey dovey couples go by all flushed with romance. And the flowers, dinners and sweet little things in even tinier boxes exchanged. I smile to myself remembering past Valentine's when I was younger and exchanging home made cards with friends just to let them know they were special to me.

I also remember Valentine's with Jacob who didn't believe in Valentine's apparently. Also remember the one Valentine shared with Jaan and it was not really much different from any other day. Like I said the hopeless romantic in me would someday like to have someone take my breath away with the simplest of gestures but straight from his heart - that would be my perfect Valentine.

My sister would know what I mean when I say "Kevin Kumar' - I'd thought I'd met him but he turned out to be a dud and prince who turned into a toad ...

This is one of my favourite ABBA songs and I think the words sorta tell you how I view myself and how in the past I felt when well my heart was stolen - although at that time I'd not heard this song yet. But I think it feels sorta apt as I grow older and someday I will have some whisper 'I love you' and then I will know I was meant to be his girl.

Till then ... well we all live with the hope that there is someone out there for us, he's just not found me yet as Micheal Buble says :) Haven't Met You Yet.

Please enjoy ABBA's I Am Just A Girl ....

I am just a girl, one among the others, nothing much to say
Plain and simple girl, not a special type in any way
Just one look, and you will surely see
That the true "Miss Nobody" is me
It's an evil world that has only made me a girl

I am just a girl, not the kind of woman men would like to meet
Just another girl no-one ever looks at in the street
But today, I can't believe it's true
When you smiled and whispered "I love you"
Darling I could see, I was meant to be your girl

It's a funny feeling when you get to love someone
And thinking that he'll never look your way
But then he says he loves you, and life has just begun
It's so much more than any words can say

I am just a girl, not the kind of woman men would like to meet
Just another girl no-one ever looks at in the street
But today, I can't believe it's true
When you smiled and whispered "I love you"
Darling I could see, I was meant to be your girl

La la la la la, la la la la la-la, la la la la laaa
La la la la la, la la la la la-la, la la laaa
But today, I can't believe it's true
When you smiled and whispered "I love you"
Darling I could see, I was meant to be your girl

Blue Eyes - Mika

2010-02-06T15:01:00.003+08:00

The lyrics of this song are well something I can understand ... enjoy the Video

Your heart is broken
To your surprise
Youre sick of crying
For blue eyes
So tired of living
Misunderstood
Think hard woman
I think you should

Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then itll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you

Im talkin bout blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter matter
so blind, so blind
Whats the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter with you?

Your heart got broken
On the underground
Go find your spirit
In the lost and found
Oh I've been watching
How you behave
Not much like a lover
More like a slave

Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then itll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you

Im talkin bout blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter matter
so blind, so blind
Whats the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter with

Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter matter
so blind, so blind
Whats the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
Whats the matter with you?
Whats the matter with you?
Whats the matter with you

Am Not At All Bemused ... Jan 28, 2010

2010-01-28T15:09:00.003+08:00

Well day 28 of 2010 and we are still trying to spin more tales and yarns and I swear I am exhausted with the presumed levels of intelligence some quarters have of the Malaysian Rakyat!

What is the latest unbelievable story to hit the shit fan we have whirring over us in these extremely hot humid days? The 2 mosques that were 'gifted' with the head of pigs and a bucket and money - hmmmm what an elaborate exercise.

Reading TheStar report on the matter, I noted an interesting line in the report - humour me for a bit please ... let me get it for you ... report

Now the line that really interested me was this line

Rasbollah believed that those responsible had left the severed heads at the rear door of the mosque as they knew the spot was not covered by closed-circuit television cameras, unlike the front door.

Would the average Joe on the street know about the CCTV's installation and where was covered and where was not? I mean to be honest even my church is now CCTV-ed but I don't really pay attention to where the camera's are - why? Purely because I don't go to a place of worship with malicious intent or mischief up my sleeve.

I know when I involved in the KLIA project and the construction and fittings were going on, many of were aware at which points were covered by the snazzy security cams, and when several lust overcome morons on night shifts were caught in the early days on cams getting up to mischief when they should have been working - we thought to ourselves DUH! what idiots.

The same thought runs through my head now - What Idiots! ... If the culprits whoever these malicious cretins are, were trying to frame some sort of 'cerita dongeng' characters for this act, aiyo ... how in heavens name would any of these fictitious people Ah Chong, Rama, Simon and Sukhdev know which door was security camera covered or not. I don't think any of them would have in the first place ventured to check out existence and coverage of cameras to then go and do the nasty cowardly business.

Like all things in this country, someone else will plan and execute, and unfortunately someone else will be the scapegoat. I will not wait with bated breath for the police to catch the culprits because I am sure they will - I mean haven't they done an amazing job so far *cough cough cough*

So in Bolehland more and more eye rolling stupid things happen. But what I think is more important is how are the Rakyat reacting to all this over the top Razzie worthy drama. The whole script plot and actor plus producers and directors all super suck!

Because for the spin doctors behind this latest spate of nonsense, I really must think they are scraping the barrel here. Come on - has your education system (which cannot be found anywhere in the top rankings) really finally succeeded in creating empty airheads you expect to react to such pathetic plots and storylines?

Do you really have no respect for the intelligence levels of the Rakyat that you continue to spew such abhorring crap daily into the mainstream media?

Sorry but you ain't fooling me at all here. And from most of the multi-racial religious friends and acquaintances I have, it seems everyone is really sickened. We've been a 1Malaysia people - now if only we can bloody eradicate the disease called Politicians whose selfish agendas do not match the aspiration of the Rakyat.

So now it seems pig heads in a mosque, burnt churches and gurdhawara , demolished temples ... the sanctity of places of worship forever soiled, we see people who do not fear whichever God they subscribe to do as they please.

We're are getting to a point where even tragic comedy is no longer the apt description. But power corrupts and once corrupted, there are no more boundaries to what one will do to hold on to that power!

Malaysia, all I can do is be a better person that these conniving corrupted specimens and pray your people can read clearly between the lines what is really happening every time such news hits the shit fan!

Spin Doctors & Cat Wagging ... Jan 21, 2010

2010-01-21T14:10:00.003+08:00

Remember the group Spin Doctors? Once noted for Two Princes and Little Miss Can't Be Wrong ... well these guys be hard pressed to keep up with the spin doctors we have in this countries political scene.

Once a new shit hits the fan, immediately the spin doctor think tank goes into a whirl and wham another out of this world bullshit story will be delivered with such drama and passion. If you had nothing between your ears you'd immediately slurp up the crap.

Since we are damn good at 'Wagging the Kucing' ... (can't say 'pussy' the meaning might go to places we don't want to know about seeing as we have a new Sand and Sex Scandal. And 'dogs' are haram for some people to be touching to let alone be wagging! - hence the new revised version applicable in Malaysian context) ... we'll come up with more damn mind boggling stories.

It's a fairy-tale gone bad in Malaysia. Everyday waking up to listen to the new enhanced enriched stories is downright sickening. That might explain the constant nausea I am feeling!!

Most times I find myself wondering what is there left for me in this country. I ain't the special class citizen, I ain't AMEN-o backed, I have no godfather in high places, dang I can't even get a judge to grant me my divorce and my kids proper maintenance from their lost case father.

What is my tomorrow in this Bolehland??? Bijan and Hamsor continue to irk me. Old 'kucings' are now purring to a different tune ... some border on senile sometimes. Others you wonder if their mouth and brains are ever engaged at the same time. Because what comes out leaves more than bile after taste in my mouth.

Malaysians are divided over what Malaysia is about and should be. Many wonder if they might have to leave to find a more accepting place to nurture and raise their families. Others feel this is home and we should share it equally. Some others in high places think only of how to rape this country more whilst in power knowing that perhaps their days are numbered. People no longer are willing to take the crap their are dishing out sitting down.

Of all the people aged 21 and above not registered to vote, 62% are Malays - either they have no passion for the future of their country or they live in total apathy that it's always going to be how it is. Am proud to learn that the other races have seen a spike in registrations to vote - why??? BECAUSE WE INTEND TO SPEAK THROUGH THE BALLOT BOX .... and bite our butts if you find we knocked you out!

Can we say enough to spin doctoring and kucing wagging please? (wait isn't it cruelty to animals if you wagging the poor kitty too hard???) Can we speak as a mature nation via the ballot box? Can we please cohesively work together to make us proud to be Malaysian???

Please somebody ... anybody ... can you hear this plea?

On a lighter vein in view at how some people get so easily confused I share with you this joke which came in my email "

A man came home from work and his children ran to him and called out ‘Ayah ! Ayah !’.

His neighbour got very upset and said to him, “Can you please tell your children not to call you ‘Ayah’ ?”

The man asked, “Why?”

The neighbour retorted, “Because my children call me ’Ayah’ too. They might get confused and mistake you to be their father."

If you've not registered - GO OUT AND DO SO. If you are sick of all this nonsense then make it your duty to make a difference to the future of this country - you and I regardless of race and religion call Home!

January What A Month ... Jan 20, 2010

2010-01-20T10:17:00.006+08:00

Well it has been an interesting month. Aside from the mundane of work and coming going from work, the year kicked off very nicely for me.

Let's just say I took some bold steps ending 2009 as I wanted to leave that Decade from Hell good and well behind me. I did a really insane thing - I tendered my resignation without a job in hand. WHAT????? I can hear you go are you insane .ani??? You got kids to raise.

Yeah yeah I know. But when I look back at my decision, I am relieved and I feel alive again. I've got till the end of March 2010 to serve my notice and as I do, I am looking ahead for opportunities that I might grab at and move along.

I guess when there's too much water under the bridge, you can't ignore that the foundation is unsteady and it's time to make bold decisions and move forward. Because being held back by 'what ifs' and 'hows' is not going to get you anywhere - I've learnt that from the last decade. Trust me when I tell you, if you feel strongly about something - do something affirmative towards getting on the better side of it.

At my age, you cannot live in the shadow of fear and doubts, because the world we live in has no place for such like. You have to look at something, assess and move forward. Because all happiness and peace of mind is from within yourself not the people or the environment you find yourself in.

So January kicked itself off. Pretty interesting thus far. Along the course of these first 3 weeks of the new decade and the new year, someone said to me 'We think we have something that's worth taking a shot at, and we're going to do that.'

Everytime I read that line, it gives me goosebumps. One needs to break down that sentence into tiny bits to understand the essence of it. The fact that the entire statement is based on a belief that it's worth taking a shot. There is no known end result. Almost like shooting arrows in the dark we hope it hits what we are aiming for. I realise an interesting point of view from the person who said this. They believe in going the distance for what they believe potentially exists. It's uncharted territory but there's a spirit of adventure in the whole perspective.

And the spirit of adventure is what I'd lost through the Decade of Hell. The spirit of why not, let's give it go, oh well it was worth the trauma ... it seemed I wanted to walk on the safe side behind the drawn lines which in my mind were the barriers to living. I created excuses to why I wouldn't try something, built myself a safe haven in my reasons and barriers and obstacles. And in being safe, I feel like I am suffocating myself into obscurity.

Hell I am a Leo and you know how we lions are always out there in the forefront, making waves, leaving indelible marks on the lives we come in contact with. And for a Leo to sit on the sidelines and watch the circus play is kinda self depreciating if you get what I mean.

So with some thinking and am not sure if it's false bravado, I resigned from the place I once would have sold my life to the devil for. Because I realised, it was time to part and move on. And move on I shall.

One sheds the weights that shackle ones soul and one finds oneself lighter and recharged.

So January kicked off with a rather pleasant surprise which is slowly unfolding itself to my very 'Curious George' mind and it is going to be an adventure - I dunno where it's going, but check me in for the ride *eheheh*

I had both my siblings home and with the usual riff-raffs we exchange, I am convinced there are no others I'd want for siblings ... love my brother and my sister as they are. We went out one night for the usual 'Hokkaido Makan-Makan' session with brother inlaw in tow and friends and we had a riot of food and conversation. And I sat amidst it all just simply reveling in the love and friendship so freely shared.

Then I went out for a Sunday lunch with my sis and bro-inlaw and we had a great Sunday out before they left for Italy. I snuck in a mid-week outing with 2 friends and watched Men In Tutus - this has to be one of the best ballet performances ahaha because all parts are danced by men in literally tutus ... en pointe is not a man thing but these guys are rib-tickling funny and bloody good too. My favourite was the Dying Swan - 6'2 and lanky, he was really too cute with his interpretation of that classic piece :)

And then there was the event I'd been looking forward to from ending of last year. VIMA2010 and what an evening it turned out to be. This news article sorta sums it up for you ... and to top it off I gotta take a picture with my favourite band Deja Voodoo Spells, I got exposed to Benchmarx (sorry guys I just can't seem to load the clip I took of you at VIMA) and there's a whole lot of indie music talent here and from Brunei. You had to be there to know how good it was :)

For a kick off that ain't too bad. But usually January is sorta like a continuation of my December upbeat mood and along the year it starts to get all messed up with unfinished business and new things to deal with. By mid year I am usually just ready for it to end ehehehhe.

I intend however to beat the yearly blues this year and keep it in my mind that it's January all the way .... :) and if we've got something worth giving a shot, then a shot we will give as we embark on new adventures.

Keep you posted what all else comes colour my 2010 canvas ... but I have a feeling it's definitely going to be much more fun than the recent past ... nearing 40 but still 18 in my heart :)) we're shaking tail-feathers and going to live :)

Hello .. You've Reached God .... Jan 12, 2010

2010-01-12T09:08:00.002+08:00

Ring Ring ...

'You've reached God in all names, please leave a message after the beep.

However if you're Malaysian, please do the following before leaving your message after the *beep*.

Please press 1 if you're a Malaysian
Please press 2 if you're a Malay Muslim with presumed exclusive use to 'Allah' when speaking to me
Please press 3 if you're a East Malaysian Christian who has always called me 'Allah' but now your government has issues because they are a different type of Muslim and you cannot compare apples and oranges
Please press 4 if you're a Non Muslim in Malaysia and you really just want to tell me you've had enough of all this but afraid where your government will take all this to
Please press 5 and then hang up if you're one of those AMENO men trying to bribe me into making you even more rich and powerful.

Thank you for Calling God, but I've taken a sabbatical from Malaysia apparently you have a lot of 'demi and wannabe Gods' orchestrating this mess.

Have a nice day! God Bless!

*toot toot*

Who Are You Kidding?? ... Jan 08, 2010

2010-01-08T09:33:00.003+08:00

Good Morning Malaysia. Welcome to another absolutely AMENO fucked up day.

8th day into the New Year and the old rot persists and rather it further mutates into despicable levels that could make any pea-brained Malaysian cringe with disgust.

Church fire bombed in the night. Out of the blue? You think???? Hell no!! Another orchestration of people who need to incite racial disharmony. Why? Well because looking back at our history, racial disharmony brought amazing results for certain quarters - power is all corrupting. And the desire for absolute power makes you pimp your own mother.

Beng Hock's soul on the other hand continues to hang in limbo with only injustice served repeatedly. What have you got to hide la ... I mean you picked a fall guy already what, just spill your story and let's move along - I mean afterall we're just lapping up the bullshit like there's no tomorrow.

I am of the humble opinion that in Mindef, when the 2 jet engines suddenly were stolen and found in Argentina, that really it was NOT the Indian Sgt la who conspired the deal. WHAT how could he have done so - what locus does he have to act?

The TRUE story is that the cleaning guy from Bangladesh and Mindef's grasscutter from Myanmar who purchased, received and 'stole' the jet engines. They also have the locus and mind you the genius to then arrange for the entire shipping process and covered their tracks damn well. But apparently the 'cari glamour' Sgt la now want to go down in the annals (or should I say anals????) of Malaysian history as the smart one who almost got away with the big deal!

In Bolehland under the stewardship of the amazing Bijan and his plastic faced maiden Hamsor the truth becomes lies, the lies become fact.

Yes yes .... Good Morning Malaysia ... this is your fooked up life, live with it or start using your grey matter to decide the course this motherland of ours (yes ours regardless of who you are and what it says on 'bangsa/race' on you documents) has to take so that truly we will be Malaysians proud to wake up in the mornings - not cringe and say oh no another day of stories from the corrupted!

Kicking Of 2010 ... Jan 04, 2010

2010-01-04T17:10:00.002+08:00

Over the years, I have usually summed up the year on the last day of the year. Looked back fretted and fumed and laughed at all the nonsense I manage to find myself in somehow in the 365/366 days of a year.

The recent past years have been anything but a struggle. End of 2008 saw some major drama on the work scene that left me rather in an awkward position. The first 4 months of 2009 saw me in a sort of cold storage and a waiting game was played out. And then I was put here there everywhere it seemed and I still managed to find a smile to irk the higher beings who were playing this game with me.

2nd half of 2009 also saw me suddenly buried with work on client side with my colleague. Months on end we've been there on client side - it almost feels like we work for them - which isn't too bad a thing.

But as 2009 was rounding off, some interesting things began to happen. I mean all the tiresome divorce nonsense has to take it's course. But other interesting things.

The most significant being a promise to myself at the start of Jan'09. It was time and it was executed at the end of 2009 ... sorta like the end of the Decade from Hell, I decided it was time to put all these misadventures behind me. Things weren't 100% carved in stone but it felt right to shed the inhibitions and the anxieties and drop the dead-weights I'd had around my ankles all these years and let the phoenix rise within my heart and soul.

And I feel I made the right decision here (I don't too many good ones I realise looking back eheheh). People need to follow their heart sometimes.

Christmas 2009 was a small affair at home with brother, sister and hubby, parents and kids and my grandma. On Christmas Eve almost 20yrs since the 3 George siblings went for Christmas Service together. It was an amazing feeling of togetherness after such a long time. On Boxing Day we had a small group over for a BBQ dinner - everyone who came left with a feel good feeling and we had a blast hosting everyone and planning all the food.

My girls had a blast with their friends whose parents are now new friends found. Old friends came to make it an extended family occasion.

We had something to be thankful for. Dad's operation on his foot went well and the wound is healing well. Albeit it's a long recovery journey since Dad's diabetic we praise God and thank everyone for their prayers in those trying days before the operation.

Year end with one plan executed, I was in a chirpy mood relaxed. And when I received one of the sweetest surprises ever - something I didn't ever expect to happen. Perhaps like all things, all things happen at the right time and for the right reasons. I guess you could say it was a New Year gift I'd never dreamt of and yet it feels so right to accept and nurture and watch over as it grows. To the giver of this most awesome gift, you infused endless days of smiles and I return them to you in threefold :) ...

Then this first school day of the year and working day ... when traffic is at its snarling best. Accidents galore left right of the highway and realising some people may have been fatally hurt as a result, I got into a bit of cash eheheh - yeah I was the first pair of contestants for the new mix.fm Morning Crew's GenderBender segment ... cash so early in the morning and cash coming not going out :) - why would that not put a smile on my face on a wet Monday morning???

So albeit late to work thanks to traffic, I have felt thankful for the good things that I have experienced so far. Of course the usual comic tragedies in my life will persist I know - but the thing is, I feel 'come on take your best shot at me! I am raring to take you on'.

Perhaps 2010 feels all clean slate and canvas with nothing on it. Time to take out the brushes and paint.

And I feel the collage of 2010 may take on happier hues than it's predecessors. Those were painted by an unhappy almost beaten soul struggling. Those struggles are far from over but everything feels different somehow.

More promise and hope. More joys to be found than sorrows to be overcome. At least I hope the positive note in which the year has kicked off will continue and I will continue to look ahead buoyant in spirit.

I know I am easily knocked down but I have learnt to dust off and stand up and it's getting harder to knock me down these days. And that is something I am grateful for. Life's taught me to fight back for what I believe in and for those I believe in.

Life's also taught me that when I least expect to be loved for the person I am, someone out there tells me how special I am to them. And if that's not a soul booster to know I have touched someone's life without knowing, that just makes me believe in life again I don't know what is :)

Happy 2010 everyone ... am on my last year of 30 ... and the 40s looms ahead. I made myself a promise that by 40 am going to break out of my cocoon and take on the world in my beautiful colours ... and with all your love and prayers ... how can I fail??

As always .ani sends love and best wishes to you my friends and to the world. Let's make 2010 memorable in our book of life.

10 principles for Peace of Mind ... Jan 04, 2010

2010-01-04T16:33:00.002+08:00

Seems like a sensible piece of advice as we kick off with 2010 :) .... I know it's done it's rounds on the internet and emails ... but good advice is never wasted shared me thinks ... and nope me not interfering in your business what **heeh**

Happy New Year everyone ..... may 2010 be an amazing year of all things good for you and your loved ones.

~~~~~~~~~~

1. Do Not Interfere In Others' Business Unless Asked

Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others' affairs.
We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction.
This thinking denies the existence of individuality and consequently the existence of God.. God has created each one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly the same way.
All men or women act the way they do because God within them prompts them that way.
Mind your own business and you will keep your peace.

2. Forgive And Forget

This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often develop ill feelings inside our heart for the person who insults us or harms us. We nurture grievances. This in turn results in loss of sleep, development of stomach ulcers, and high blood pressure. This insult or injury was done once, but nourishing of grievance goes on forever by constantly remembering it. Get over this bad habit.
Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forgive and Forget, and march on.
Love flourishes in giving and forgiving.

3. Do Not Crave For Recognition

This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without selfish motives.
They may praise you today because you are in power, but no sooner than you are powerless, they will forget your achievement and will start finding faults in you.
Why do you wish to kill yours lf in striving for their recognition? Their recognition is not worth the aggravation.
Do your duties ethically and sincerely.

4. Do Not Be Jealous

We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You know that you work harder than your colleagues in the office, but sometimes they get promotions; you do not. You started a business several years ago, but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business is only one year old. There are several examples like these in everyday life.
Should you be jealous? No. Remember everybody's life is shaped by his/her destiny, which has now become his/her reality.
If you are destined to be rich, nothing in the world can stop you. If you are not so destined, no one can help you either.
Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only take away your peace of mind.

5. Change Yourself According To The Environment

If you try to change the environment single-handedly, the chances are you will fail.
Instead, change yourself to suit your environment. As you do this, even the environment, which has been unfriendly to you, will mysteriously change and seem congenial and harmonious.

6. Endure What Cannot Be Cured

This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations, and accidents that are beyond our control...
If we cannot control them or change them, we must learn to put up with these things. We must learn to endure them cheerfully.
Believe in yourself and you will gain in terms of patience, inner strength and will power.

7. Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew

This maxim needs to be remembered constantly. We often tend to take more responsibilities than we are capable of carrying out. This is done to satisfy our ego.
Know your limitations.
Why take on additional loads that may create more worries? You cannot gain peace of mind by expanding your external activities.
Reduce your material engagements and spend time in prayer, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in your mind that make you restless.
Uncluttered mind will produce greater peace of mind.

8. Meditate Regularly

Meditation calms the mind and gets rid of disturbing thoughts. This is the highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it yourself.
If you meditate earnestly for half an hour everyday, your mind will tend to become peaceful during the remaining twenty-three and half-hours.
Your mind will not be easily disturbed as it was before. You would benefit by gradually increasing the period of daily meditation. You may think that this will interfere with your daily work. On the contrary, this will increase your efficiency and you will be able to produce better results in less time.

9. Never Leave The Mind Vacant

An empty mind is the devil's workshop. All evil actions start in the vacant mind.
Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something worthwhile .
Actively follow a hobby.
Do something that holds your interest.
You must decide what you value more: money or peace of mind. Your hobby, like social work or religious work, may not always earn you more money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement.
Even when you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or mental chanting of God's name.

10. Do Not Procrastinate And Never Regret

Do not waste time in protracted wondering " Should I or shouldn't I?" Days, weeks, months, and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating.
You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Value your time and do the things that need to be done.
It does not matter if you fail the first time.
You can learn from your mistakes and succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Learn from your mistakes, but do not brood over the past.
DO NOT REGRET. Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Why cry over spilt milk?

Christmas Time ... Dec 29, 2009

2009-12-29T12:00:00.002+08:00

Christmas time has always had a special place in my heart. Back when I was kid and realised there was no Santa Claus really but still it was nice to lie still in bed on Christmas Eve and imagine the sleigh bells and the Ho Ho Hos ...

And as I got older and lived away from home when I started working, present shopping, last minute lunches with church friends before we all headed home to our small towns added to the happy feelings of the season.

Although the last few years have been somewhat marred by the disintegration of my marriage, I've tried to recreate in my mind the same festive feelings I had as a child. Hoping to share and create images for my daughters. Poor things have not really had very joyous Christmases but with each year, we are trying to make them memorable for them.

After nearly 20 odd years my brother, sister, my daughters and I attended Christmas service on the 24th in our church in Brickfields. We 3 walked in together and crossing that threshold into the church compound just brought back so many memories for each of us. It has been a long time since we 3 siblings went together and it being Christmas time made it even more special for us. I will always cherish this Christmas and give thanks to God for prayers answered.

We nearly might not have celebrated Christmas this year as 2 weeks before dad had to undergo surgery and amputate 2 toes - being diabetic and a stubborn one at that since his stroke, he'd gotten a wound which turned gangrene despite best efforts to keep it clean. 9 days of hospital shuttling with mom and brother taking turns to watch over dad, me shuttling between hospital and home to keep kids and maid in order. Dad being discharged with a clean bill on the wound was good news and Christmas looked even brighter.

This Christmas, we decided to keep it family - being a Friday and a vege day in my house. Mom cooked some simple dishes and we were all at home. Sister and bro-inlaw had arrived, so it was a full house. There was a BBQ planned for the 26th and each of us had our friends over.

As usual Christmas at the Georges is something that brings people from all walks of life and ages together for a good time of celebration of food, company and leaving troubles behind, even if we have to pick them up the next day ... but for that evening it was magical in my eyes.

The group was smaller than in the past years, but I am sure this will always tip on either side of the scale. We've had 200+ ppl at the same time in 2005 and this year we had just under 40 but all the same we shared in friendships and good cheer.

The BBQ ended Sunday morning when the last of guests left about 7am and it was a slow day to recuperate. We missed some others who were not able to make it or present but they remain in our hearts always.

I have to say after a really trying frustrating year, I thoroughly enjoyed Christmas 2009. It was in many ways a Christmas I find hard to describe with words. The usual George family dramas, stress and outbursts took place. And yet this is what I suppose makes it so much more special, when the extended family and friends arrive, we know how to give everyone a good time and it amazes me how so many look forward to begin their annual winding down with a Georges Christmas do ... I so look forward to opening my home to many many more such Christmases.

We might not have jack frost nipping at our noses, and no Frosty the snowman or chestnuts roasting on an open fire ... not even a blue White Christmas, but I feel just perfectly happy to be surrounded by those I love most dearly in my life and to know so many others love me too with all my spots and faults.

Blessed Christmas everyone ... isn't it just a simply special time of the year?

7 Years On We Trudge .... Dec 29, 2009

2009-12-29T10:34:00.007+08:00

Well well well ... another year comes to an end ... but so many things remain unfinished.

The most trying being trying to get 'divorced' from Jacob. I mean COME ON!!! it's into it's 7th year since he walked out and I am STILL legally his wife. The irony to this is illegally illegitimately he now has a son to boot in this merry madness!

So came March 13th, after endless stupid negotiations with yet another know-it-all lawyer brought in by the sister of the mistress - I mean every single scam in the lawyer's book of scams they have thrown at me in the last 7 years to delay has been amazing. These days before I go to court (for which I wasted a lot of my Annual Leave in 2009) I already know what will happen, what trick they will pull, and how they will pull it and how the obviously already disgraceful judicial system will allow the oppressor more time to oppress the oppressed instead of meting out justice where it should be meted out.

So on 13th March - we came up with a Consent Order. The 2 key points that took 3+hours and then Jacob still had no balls to stick to his word when the Sia sisters said No Go ... made me laugh - how pathetic can a person be! ... RM2300 a month halved when the elder reaches 18 (she's turning 10 in 3mths) and nothing more when the younger turns 18 (who incidently is going on 8 in May). Mind you he promised it would be paid on the 7th of each month - hahahahahaahahahahahahah like that happens! Only before any court date, suddenly miraculously a cheque will appear for some 6-8 months ago never in full for all months.

And this from someone who is Senior Director, Regional Demand Planning APAC, Customer Delivery Operations (CDO) at Alcatel-Lucent living on expat package in China. I am guessing here if RM2+k is so difficult to come up with for a position like that, then it must be there about McD's counter service salary scale (haahahhaahah ok ok I earn pittance but REALLY here! and then pro-rating it when it finally comes in the form of a cheque - I swear my tolerance level and sense of humour at this comic tragedy they insist on playing has increased over the years!!). Didn't think a 77K strong multi-national was such a bad employer in terms of salary perks for expats!! No wonder I work in a local Sdn. Bhd. - it makes more sense when I take home my salary and count the sen then!!

His crafty counsel as a counter proposal to my RM100k for each daughter as an education fund for their tertiary since although they said education is paid for by the company Jacob works for till University, Jacob refuses to include his daughters in that benefit (apparently being born a girl means you have no right to furthering your education in this day and age - well at least from Jacob and the Sia sisters point of view that is. Let me guess whose name is down for those benefits???) So crafty lawyer says Jacob is agreeable to an Education Policy of RM150k each daughter (surrender value for those in the know of insurance and how it works) but alas .... 9months have passed and they have proposed anything but that - each time requesting more time to rectify their mistake.

You would have then thought that the Honourable Judge might have done an honorable thing and chosen my submissions over their crappy porposals but noooooooooooo apparently judge feels they should be given more time. Now judge is being transferred to Shah Alam and so instead of giving an Order, judge has set a new date in Feb 2010 before a new judge who will also in the end give in to innumerable requests by Jacob's side for postponements and delays (and I say this from experience - we're going into judge number 4 or 5 now for this matter!)

Apparently in the Malaysian Judiciary, making a decision is a difficult thing for these people in the hot seat (just look at how every case of any nature progresses these days!) because apparently going to the Court of Appeal will eventually make some of them look really stupid even if they did give good judgement - Oh Well we are in Bolehland afterall.

When all of this news came back to me 23rd of December, I have to admit I sat down and cried my eyes out. I had to get it out of my system. I had every intention to celebrate Christmas in an upbeat mood. No more of that ghost of Christmas 2002 when all this began. It has been a long battle.

And you know what? I know what Jacob is hoping for, that like other times in the past when he wanted something I opposed to, he'd keep at it in his usual way and eventually he'd get his way. Well sorry dude, you're banking on the .ani from the past, you've changed me into something you've no idea what tenacity you're up against now.

The crying was merely at the frustration of being at the receiving end of injustice for so long. And I wondered, I am educated working woman and I have had so much trial and tribulation just to get a divorce with something for my kids (What about those other women who have no knowledge of their rights or money to get help). Were I to be asking for 600million or something to that effect I can understand being fought every penny, RM300k as a contribution to the girls education fund. Any parent knows that's peanuts in today's education costs. It won't even cover 1 year of Engineering or Medicine (yes I see potential in my girls why should I shortchange them??)

But at least there's something to kick off with. Whilst I drill the girls daily to study harder, work harder, score better. Whilst i scrimp and save and try to put pennies and hope to make them dollars. All I have to offer as a mother along with love and caring is a chance at an education that will take them to greater heights and then my job is done. Apparently their father does not share that same sentiment. But then when all his expenses were paid for by his working brothers, what would he know of the value of an education desired and no funds to ignite that dream.

Life is always full of ironies. But if I calculate it right, I see some ironies in the future. I have begun to make peace with myself on so many issues and I see better now. Clarity of vision is vital to survival as is instinct in a world where people never pause to reflect as they mete out injustice.

7th year so what. Drag it out as much as you want, I am patient ... very very patient. After all I'm not going anywhere anytime soon :) ...

Goodbye GeoCities .... Oct 27, 2009

2009-10-27T09:04:00.002+08:00

I remember way back in 1996-97, when I first entered this wonderful experience of chatting, surfing and being and internet freak, there was a place called GeoCities. We had hmtl chatrooms, we could private chat, we could even have our own little easy to create and maintain webpages - sorta like the start of all this blogging mania that continues today.

On Geocities, I met many interesting people from around the world. And as we chatted, exchanged information, teased, flirted, some fell in love and were happily ever after, some fell in love on to crash boom bang one net met real life, it was a vibrant platform for interaction across all corners of the world.

There were chats themes and for all lifestyles. I remember I met my best friend on one of those alternative websites. We started talking. I was in a stage of learning that people's choice of sexual liaisons was a personal choice and one that did not usually dictate the rest of their interactions. Speaking with the gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transexuals in that particular room, and I discovered friends and friendships that opened my mind and made me more understanding. Just because someone is different from you it doesn't make them wrong, because there will come a time you might be different from the rest too. These were extremely intelligent, successful, caring loving friends. And me and my best friend, we have stood the test of time and distance and I can only love him more for the wonderful person he is. ~~~MEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW~~~ you know who you are :))

The most significant chatroom in Geocities which touched my life and I made so many friends globally was the Rainforest. And in the Rainforest, I was known as the lioness. :)) doesn't take a genius to figure out this was because I live in a Rainforest country and I am a Leo hence the lioness. If I look at my Yahoo Messenger and email address book, I still have many of those friends from that time whom I keep in touch with some sporadically some more frequently. And all have remained amazing supportive friends through the years.

Many I have met in person either in my travels abroad before or they've made trips or in transit in Malaysia. And we met with some misgivings at meeting someone who other than typed words exchanged was really a stranger only to find when we said hello, there was none of the 'stranger anxieties' but really just friends catching up in person. Conversations flowed easily, like as if we did this every other day. Three people who immediately pop into my mind from the Rainforest are AbbyN, Pseudoreal, and Silas - and 13 yrs later, we're still in touch. The power of internet eradicating distances.

I had my first 'blog' too on Geocities. It was called the Lioness of The Rainforest (I think - my friend .sha would remember better coz he reminded me of this final days of Geocities). I put up pictures, I had stories about my love story with Jacob. I had poems. I actually wrote all of the html codes myself even with funky flashing text and all. It was my pride and joy. When in 1997 I moved to KLIA site, .sha did me a favour and backed up all my files and pictures of my spot on the web and gave it to me in the harddrive of Charles my pc. Charles the pc has long died and the harddrive was saved (still have it wrapped in exactly the same plastic .sha gave it to me in after he'd rescued it just for posterity sake) Charles the pc was a 486 running Windows 95 - ahahha man have we come a long way now ....

Some of the material from Lioness of the Rainforest I had in written form which I have since loaded into my more current blogs. Some of it remain on Charles the pc's harddrive that is obsolete and forever shall remain thre.

Goodbye Geocities. It was the catalyst to an amazing menagerie of friendships that have lasted 13 years and I am confident will survive the test of time. Thank you for the memories, thank you for the experience.... and you were doing great until Yahoo bought you and things got a bit more complicated. I am sure many of your early users also hold extremely fond memories of your. RIP Geocities.

Ooooops ... Oct 21, 2009

2009-10-22T09:15:00.003+08:00

Teoh Beng Hock's Cause of Death .... if you can't read it on Malaysiakini here's the text below.

KUALA LUMPUR, Oct 21 — Thai pathologist Dr Pornthip Rojanasunand told the coroner’s court this morning that there was an 80 per cent probability that Teoh Beng Hock’s death was homicide and not suicide, and suggested that some of his injuries were sustained before his fatal fall.
Under questioning from Selangor state lawyer, Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, Dr Pornthip testified that the political aide was indeed alive when he hit the ground but added that he was unconscious, judging from the lack of injuries to his wrists and ankles.

She explained that if he were still conscious when he fell, there would have been “reaction wounds” to show he had instinctively tried to stop from hitting the ground.

She said that Teoh’s injuries showed he could have been strangled and that he sustained anal penetration before he fell to his death on July 16.

Dr Pornthip added that Teoh could have passed out as a result of the strangulation or from the pain from injuries to his anal region.

She told the court that the likelihood that Teoh had committed suicide — the theory previously put forward by the two pathologists who examined Teoh’s body after death — was only 20 per cent.

The stunning testimony made by the forensic expert, who gained international prominence from her work in identifying the 2004 Asian tsunami victims and more recently in the death of Hollywood star David Carradine, appeared to suggest Teoh was assaulted before his death.

Using a graphics presentation, the 54-year-old who has carried out over 10,000 autopsies over the last 27 years, told the court that not all the injuries sustained by Teoh were consistent with those caused by a fall.

The anal tear, which she described as a “penetrating injury”, appeared to have happened before he fell.

Dr Pornthip noted that the tear measured 6cm-wide by 2cm-long.

She rejected the idea that the anus was penetrated by a bone fragment, which had been put forward by local pathologist, Dr Khairul Aznam Ibrahim from the Hospital Tengku Rahimah Ampuan in Klang.

She reasoned that if that had happened, the force would have punctured the area opposite its entry and not as what was shown in the autopsy photos taken.

She suggested that they were caused by an object inserted into Teoh’s anus from a bottom-up direction, which she indicated with a blue arrow on a picture slide projected on a white screen in the darkened courtroom this morning.

“This kind of injury, I’ve not seen in cases of fall from height,” the director-general of Thailand’s Central Institute of Forensic Science (CIFS) said.

However, she could not say what the object was.

She also said that the depth of the tear was not measured or mentioned in the autopsy report.

Dr Khairul had jointly written the autopsy report with Indian pathologist Dr Prashant Naresh Samberkar who is currently based at the Universiti Malaya Medical Centre in Kuala Lumpur.

Several stripes on Teoh’s upper thighs, just below the buttocks were also pointed out as inconsistent with injuries caused by a fall.

Dr Pornthip suggested the horizontal lines were the result of a beating with a stick.

She added that if she had carried out the autopsy on Teoh, she would have cut open the thighs just under the skin to check for internal bleeding in order to confirm her theory.

She also pointed out several “round” bruises on Teoh’s neck, which could mean “manual strangulation” by fingers.

Her lengthy explanation on Teoh’s neck injuries was peppered with graphic references to her own case studies of strangulation victims.

The skull fracture on Teoh’s head, she said, was not typical of an injury from a fall, but more compatible with the result of blunt force applied directly to the skull.

“I found contusion on fracture line, so the fracture could be caused by blunt force injury directly on skull,” she said, explaining why she disagreed with Dr Khairul’s and Dr Prashant’s theory.

The two doctors who performed Teoh’s autopsy had previously put forward the idea that the head injury may have been caused by the momentum of the landing.

“For transfer of force, (you) only find ring fracture at base of the skull along (the) spinal column, not a linear fracture and not a cervical spine fracture,” she added.

She said that her assessment was based on Teoh’s autopsy report, the photographs of his injuries and from snapshots taken at the site where his body was found.

Dr Pornthip who had earlier suggested that Teoh may have been dragged before he plunged to his death told the coroner’s court after lunch break that she no longer held the view.

In her testimony earlier, she had contradicted Dr Prashant’s idea that it was caused by the impact on the ground.

She explained that she had been allowed to view the original pictures of the shoe, which are of a better quality than the copies she had been provided, and confirmed that the marks on the sole were indeed caused by the impact when Teoh landed on the hard and rough ground feet first.

She told the court she would like to carry out her own autopsy on Teoh, but magistrate Azmil Muntapha Abas who is acting as coroner in the inquest, indicated that it may be too late to do so at this stage.

Dr Pornthip had also previously sent two assistants to join the court to survey where Teoh’s body was found on a 5th-floor landing outside the offices of the Selangor branch of the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) in Plaza Masalam here.

Teoh, who was the political secretary to a DAP state executive councillor, had been questioned overnight on July 15 to help an ongoing investigation into claims his boss had misused state funds.

Dr Pornthip was engaged as an expert witness by the Selangor state government.

She had been among the first names suggested to carry out a joint autopsy on Teoh, but was rejected by his family whose reasons remain unknown.

Earlier, she told the court that she had conducted over 10,000 autopsies in her career, of which more than 100 dealt with fatal falls from high places.

She estimated Teoh to have died between 6am and 8am on July 16.

Now isn't this finding interesting hmmmm .... After all the crap that chap Hishamuddin Hashim came out and said, I really dunno if they think all Malaysians are absolutely daft and dumb to think Teoh actually committed suicide.

It scares me to think that the powers that be can so blatantly lie. But I am looking forward to seeing just how they still manage to wrap this up in a nice bundle and say the boy killed himself.

Justice are you forever blind????????

Happy Diwali .... Oct 16, 2009

2009-10-16T20:03:00.005+08:00

Here's sending you the warmest of wishes to all the netizen on this happy celebration of Light.

"On the eve of when Good overcomes Evil;
When in the morning hour Light overcomes Darkness;
We send you wishes warm and bright this Diwali"

Loads of love and hugs from us 3 - .ani, Ashna and Kasha

Should We Also Scoff??? .... Sept 28, 2009

2009-09-28T16:14:00.004+08:00

Indonesian Embassy scoffs at War On Malaysia claims. Makes me go hmmmmm ...

Ok if you read that Dailychilli.com's Loony War Plan this morning and then the ambassador's dismissing it as ludicrous. Well ok if you see what their numbers or lack thereof, we too might join in and take it all too lightly and scoff and this ragtag team calling themselves Benteng Demokrasi Rakyat (Bendera).

I for one think sometimes in our total Boleh-land fairytales and myths to truth land we live in ignore some very seriously obvious details.

If you read the articles, apparently 10 spies have been sent on a reconnaissance mission to identify landing areas for this attack on Malaysia.

Errrr ok but can I just stand corrected here ... we have about 500k registered Indonesians working in Malaysia the last time such statics were issued - not to mention the fact that in every 4 out of 5 Malaysian households there is at least one Indonesian maid. That coupled with the fact that there are likely several million illegal immigrants, stolen identities and well election provided citizenships ... of a race of people who are forever Indonesians whilst they enjoy their new found 'bumi' status perks we're in quite deep shits me thinks.

Aside also from the fact the number of Indonesian descent politicians we have - one such Mr. Oyot comes to mind, ... should be really be scoffing at such a threat??

I dunno la. Perhaps we like to pretend we're all shiny happy people. And what Beyonce wears is more important than possibly having our throats slit while we sleep in our very posh homes (for those of that stature).. I mean come on how long do you think you can keep stealing from other people before someone decides to say enough with this crap - this is ours and since you like us so much, let's just invade you.

Malingsia - is what they call us in Indonesia ... the Thieves of Asia, and well I come from a very deep rooted ancestry of Indian and Chinese history, my ancestors stole nothing, we're quite proud of what our culture, language and heritage is all about. But then this nomadic pirate type people who suddenly found themselves in a land with potential, displacing the rightful princes of the land the indigenous folks - okay so they don't actually have exciting names like the Native Americans ... I mean how does Jakun and Sakai measure up to gems like Sioux and Cherokee???

Now you have to build a culture to call your own. To legitimise your existence as a 'cultured' civilised' lot .. so what else can one do but first copy, then rewrite all the history books and eradicate the origins of everything. And suddenly we have Malaysia Truly Asia. Then using this learnt culture and credibility you try to lord over the rest of us historically rich people.

Tsk tsk tsk ... this country saddens me. Where is the history that I learnt which made me so proud of how this nation was built. We have only fairytales now perpetuated as truths. Everyday more and more myths become truths, truths erased from the annals of time, to forever never be spoken or made known.

How the Kapitans and the tin miners, the Kangani and the rubber tappers, the merchants and the traders and the men of faith ... oh how they must roll in their graves in such anguish at what we have become today.

So whilst the rest of you scoff, I think I will be a little more vigilant, and if anyone decides they want to send me to Indonesia on work, sorry no go, I have kids to raise. Dying does not make me a hero in your eyes, I will not be martyred because I am not one of you or so you keep reminding me!!

Thieves of Asia sounds so much more appealing ... almost like a Caribbean swashbuckling tale with Bijan and Hamsor in lead roles ... and I can see where some other prominent wannabes will be in this tale.

Am off . I wonder if they'll come to collect me to check-in the hotel someone wants to fill to the brim ... till then, the Bendera chaps might look loony to you, but there's a whole lot more loony happening in this country so don't laugh too much, you might choke on it soon enough.

'Fring Your World' .... Sept 6, 2009

2009-09-06T14:51:00.005+08:00

Yes I guess when you've spent hard earned penny pinched saved money and gotten yourself a funky (ok not so funky anymore) Nokia E71, it only makes sense to start learning your phone and getting it to work for and with you.

I got broadband on my phone, which allows me to even to my internet banking over the phone. It also allows me to check my gmail, update my Facebook, check my Twitters ... aside from the usual phonebook and reminders, it has a funky camera and video feature ... good stuff :)

However, I have been slow on the uptake of adding applications and games since I noticed that the Nokia smartphones seem to come minus a anti-virus program. And I would so hate to find myself virused out on my phone seeing as I practically connect to the whole globe via my phone. I rarely use my bluetooth also because I find it unnerving to have strangers' phones try to pair up with mine. Perhaps I am just nervy heehehhe.

So there I was at 3am in the morning settling in for the night after a long interesting chat with a cousin I'd never met before from Sri Lanka who now resides in Melbourne and is currently here on a 6 month program at one of the universities here. This is another story in development I am sure :) ... nice kid he is ... 'sama kepala' like my siblings and myself.

So I checked out the Applications from Nokia site and tadaaaa I found fring. I have to say, it took me several attempts to get the free application downloaded and installed on my phone but it has opened up a whole new world for me. Suddenly all I need is my mobile and I am connected via fring to everything I am signed up on :) even Skype mind you heehhe. Check out their site to learn more about fring.

And connect with me if you have it :) .... it seems like we're moving into so much mobility ... it's all kinda exciting and new .... and if it's interesting you so know I'd be trying my hand at it :)

Pretty cute banners too don't ya think? So next time, take this piece of advice hehehehe .....

Flower Power ... Aug 29, 2009

2009-08-29T13:30:00.003+08:00

If you have a function that needs flowers or cakes then you have to connect with the Baking Tai Tai :)) .... she's a childhood buddy of my sister and her ideas for my sister's wedding was simply awesome.

She's just started a blog so here's hoping her picture gallery is up soon for more insight into how she just tells stories with her creations.

Check out Let's Be Marry!! for flowers and cakes that simply take your breath away ... I am sure you'll not regret letting AA have a go on your special occasion decor or cake :))

Going On 52 But Juveniles Still .... Aug 29, 2009

2009-08-29T12:19:00.002+08:00

I'm no politician - Thankfully!! but still many nights I cannot go to sleep with a conscience that is clear because I feel I could have done somethings better.

I really begin to wonder what their secret is - to be so evil and vile and hurt so many people with their little games calculated to incite anger and suspicion and repulsion towards each other.

We may be going into 52 years of independence from the British but if we decided to keep anything from the colonials is the 'Divide and Rule' policy. Keep everyone in their little separate cages and feed them what will invoke the right responses so that we can then say - See, our policies are the best the way they are, giving equality and freedom of expression creates chaos.

Then our politicians can sit back smile smugly and thank Pavlov for ringing bells to dogs conditioning then to react to certain bits of information - bell ringing=food. (read: Pavlovian Conditioning)

Well after you see this clip you will wonder what is becoming of this place you call home.

Errr where was the FRU and tear gas and water cannons? Where was the infamous PDRM?? Why aren't there arrests and ISA slapped on immediately. Will the kids seen the video be taken to task and their parents too???

Police say they cannot do anything because there is no report. Hahahahaahah am laughing my ass off here. Did the Makkal Sakti walks and the Hindraf boys have a chance?? Nooooooooo of course not here in Malaysia if you're backed by the government anything you do is A-ok!!

I am still sickened by this whole thing like I am sickened by the MACC role in Teoh's death and sickened with how the Mongolian blowup case went ... I am just thoroughly sickened by this country's corrupt greedy politicians.

And now anything I write might be deemed seditious because in the end, if the manage to cull the thoughts of thinking rational people, they can do whatever they want with the half-baked moron they use for such despicable acts.

Malaysia you might be 52 years independent and 46 years as a nation but you still have learnt nothing of respecting your people whose blood and sweat and love for this place we call home has helped build you up. Forget not the people who shared in your dream - today you are telling them dreams are bullshit, we hold the reigns of power, we will do as we please.

The rakyat is nothing but a rhetoric used to try and win elections - but alas the rakyat is also now thinking about who we should really want to be leading us.

Perhaps the Rakyat will finally speak up and change will come. I hope you have enough funds siphoned out and stashed to keep you going once you find Malaysia no longer wants you here!

I mourn for my country. And I am negative in my outlook - just take a clear headed view of what is happening everyday all around and you might be at least compelled to take your lazy butts down to the SPR to register as a voter and make a difference. PRU 13 - we must speak louder as a people of Malaysia. We must shake UMNO so bad that they crumble and fall and then only will Malaysia really and truly begin to be the Malaysia we all want to live in.

Register as a voter and make a difference - speak up for your right as a Malaysian.

Another Blogger's Journey Begins... Aug 27, 2009

2009-08-27T19:51:00.003+08:00

This week it would seem another blogger in the family is born :) ... you might ask how so ... well Ashna my elder girl whose blog I began and helped do the typing and story-telling for a few posts has been suddenly bitten by the blogging bug :))

She's began with 2 short posts about her music exams that were on the 26th. I've done some minor proof-reading and put in the punctuation marks and stuff. But it's an interesting effort.

Now what's interesting about this is that I am hoping that seeing her elder sister start to undertake ownership of her blog might spur Kasha the younger to improve on her spelling and try her hand at blogging too eventually. For now, she tells me her story and I put it down on the net :)

It's nice to see Ashna take an interest in this and for a 9 year old I guess it's as good a time as any - but then now I have to keep an eyes out on how she interacts on the net. Because better safe than sorry I guess is the motto here.

Anyways, if you see her posts updated, drop by she does get a little kick seeing visitors increase on her blog :) and don't forget she's just 9 ... here's to a journey of words and writing ... hope she enjoys it as much as I do.

I Had A Dream ... Aug 08, 2009

2009-08-08T20:49:00.003+08:00

I few weeks ago, I woke up sometime in the wee hours of the morning and lay starring at the ceiling of my room in the blue illumination from the aircon light. And turning to my right I found my younger girl curled up as close as she could get into my shoulder.

I sighed. I felt some hot tears on my cheeks and then I closed my eyes and tried to grab some precious sleep. But it did not come easy and I tossed and turned listening to the breathing of my child and the aircon and all sounds of that hour of silent day.

I'd had a dream. I was sitting at a table. At ease and comfortable. And across me sat a woman familiar to me. And we seemed to be chatting and laughing over children and their antics and how ours seemed so much like their father.

We conversation seemed to flow. And we both seemed to be waiting for the children to return. And then they did, my 2 girls and her son with their father. All seemed happy. All seemed at ease and amiable. It felt right, as I waved goodbye. The girls hugged him and we drove off chattering about the day that has passed.

The reason I'd woken up I suppose was because she was the 'now' wife, I was the 'then' wife and he was the father who'd taken all his children out for a day with daddy.

I lay staring at the ceiling wondering if ever there will come a day when perhaps this might happen.

I often wonder why Indian men who leave their wife and children can never seem to remain responsible fathers to their children. The moment they have another woman warming their loins, they forget that they once fathered children with the ex. And these children also need their father's love and attention.

Children need parents to give them an anchor in their lives. Parents who correct them, who spoil them but most importantly who love them for who they are and shaping them in who they will become.

Having grown up watching many Mother's and Father's Day movies where step-parents have also gone more than the extra mile for the love of their children. Divorced parents remain friends for their offsprings sake ... it used to move me tears growing up. I used to look at my own often times bickering parents and think why can't they be like these stories.

Hence when I got married, I imagined that happy family environment for my kids and hubby and me. Well we know that didn't work out exactly as I had envisioned.

One of my most fervent hopes at the onset of this epic separation journey was that Jacob would be a good father to his girls. Putting aside his differences with me, he'd love his daughters. Be a responsible father. That too has not come to pass. Instead he's not laid eyes or contacted his daughters since that faithful day in April.

And I asked myself later in the morning as I was driving why had I dreamt something that was totally impossible to happen. Although had he been a little more responsible, and long tied up the loose ends and let all move along with our lives, his son and woman he could have legalised as his wife not keep her hanging as his mistress (and keep me hanging as wife), I am open to keeping the ties open, to remain friends. So it didn't work out for us as man and wife, perhaps we could remain just friends who once had children together.

Am I am dreamer with no grasp whatsoever on reality? I think I am more than a realist as time goes by. But my dreams help me work harder to find the way forward. My dreams keeps my heart alive despite all the insanity that surrounds it. My dreams harbour hope for better tomorrows and good lives for my girls.

I suppose my subconscience wants Jacob and me to come to middle common ground. I want him to be responsible and be a father to his girls in what manner and way he might be able to show that with his limited time with them.

He cannot think that just because he has found himself another womb to host his seed to grow into children, I might as easily find a man who might be father to my girls. The reality of things is men are not as willing to take on the role of fathering another man's child as much as there are women more than willing be wombs to a already married man. The odds are against me from many aspects in find one such man with a big enough heart to want to love me and my girls as his own.

Plus I simply hate to think that in finding myself a man, I'd be burdening him with what is really Jacob's responsibility. If Jacob can be responsible towards their son, what stops him from being equally so with our daughters? Why all the divisions and segregation and difference in how one woman's child(ren) and my children are loved?

Like I said before why can't Indian men see the difference? That the children are not to be made the victims of their dispute with estranged wife. And why can't they have more guts and balls to make decisions for their children. How is it that someone else gets to count the pennies that your children should get? For that I totally hate Indian men. They are badly brought up by their mothers all of them. Spoilt, obnoxious and totally irresponsible in dealing with problems like adults.

I have to say chinamen in that sense even if they are all round bastards, but their children they look after. In most cases they ensure that for their children's education they make allowances. Indian men are first class bastards there and they also seem to lose their brains the moment they walk out of their wife and kids. Malay men well there are both kinds. No wonder you say Indian women have an attitude - we do. Our men teach us to have attitudes because without it, we will crumble and die and who then will look out for our children?

I come to conclude that perhaps the dream was merely my subconscience speaking to me at what I am able to accept moving forward once all things are settled because holding grudges is detrimental to my own. But the reality is Jacob is not man enough to stand up and be a father. Sad but true.

And so such dreams merely go to remind me that in this journey I haul ass as mom and dad and with the way the odds are, I will do this alone till my final breath.

Life ... the journey's made by us so then I choose to make it a good one despite the turbulence in the past, and the uncertain of the future ... it is here and now. We live it to the best of our principles and values.

Where Were The Outriders?? .... Aug 08, 2009

2009-08-08T16:31:00.004+08:00

You know this face? I am sure you have seen it some where. But I have to tell you something though .. this expression me thinks is standard packaging ... why you might ask??

Well on Friday (7th Aug) I was on the Sg. Besi TUDM stretch heading home to Seremban when I noticed this funky car with the plate DAW 1 - had to be someone really rich being single digits is what what crossed my mind. Then the fact that there was a Volvo S60 with the plate Kelantan DarulNaim immediately cutting behind it sparked my curiosity.

I was watching the car and how the driver was driving. Eventually I got up alongside of the car when I noted 2 passengers. The Volvo was a solo driver looking very tired and agitated with the crawling traffic. The driver of DAW 1 was on the mobile and from the side he hehehe looked Chinese to me and I was like hmmmm why'd a royal car be following this fellow ... so off we move along. He in the fast lane crawling, me in the middle lane crawling.

At one point I ended up somehow in front of this car and for a some 10mins in the crawl to the Sg. Besi toll I got to see who was the driver.

And I must add it was interesting to see Royalty with no outriders, or fanfare driving his hot Merc along with one other person - might I assume this was a bodyguard?? or perhaps a friend?? who seemed half asleep no protocols seemingly visible.

Eventually the Tengku Temenggong of Kelantan must have gotten fed up of seeing my Brake Faster Macha sticker haahahah and cut out to the middle lane and whizzed past the toll and I never saw the car again (but if you're behind the wheel of such a baby you'd fly too)

Having heard on the radio that there was a traffic halting accident down south near Seremban rest area, I decided to turn off through Kajang and head home. And then I made an interesting discovery of LEKAS highway - for RM4 bucks you go round to touch your nose and end up anyways in Mantin old road kah kah kah and with an e-tank on the petrol gauge you have to say it was an interesting twist in the dark.

But well next time you see the TToK driving his Merc DAW1 see if he's like any other person on the road stuck in the jam or is he with outriders screeching away ... but TToK nice colour and all but you really have to learn to not leave that jaw hanging like that coz 10mins you were behind me - and that was your standard expression.

Can't say nothing about your ongoing domestic drama but well at least you seemed almost human stuck like the rest of us common folk on a typical Friday crawl. For that you get me thumbs up. All the best in settling your case.

EEEKKSS She' Got A Blog .... Aug 04, 2009

2009-08-04T14:55:00.005+08:00

YES it had to happen.

She's all over the newspapers EVERY SINGLE DAY.

She's all over the news on telly EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS.

She's managed to get Old Man Lee to pay her a personal official visit ... and now she's gone where no Premier's wife has .... ***clashing of cymbals and all things clattery***

Now lo and behold the cyber world has finally fallen .... and what a scary sight to behold. I wonder how much they paid that artist to airbrush her face into something resembling a human and trying to make it look soft and caring when errrrr the unairbrushed give better perspective on that element of human emotions.

Anyways if you have the stomach for it (aside from the fact it's a sickening pink) .. please do venture to Plastic Face new address on the web .... and for all you know every click there might be paying for more facial enhancements (read botox) .... eventually they might actually get the look they're so trying to achieve.

But till then that 'helmet do' is soooooooooo not appealing - fire the hairdresser get someone new in please ... because the air-spray used is causing a big hole in our ozone layer that the haze is covering at the moment.

Only for the brave ..... if you dare

Interesting Stupidity Awards ... Hehehe ... Aug 03,2009

2009-08-03T09:44:00.002+08:00

We're all reading the aftermath of the August 1, 2009 Anti ISA march which our lovely Malaysian government decided to thwart from even before anything happened - if you were caught in the Friday crawls thanks to the stupid roadblocks put up by the boys in blue you will know what I mean. I spent 2 bloody hours crawling from Kelana Jaya LDP towards the Sprint to get to a friend's dinner party which in the end I gave up and headed for home in Seremban.

I had friends at that walk. And I can tell you I so wanted to be there too and perhaps I should have been because I thoroughly oppose the blatant misuse of this law by our politicians. Especially when it is bloody obvious that it only serves their purpose of culling any voice opposing their governance of this country.

Any rally or march or peace walk that is NOT organised by UMNO is immediately labelled ILLEGAL (have you heard how many times that word is stressed in our local news coverage - they are forced to otherwise licence revoked by Home Ministry la who incidentally was the hero who gave the order for the Police to arrest 'protesters' - which of course the IGP did with such glee!!!)

Here are some links to the news are the rest of the world saw it
1. Suara Keadilan
2. News.com.au
3. BBC - check the video out

This is what the world sees and what the world will equate this to is what they have seen in recent weeks in Iran - note we have not condemned Iran for what they have done to their protesters. Why you might ask ... well after seeing this display by the authorities - I guess it answers your questions.

They arrested children and kept them in remand - sorta like what the Palestinians are facing is it not?? But oh because Palestinians are such a pleasing to the eyes lot our government makes token 'bising bising' and then doing this here - if you are not pro government, then you are public enemy numero uno!

Children are the next generation and fining (20k) and jailing (10yrs) their parents for speaking out against what is wrong is not the way to nation building. People must be allowed to speak their minds - given a platform to do so without fear of unfair 'justice' being meted out to them.

What we saw on Saturday was total bias. Any pea brained would know that. Because I am sure the Pro ISA dudes (all UMNO backed!!) were MOST CERTAINLY LEGAL in their march to the palace to hand over their memorandum to the King. Go tell it to the Sepilok orang utans ok ... I am sure even they are laughing their naked butts off.

Ironically coalition members from Gerakan who tried to handover their Anti ISA memorandum were **ahem ahem* not following palace protocol and were unsuccessful. Can I tergolek laugh my arse off here please?? Dudes why la you no go as Pro ISA sure all kautim easy one. Too bad la your attempt tak jadi, I feel for you but your racial mix is the wrong one la sure kena reject!

My ISA badge for really stupid Malaysians I hand over to that comb over King who is fighting his tamil movie gangster style to hang on to his fast receding hairline and popularity - our now outlawed Hindraf brothers awakened the eyes of many Tamils who were blinded by our wannabe Rajinikanth and his son who are now feeling hot under their seats as the fires are fanned - where is the hard earned money people pumped into your MAIKA shares that's like toilet paper now???

But old Sam just can't keep his mouth shut - he had to come out with what he thinks is sooooooo earth shattering discovery - street demos keep investors away. Aiyo-yo-yo Samy potham man potham ... time for you to just retire and go back to Sg Siput and keep quiet - I hear the water there does wonders for your hair **kah kah kah kah** but before that liquidate your assets and pay back those people who invested in your toilet paper shares - am sure you won't miss too much. As in all Tamil movies, the kallan always either turns over a new leaf or dies at the hand of justice,... in this case I doubt you want to end up under ISA in your final days now do you along with Vel?

To be honest, I am sickened by what I hear see and read. This is not the Malaysia I want to raise my children in and if I hear any one of you small minded morons tell me to pack and leave, I say to you YOU PACK UP AND LEAVE!!! 4 generations born and raised in this soil - this is my tanah tumpahnya darahku. If you cannot fathom sharing this land, go back to where you came from first ... I am sure Indonesia will welcome you with open arms haahahhahahah before they make you maids and servants that is **evil cackle** just to show you what it feels like.

Malaysia oh Malaysia it seems your reckoning hour is at hand. Will the Malaysia we dream about never materialise and will those dreams be tear gassed and frightened out of us. My hope is that Malaysians will never stop chasing the dream that burns in our hearts. I dunno about the rest of you, but I believe all of us should stand equal, not allow scared frightened politicians to divide us by race religion and colour.

And may you Malaysian never ever have to learn what Detention Without Trial means because those who have walked that path know only too well the hell you go through. I SAY NO TO ISA! The choice is yours and yours alone.

If you have access - these pictures will speak for themselves just look at that smug look of the FRU fellow - big justice serving as he shoots tear gas into the innocent public.

Things That Make Me Sleepless ... July 30, 2009

2009-07-30T08:57:00.004+08:00

Ok if you been following the Teoh Beng Hock case, something you read in the papers today is going to make you suddenly suspicious where this is all leading to ... but please to read this and tell me what you think.

The findings of another unknown male's DNA on his blazer and belt - alarm bells alarm bells ... at least I am glad they did not find it in his nether regions or undergarments because all of a sudden this problem free guy might find himself in death being framed by the DNA finding - I wonder if our so sharp investigators are going to be able to identify who this unknown male is - but again I remain skeptical, afterall in this country anything boleh become fact even if everyone else knows it's a mythical creation of evidence. So we now have to wait with bated breathe for the scene to unfold. But why are the alarm bells ringing so loudly in my head??? I am sure if you had half a brain you'd know why too.

This next piece of news makes me want to demand till my last breath all this bloody gangster glorifying shit ass movies especially from Tamil genre be banned banned banned. Didn't anyone realise something was amiss??? Now one more dead lawyer (not that I particularly like lawyers ok seeing how most of them are blood sucking leeches - but that's another story for another day) and if you look at the sequence of things, I'd say I'd have raised a concern that my life was in danger. Cheh wah cheh wah ... go up to a temple force someone to consume something that killed him with renal failure. Dei this not Tamil movie la enough of this nonsense!!! (**pliss to use your best Tamil movie English accent wokai**)

THIS has to take the cake la ... first kris waving, now order police to take action against people voicing out what they feel is a totally inhumane law. Only in Malaysia oh wait are we going the way of 'democratic' Iran??? Mr. Minister aren't people in a democracy allowed to voice out their thoughts? or is the Malaysian Democracy one that keeps only certain people safe and happy. Now I am really getting to insomniac state - what with all these worries on how this country is governed and where we are heading to. **sigh** Obviously the boys in blue are merely the puppets - when told they do. Theirs is not to question why.

Some of you might have read my Facebook updates yesterday about my morning trauma on the way to work yesterday. I almost had the unfortunate luck of running over a man who was knocked down by someone else on the ELITE highway. Now the interesting thing was that 5 minutes before I came upon this scary moment of my driving life, my usual 'nemesis' on the road a certain Satria Neo - this female has got to be one of those drivers that really just want to step up to and slap some sense into her thick head - driving at 160km/hr and eyes on your mobile texting is just not happening la!!!

And yesterday morning I was driving a different car so she might not have realised it was me without Charles whose butt she has to 'cucuk' aka tailgate like a maniac. As she passed me by and I noted her usual style of eyes NOT on the road I thought 'You are so going to pay one of these days' ... now as fate would play it - in 5 mins there she was ahead of me obviously part of the accident that I almost came to be a part of had I not been able to avoid running over the man laying on the road.

Thankfully God's hand was with me at that very moment and I sailed past the car on my right, the debris on the road and the man to my left barely missing him, before I noticed her and all I could do was be fucking mad at her because she so deserved it. I noted her bumper was pretty damaged. I called emergency assistance immediately. I dunno what she did next, personally I don't care. I had a pregnant passenger on board and that was my main concern not killing the man and not killing my passenger.

I called up later to check and was told that it was not a fatal accident - PHEW means the man was alive when I passed him - which then means had I lost my cool and panicked I would have been the one that killed him - and I would not have been the one who had caused him to be laying there on the road. It was one of the scariest moments of my 7 years of driving. Probably not my last, seeing as Malaysians love to dice with death, and I have to be extra extra extra vigilant to ensure me and my passengers never end up in an accident.

Did not see her this morning - for obvious reasons, but then this morning there was another female in a MyVi and I thought girl you better be careful. And then I asked God to keep us all safe because lately, I have realised people who have hurt me unforgivably by their actions and I have been angry enough to curse them have had tragedy befall them .... all within a spate of 8 weeks ... it didn't occur to me at the time. But when I was thinking about it and I was relating the incidents randomly to friends, they all said .ani you're not one to cross now, it seems your thoughts are powerful.

Hahahahahahah I had to laugh. Because had my thoughts really been so effective in getting the desired results I can see one issue having been resolved a long time ago. But then again, I know every time I have come close to cursing this person, I have stopped myself because at the end of the day, this person's life is entwined in some form to mine. Damn my conscience!!!

Having said that though, if I have dreamt of someone 3x in a row, I have to warn you - usually something really bad happens to them or worse they die. If you hurt me so much I cannot ever forgive you and you cease to exist in my life, trust me, you will feel the pain you caused me in some form or manner. Perhaps then sometimes I have to consciously remind myself that people are the way they are for reasons only known to themselves and I should not obliterate them from my mind, because then well they seem to have some misfortune befall them. This makes me sleepless because I have to question why this has happened, and what forces are in play and where will this lead me to.

The mind is a very powerful both friend and foe. I am learning to use my thoughts for my own self growth without detriment to others. Now that I have acknowledged that sometimes my mind sees far ahead whilst I choose to ignore it's warnings and signs of what is to come.

Now if only I could use my mind to control certain elements to all align themselves into my favour - be great dontcha think??? But alas for now, I can only smell danger before I see, which has me put myself into anti-crash mode gear ... and navigate and come out unscathed as possible. Perhaps a little more practice and I might start to realign my misaligned stars **eheheheheh**

Off I go .... catch ya dolls later - and perhaps I am just delusional haahahha perhaps ......

Sarah Palin Farewell Speech by William Shatner

2009-07-29T10:11:00.003+08:00

Anyways if you can't see the video here's the link: Palin Farewell

I guess this one needs no commentary although I must say I am bemused that this was a candidate for the Republican Vice Presidency ... she seemed alright at the start and then all the way downhill from there - but good show girl, all the best in whatever you next you do.

I thought 'Capt. Kirk' did an interesting angle on Palin's speech ... what do you say?

RIP Yasmin Ahmad ... July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T15:49:00.002+08:00

By now if you're Malaysian you would know the amazing spirit behind those wonderful displays of the Malaysia most of us desire in the Petronas adverts we've grown so used to has untimely passed away.

I for one admit that I've not watched a single one of her movies - probably because I just haven't really had the time nor have I really watch Malay movies from the 80s onwards - seems to me Malay movies lost their appeal.

However I did read the reviews of some of Yasmin's works and kept thinking I want to watch them uncensored by the morality clowns we have in this country where everything is a defamation to Islam even if they have no clue what they are blindly chopping out just to keep certain quarters feeling more holier than thou.

I was reading about Yasmin and stumbled upon her blog(s) and I think it is worth sharing although she will write again for us to read and follow and applaud, she has left a mark in all our hearts even if we never knew her personally, we knew her work. She made her 90second commercials work at making us reflect, think and also jab us into acknowledging what is missing in the Malaysia we live in today.

Perhaps you might find her writings interesting - I know I have ... on The Storyteller and The Storyteller Part 2.

Yasmin, I hope you continue to inspire Malaysians to erase what makes them different but embrace what makes us one, we've a long journey for that. Too many hurts to heal, too much water under the bridge and politicians who are better off keeping us all separated and suspicious of each other.

You made a difference when irregardless of who we were, your 'small films' made us respond and moved us. May you rest in peace Yasmin Ahmad. And may Malaysians find ourselves someday - then truly the work you began would have come a full circle.

Catch The Telur Rangers ... July 28, 2009

2009-07-28T11:14:00.002+08:00

Hey there all. If you have missed the news about these 3 spunky girls on a mission catch up with their adventure on their blog The Telur Rangers.

It's all about saving turtles .. by saying NO TO TURTLE EGGS ... give our shelled flippered friends a shot at overcoming extinction.

There's an itinerary about where these girls are going to be at as they traverse Malaysia collecting your signatures as you pledge to leave them turtle eggs alone and let them hatch and face mother nature not end up in your gut and passed on to Indah Water to waste manage.

If you remember watching Finding Nemo - remember the turtle dude was a 150 years old ... let's at least contribute to seeing them 150 hours old then ... before their great journey fraught with challenges of the sea.

Say no to turtle eggs please. Say no also to all the other ridiculous aphrodisiac type reasons we give for killing animals mindlessly - just remember if your sex life is down - nothing is going to help you but your own self - leave the musk deer with it's balls so he too can frolic and make more babies, the rhino his horn, the tiger his gall - trust me you won't get braver just be a part of the mindless murders of such beautiful creations.

Save our world, make changes to how you view the creation. Nothing is less important, all are equals!

Sporadic Musings ... July 24, 2009

2009-07-28T09:52:00.003+08:00

It has been one of those weeks where I’ve had my drive to and from alone because I am at my client’s place. Such instances of solitude often give me the time to reflect. Anybody who knows me knows I think too much.

I have a tendency of taking little bits of conversations and actions and mulling over it. Rolling it over my mind. The exchanges, the body language and the immediate outcome as well as the after effects of such instances in my life.

And in the recent few weeks I have come to observe another interesting trait about people. And come to also realise that the inherent nature of people will eventually be exposed no matter how matter self help and improvement books they read or courses they attend in the hope of acquiring some new more public persona.
This is because inherent nature is in your genes. You’ve worked very hard all your life to try and quell these displays because you want people to perceive you in a certain way. I’ve through my many interactions through the years and in my ever learning and absorbing state, have seen all kinds. Been often too at the receiving end of these people because as silly as it sounds, I have a pretty gullible soul – yes yes I admit it. I am gullible in believing that inside each of us there is a goodness we just need to look hard enough to find it in the next person.

Time and again, I’ve been greatly disappointed, when someone I have given access to my life and me as a person has proved to be a bad move. I carry a heart that has been broken so many times that there are times now I think I might not survive another disappointment but then again I am built to be a survivor. No matter what happens, I try to see a lesson in it and learn from and avoid such repeats in the next encounter.

Let me give you an example. If I was to have something, information that might assist someone, the only working phone or pc, the only one with a car to move people with, I wouldn’t hesitate to say come let me help you out here. I do it without considering that I might have to drive 40km out of my way just to help this person out. I just do it, because I feel if I am in a capacity to help.

But I note that for some the potential of someone asking them for a favour or assistance is preempted by a ready excuse of prior commitments. Or if they are forced into having to offer say a ride to someplace, they will first make known how bad the traffic is where you're heading. Some people are rather thick-skinned though such hints they ignore. I on the other hand if I get a vibe like that immediately will refuse the 'offer' because I hate feeling indebted especially when it's not entirely sincere.

Small things really give you insight into people. Being far from perfect myself, I realised the other day that many of the people I come in contact with on a daily basis are amazing actors. They have learned their lines and expressions and interaction skills from self help books and mind over matter type gurus. They do pretty damn well in life - which is GREAT, I don't deny. Others find themselves saying or referring to so-and-so who is just soooooooooooo perfect in everything. Even I am sometimes taken in by these amazing displays.

And then you sit down one day and have a leisurely chat or in a given situation watch these persons a little more closely. Their expressions, their automatic reactions, their thoughts and then you see the true self behind the facade and you are dumbstruck. I know I am usually dumb-struck.

Humans are an amazing creation. And in that amazing creation we have what I would call the inherent nature of a person. Which is like the genes that make you up, the blood that flows in your veins. That is probably why I try really hard to no longer buy into the image people sell to me of themselves. I try to take them as they come and expect nothing to be what it seems.

Some of you might think this is a rather negative way to live life. But if you have lived my life in my shoes and experienced the number of 'fools gold' type souls I have encountered you might begin to understand my approach.

Knowing that I myself am less than perfect or good, I can accept now these little white lies people perpetuate of themselves in this thing we call living because we all always do what we must to survive. If you try to be the real you, people may hate you, people may use you ... depends on which end of the reality scale you fall in.

At the moment, I am learning to just be me as I am. I take precautions to avoid being used and hurt, I avoid expecting anything from the 'good souls', I avoid disliking the 'less than human souls' because I suppose everyone has a story behind who they are today.

But if you are inherently good or inherently have the tendency to hurt or be selfish - eventually life has a way of displaying your true self when you least expect it. And I recently have had the interesting experience of seeing someone in 'naked truth' ... none of their practiced perfection could save them when their inherent nature reared it's head.

I had to come away laughing ... and I thought to myself thankfully I can live with my flaws, I wonder if this person can live with theirs to put so much effort into personality projection.

Anyhows I hope you're having a good week, I am off now to look into other jumbled thoughts and sporadic musings.

Be well all, we live in dangerous times!

Music From A Tree ... hmmmm July 20, 2009

2009-07-20T13:12:00.004+08:00

I was stumbling :)) and guess what I found ... this piece :) am sure you will find it as interesting as I did ...

Diego Stocco - Music From A Tree from Diego Stocco on Vimeo.

If you can't see the video then here's the link - pretty creative and a lot of effort me thinks but damn sure entertaining :)) - Music From A Tree. And from what I saw, this chap Diego Stocco is damn creative ... but I won't let on too much ... why don't you check out his other stuff :)

Tell me what you think.

Malaysia Continues To Scare Me ... July 17, 2009

2009-07-17T14:36:00.002+08:00

Dali a friend of mine, pointed out the other scary news which greeted me this morning when I wrote the earlier posting.

The second piece of news was that over some rivalry a man beheaded the 5 year old son of his enemy and left the head in a bucket for the parents to find and then ran off with his wife and daughter - WTF is happening in this country. Little boy beheaded in family feud.

What in heavens name did that child do to deserve to die. When do human beings cease to be humans and become worse than animals.

What's even scarier is the fact that our DPM in a most recent update in TheStar Online says this .. and I must say the headline caption makes you want to spite blood ... Cops to probe MACC over Teoh's dead if needed: DPM. Errr Mr. DPM, what do you mean if needed. Don't you think that would be the obvious call of duty??? ... but this is Malaysia - I guess not.

From how justice works in this country - I can also imagine that the person last with Teoh (if we ever find him) will in all eventuality be also a paper-bagged face we will never recognise in the light of day *am sure you follow me here*

Some time back we had students suddenly falling out of hostels and found dead, then we had a uni drop out renting at the uni hostel ( errr how is this possible) found to have bled to death after delivering baby who also died incidentally. Where was the father or rather who is the father - remain a mystery we won't know answers to I am sure.

National Service was introduced to eradicate racial and social barriers and create partriotic youths - the future of this nation. We all also know how that has been going. Unexplained deaths, rape by facilitators, bullying and fights, food poisoning. Makes me scared to think either of my daughters might be actually called up for service. In 3 short months, I could be bringing home a traumatised child or worse a corpse it seems from all the things you read in the news.

Attending a talk on City Safety for Women and listening to the resource persons true life statistics on abductions, rapes and murders in this country - being a woman is tragedy you are cursed with from the day you were born because nothing escapes this perverts. They are your fathers your grandfathers your uncles your brothers your step-fathers, your mother's boyfriends, your army and police man, your ex/male colleague whom you snubbed, your ex/boyfriend or spouse who hasn't gotten over the fact you don't want to be with them anymore - actually wait it's any man you know out there is a potential danger to you the woman, girl or female baby.

The modes operandi of these psychopaths is even more chilling when you think about it. And we are all at risk.

We live in a perceived and choking morality where unwanted pregnancies are a cause for great trauma. No one helps but everyone condemns. So what do we end up with??? Scared unwed mothers drowning their newborns in toilets, old buckets, left to die in dustbins the list goes on.

Take for instance a couple I know. He a result of mixed marriage is Muslim by the fact his mother is Malay. She is a girl from abroad, non-Muslim. Love transcends all obstacles. They planned to marry. But whilst in the process of conversion, forms to be filled, bureaucracy found out she was expecting their child.

Child is born - because father is Muslim, mother is now a convert, their 'nikah' certificate date is short of the number of months by which this child would be legitimate - this child is now ILLEGITIMATE despite his parents now being married and wanting to provide responsibly towards the child with opportunities. But our perceived morality and religious bigots choose to stigmatize this child with the label illegitimate - the birth cert carries only his mother's name and the father's details are blank!

Is there a sense in all of this? Does religion one is born into get the better of being human and kind and caring towards the future of this child?

It makes you wonder why so many children are running around without their birth certificates - who'd want one when one can't put their father's name on it.

Such things makes my blood boil. The victims usually continue to be victimised and the perpetrators continue to do what they do best ... which is scare the living daylights of anyone with half a brain and some sense of humanity in them.

And in Malaysia, somehow everything is forgotten the moment so flippant type gossip appears in the media ... the stark realities go on status quo business as usual.

Where are we heading to ... crikey! I just had a cold shiver run down my back!!

Can we taking a cue from the late King of Pop ... "Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race, there are people dying and if you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me"

Malaysia Scares Me ... July 17, 2009

2009-07-17T10:16:00.002+08:00

And why wouldn't Malaysia scare me .... have you read the news lately?? I completely missed the latest until late last night looking at FB updates about someone dying in MACC custody. So on my mobile I went information surfing last night while preping for a night's sleep.

And then I went WTF!!!! Yikes!!!

Doesn't the MACC investigate corruption cases although really they ONLY ever investigate alleged Opposition leaders misuse of public funds. The fact that BN's blatant corrupted conniving criminals with feigned innocense and incensing insolence when questioned is NEVER investigated is a separate matter - but this is afterall the so called 1Malaysia Najib keeps talking about - the only 1 I see here is that BN especially UMNO will never be called up to justice. There rest of Malaysia to hell with us. We're merely a means to their over the top ends.

And we can already see the 'cover up' in progress. Teoh Beng Hock's death is now classified as sudden death - hell ya it's sudden! The boy was going to get registered today. As the rest are arguable asking - how in heavens name did someone in custody for interrogation get to the rooftop and then jump off an adjacent building to his untimely unexplained death.

But Nazri as usual in his foot in mouth manner comes out and kills all speculation of how this death happened and says it was suicide. Dude!!! What did MACC do to this boy he committed suicide???? Did you buggers 'sodomise' him and threaten 'exposure'???

And let me guess somehow miraculously the government certainly most credible autopsy report is going to find either **clears throat here* ... you guessed it either "fluid in the lungs" or lo and behold the newest autopsy finding in Malaysia's government pathologists "bacterial infection in the inner most layer of the tiniest part of the small intestine" ... man what I am doing slaving in IT ... I could do this type of reports with my eyes closed and be the toast of the Malaysian version of justice served!

Oh wait now ... perhaps the late Teoh needed to get up to that part of the building so that gravity might have somehow made the fluid in his lungs expel, or perhaps the bacterial infection reacts to itself at higher altitude ... I mean really ... the boys in blue have long entertained us with their mind boggling autopsy reports and how everything is a sudden death.

Now the so called revamped BPR/ACA who seem to be nothing but the new version isn't any more transparent then the MACC makeup Rosmah uses to cake in her face daily .... (yes yes I know my dislike for the woman is obvious). MACC has definitely lost any minute credibility it had (if you believed they had any to begin with!). A suicide while it's custody - good grief!!!

Are the Malaysian people, the you and me soooooooooo gullible to the bedtime stories Najib and his goons are throwing at us? I mean they took us on a merry mystery ride on the Mongolian C4 and we all 'know' how justice is being served in that circumstance.

Whilst it may be wrong to speculate how Teoh might have met his untimely death. But come on can it be helped????? Everyone wants to know what will be the earth-shattering finding this time. And I am sure bookies are taking in the bets now - and I am sure it won't be something that you and me didn't already think would be the finding.

My sincere condolences to the family and fiance of Teoh Beng Hock, and may justice be served when it matters.

Otherwise Malaysia truly scares the living daylights outta me. It would seem to me you have to make your choices carefully, if you want to survive in Malaysia ... otherwise make sure there's no fluid in your lungs or happy bacteria in your gut!!

Flip Flop Here We Go Again ... Jul 10, 2009

2009-07-10T09:37:00.002+08:00

I almost find the government of MALAYsia and their nefarious sense of flip flopping on policies and especially so when it comes to Education policies sickening.

If you haven't heard the news then please come out from under your shell. We are yet again changing midstream the course of the dissemination of knowledge of Science and Math in English to Malay. The fact that my generation of school goers did learn our Bio, Chem and Physics and Math electives in Malay does not mean we excelled in it we just reverted to textbooks and reading material in ENGLISH to graps the fundamentals. Having said that I used English books for History and Geography too ahahah made it so much more interesting than grappling with the 'malay-nised' English terms which sounded out of this world ... like the first time I learnt tetikus was the Malay word for the mouse we use with our PCs eheheheh it was like errrrr ok ...

Anwar Ibrahim once Education Minister, now deposed DPM ... Opposition PM wannabe introduced words we never heard before, our teachers equally had no idea what they were either and this was in MALAY ...

Dr. M who mooted the idea is not impressed. Pak Lah who is likely one of the most forgetable of PMs says Way to go (secretly me thinks he don't understand English la that's why) ... Parents are screaming keep the English, lazy teachers are now rejoicing, more kursus to attend no need to teach classes ahahaha who gets burnt in the end? Our Children ... in the global challenges, our kids are regressing instead of progressing.

It seems that every Education Minister tries very hard to introduce really strange ideas into mainstream mass education policies in hope of I have come to believe creating a generation of non-thinkers they bank on will someday vote them into power.

So here we go again. In time for the Manik Urai by-election, government comes up with revert Maths and Science to Malay, and emphasise on the strengthening of English. Hmmmm right. results showed even rural school children were scoring better. The problem lay in the Malay educated lot of teachers who can't string a decent English sentence together who were struggling to cope with the knowledge transfer. The kids however have the Internet and other sources of information which was coming to them in English to perform better.

The government gleefully says they will be saving 40million per annum in special allowances for these teachers who have been sent to upskill them in English to teach these subjects. And in the same breath they say they have to spend 5 billion to retrain all these teachers to now teach the subject in Malay.

Errrrrrrr is it just me or does anyone realise the number of zeros behind both figures quoted? And how much do you think has already been spent on giving the Math and Science teachers English skills?

Aiya ... in the end ... out one pocket into someone else la ... pusing pusing someone gets the last laugh. Scores of children get lost in the education system because we will ALWAYS have half-baked ill prepared teachers. If teachers themselves cannot challenge themselves to overcome their phobia of teaching in English, and now we will have those saying they can't teach in Malay.

I wonder how then will students in our flip flopping education policies ever be prepared to take on the world when they cannot seem to have confidence instilled in them from their educators. Perhaps we will always be lagging behind. The ones with the finances will send their kids elsewhere to study and be challenged and empowered to keep open minds in the pursuit of learning.

There is only one conclusion I can come to, the education system in Malaysia teaches us to find excuses why we cannot go forward not educate us to be bold and go forward with a sense of adventure of the whole learning process.

So then I also suppose, parents will have to now find ways (am sure there are already even more tuition opportunities opening up) to keep their struggling children abreast with the flip floppers decisions.

Truly another Malaysia Boleh apa apa bila bila masa (Malaysia Can Anyhow Anytime) decision that leaves a very bitter taste in the mouth of millions of parents as they try to see what the future holds for their children.

Weekend joy no less in Malaysia ...

The Weeks Passed ... July 04, 2009

2009-07-04T14:55:00.003+08:00

Hi there again (if anyone is a regular here) ... It's been a while since I wrote anything here - been busy and internet-less where I have been or else I'd have tapped away and 10mins later posted whatever that's taken my fancy for the day .

Let's see now ... quite a bit has happened.

Maids Getting A Day Off: Now as usual the government in their typical knee-jerk reaction to bad publicity comes up with some big time 'solutions' to the problem and in result giving opportunity for more problems to emerge. I suppose they have a plan to compensate all employers who have their houses robbed, or maids who get pregnant on their days off and also for the one where the maid disappears outta blue ... whatever it is the Government has to do something to combat the extremely poor publicity it's getting in the Republic of Indonesia ... especially with the allegations of brutish royalty on one of their beauties. Another senseless drama we have on-going. I mean most people who have maids have more stress than those without maids - and most are at the hostage scenario of their maids. The few nasty monsters now have created more headaches for the rest of us who are already burdened with maids who know since both employers have to work, without them, these employers are then stuck unable to find full time minders for their sick parents or young children. SIGH! my maid is on perpetual holiday it's not funny that I have to pay her to grow fat and lazy. But that's the price I have to pay for having aging parents one who is semi mobile only and two young kids. And being a single parent, I can't even stop working to look after them - so I remain a hostage to these government big ideas and the maid with the upper hand .. and you wonder why I am hypertensive.

.ani Goes To The Doctor ... Finally: It had to be done in the end. These morning waking up feeling like a 10 tonne lorry was on my head and driving with that splitting headache. The unbearable exhaustion and feeling ill out of the blue. The blood pressure readings started going wacko once I started taking random readings. The scary part here was that the diastolic readings were just really not reassuring.

Then as luck would have it, suddenly work got more intense. And I had to drive into KL in the mornings and that is as you can imagine one of the worst possible things to do work days ... after the Sg. Besi toll it's a nightmare all the way to the center of town. So Friday I went to see the doctor. Had a long lecture on weight management ( I knew that already was a problem! ) ... got some medication to start trying to control my blood pressure. Done with the blood tests waiting for the results.

My conclusion is that with the years of pushing myself to the brink to survive all that life has thrown at me, I've really neglected my own health - always just trying to keep borderline healthy - I think last year was quite an eye opener to my many health shortcomings. And then with the work place shitty turn of events it's all come to pass ... like an avalanche it's piling up on me. And I had to face up to the fact that well life's too short and I have to be around a long time more for the girls. So medication and weight watching - that's a way to start I guess.

The Passing of MJ and FF: Now this was a total shock. I mean icons from my childhood ... gone in a blink. In Farah Fawcett's instance I think you were more prepared but Michael Jackson's was like OHMIGOD!!!! I mean the fellow has been having such a bad time this July was going to be his one last shot at capturing the past glories but well I guess sometimes life comes and takes you away just when you think you can get to where you want to be ... (another reason why I've decided to get my life in order).

Lee Kuan Yew Meets 'Rose': The first time a Malaysian PM's wife get a separate visit ... and we have to see her face every single day in the papers it makes me puke. And now BN new meaning is Bini Najib .. ahahah do we even have to ask why??? Me thinks the PM is really the first lady and the self proclaimed first lady is REALLY the PM ... what do you think?? And as for that 1 Malaysia hype - the only thing that brings all Malaysians together is our united disgust and hatred for that female called Rose ... damn why didn't the Titanic take her down as well.

Michael Owen is ManUnited's New Boy: Am quite sure that this free transfer is going to have the Kopite's whinging blue black again and vomitting bile on Fergie. Although I think let the boy have his chance at playing footie. Am looking forward to see how he does with this side of the Red then ... and I think he's cuter than that metrosexual diva we just sold to Real Madrid. Not that my footie depends solely on the cute factor of the players eheheheh but I no doubts can hear the Kop fans starting up their whiny rhetoric soon enough. Am looking forward to a good kick off come EPL season when ManU host Birmingham ... July 19th.

Am off to move my car now. Ashna wants to cycle, Kasha is whinging abouts and I need to sweat a bit ... later later ... have a good weekend and we'll see where we head to with all this in the coming weeks :))

A Joke Too Far ... June 20, 2009

2009-06-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

You know how everyone likes a prank or two especially when you think it's going to be really funny ... well watch this one and tell me if you thought that was funny ...

Spider .... Think about when and where you do something prank like next time ...

Everyone Needs An Angel .... June 20, 2009

2009-06-20T20:19:00.004+08:00

Hey I was YouTube surfing and chanced upon this one ... it's approx 14mins ... nice one though ... altho the subtitles are a bit crappy (dialogue is in German) ... but it's a nice feel good clip.

Everyone needs an angel and they come in all packages :))

Enjoy ...

Tanghi Argentini - Nominated for the 2008 Academy Award for Best Live Action Short.

Rape Blame Game ... Jun 03, 2009

2009-06-03T14:41:00.002+08:00

Refer Indian Male Libido Going Haywire and the consequent comments.

This argument inevitably rears its ugly head whenever the topic of rape is raised.

And inevitably, the blame game beings and women are saddled with the blame for their provocative dressing that then led to their rape - hence it surely is the woman's fault.

Then rightly so we ladies will point out that children (unless being in a diaper is considered provocative), grandmothers (this is taking the MILF fascination a bit too far perhaps) and that Muslim countries with burkha clad women also record unbelievable numbers of rape cases.

And all will point and say - woman she is the catalyst to her own terror.

So the boys that are raped by the sick people of the world and yes this is also a growing statistic - can we now then say these boys were provocatively dressed thus calling upon themselves untoward attention leading to rape?

Rape is not confined to girls, it is happening to boys as well.

The pertinent point then is what is the source of all this sexual aggression towards someone who is weaker? Perhaps in addressing that issue, this heinous crime may also be addressed.

I find it is our own contribution by making the subject of sex and sexuality taboo, hence the education of sexuality and sex is unclear. this giving opportunity of interpretation rightly or wrongly so.

It seems we rather skirt around the issues of sexuality and sex education ... educating both men and women on their personal space, their sexuality, and their right to keeping their bodies and themselves away from harm.

I have myself often heard from the mouths of men I held in some level of regard when dealing with a opinionated woman such horrid things like this line which immediately drops them from grace in my eyes. How can you ever condone someone who finds himself out done by a woman's smarts to say that 'she should be gang raped to teach her a lesson'

WTF kinda reasoning or logic is that? You cannot beat her at the game use your dick and so called collective male strength to then break her??? I feel so disgusted by such comments I usually cease my association with that person, unless unavoidable and then I stick to civil courtesies. I feel also compelled to call and raise and alarm bell that we have a potential rapist on the loose.

If he has said it, it means he has THOUGHT about it. The next step is merely a thin line between being human being with logic and rational or one without who can cross that thin line with whatever is deemed right of action for this person.

Perhaps there is no real explanation why people rape. Studies make hypothesises but has that stopped any of this crimes? NO only it rises with each passing moment. The statistics are scary. My hometown Seremban apparently records the highest rape almost on a daily basis - SHITS!!! I live there and I have daughters - how safe are we then?????

Even bloody Erectile Dysfunction sufferers have been known to sodomise their victims - this is also a form of rape ... so what if he used a cucumber or brinjal instead of his penis - someone was still violated most violently!!!!!

There is absolutely nothing to be reaped from hurling blame from one person to the other and especially not on the victim however much 'she had it coming to her' - another WTF type statement in my books - who in their right minds has it coming to be raped???

My take on this - stop with all the fucking blame game and get down to addressing the issue itself without gender, historical bias. Until our children boys and girls, sisters, mothers, wives, aunts, grandmothers girlfriends are safe, there is no use blaming anyone. Support the victim through this harrowing experience (trust me it never leaves you!!!) and get to the crux of the problem.

Apologies, but it sickens me all this blaming here there and no concrete actions taken to help the victims or to address rapists. Why must the victim continue to be victimised - haven't they been hurt enough???

Looking Back With No Regrets .. Jun 03, 2009

2009-06-03T09:41:00.004+08:00

The Link if you can't see this

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” --Dr. Leo Buscaglia

This was a Merdeka advertisement by Petronas some years ago. I think when you watch this a few times, you will understand better the message.

And this is really what is missing in Malaysia today, when Malaysians see each other as Malaysians and not by what differentiates us but what makes us all really the same.

If you notice, you get to see Jay Menon too if I am not mistaken as the young Letchumi.

Last night Riddzy shared with me an advert from Petronas on YouTube which sent me on a little walk down festive Petronas adverts and I have to say they still make the best adverts ever. I was crying buckets by the time I went to bed - my typical reaction every time I watch a Petronas advert. Remember the one that created such a furore some years back the Indian boy with his father off to the Declaration of Merdeka? I thought what idiots to those who made all that noise.

That ad till this day gets me all choked up and teary because even though I was not born then, listening to those who were then young adults and children - the atmosphere was just so super charged and it transcended all down to all races. There was not one person who didn't feel totally MALAYSIAN that morning.

How many of us feel the same today I wonder... Am I any less Malaysian if I am not Malay? I think I am more Malaysian though eheheh because I am the result of the mix of many.

Let us find our unity again for the future of this country. Enjoy ....

CV - The Way To Go ... Jun 03, 2009

2009-06-03T09:36:00.004+08:00

You have to take a look see at this link because this chap is quite a genius ... now if only I knew some funky programming I might do something of the like ahahahhh

This guy posted his resume as an animated musical on the net and he really got hired by Microsoft Graphics team. He received job offers from 180 companies; and more than 1,000,000 people viewed this CV...

The link: Alexandre Gueniot

A bit of mid-week entertainment ... seeing as many of us are wondering how to get the right people to hire us for what we're worth :)))

A Change Of Guard ... Jun 01, 2009

2009-06-01T10:11:00.002+08:00

This morning having to drag my sorry ass out of bed and motivate myself into driving the distance to work was hard enough I thought. Then I came into the office and there was hardly anyone around - not sure if they are on leave or these people have silently resigned and gone.

Then I had a short quick conversation with someone I worked with previously and who when I came back here had moved up in management. A really awesome person and back when we were on projects together a great buddy too.

So when I asked him how things were going and he said he was leaving - man suddenly I felt like this is just so not right man!! Everyone I knew from the old days has gone. Barring maybe a handful who also seem to be on at times on their last tethers.

I cannot explain the feeling but I too have to admit, I want out. I want to move on and do something more fulfilling and satisfying for myself and my quality of life overall. All this driving back and forth. The extremely lousy pay, endlessly shoved around till I am thinking sheez what is this all leading to? I feel unwanted unappreciated and this translates into feeling worthless.

But the thing is I am not worthless. I have a good brain and I put in my effort more than 100% when on the field on the job because I hate being caught with my pants down (- figuratively speaking that is).

Time to revisit my cash situation. Revisit all my little plans in my head - I know they can work, I just need the market niche and I think it exists. But finances - that's my problem. To venture into business, one must have cash. And I don't have it ready. What I have is a hand to mouth existence on a monthly basis.

But then again, all mega rich people today unless born into it like Paris Hilton, is a rags to riches story. I am sure if I get all my guts and gumption together and kick it off, I will stay the course to making it happen. It's that first kickoff.

The uncertainty and the fear of losing what little moolah I have and the fact it's not just me I have to worry about, I have the girls too. I want to make things happen because I want to give my girls the best. Its double the challenge being a single mom but others have not been held back, so me thinks me also can do it. I just need that first believe in myself.

I need to believe it will happen and even if it fails the first few times, it will happen because my intentions are in the right place as is my heart. I am not going out there to swindle and cheat people. My plans are about enhancing their quality of life perhaps in some small way.

Come on ani, let's get cracking on the feasibility angles. I got to get some rough sketches out. Get a marketing pitch worked out (a bit rusty seeing as I have not done marketing in almost 15 yrs). So it's coming to this yaar .. I mean I want to end my 30s with something successful. It has been a harrowing decade of so many down down down I kinda forgotten what being up feels like.

I know I'm meant to be heading upwards, but what is the modus operandi I should embark on. I keep coming back to one point. I have to venture out on my own. Enough salary slavery ... time to plunge headlong into things like I'd planned when I was still with spouse - although he never let me quit work perhaps he had no faith in me and my talents. But he sure has contributed to my 30s being so tsunamied ehehehehehe only thing I've learned from this is to keep paddling like crazy below the surface to stay afloat ... so I believe then if I venture into the unknown self employed sector, I will keep at it till it gets to where I want to be.

I owe it to myself and my girls and also to all the people who believe in me that I am good, better and even the best in some areas. Everyday I think about it a little more, and I feel I am getting to the point where I will one day wake up and say this is the day, chuck the dead end job that has no satisfaction but a cheque at the end of the month, and move into the unchartered.

Stay tuned, am sure it will come when you least expect it on one of my totally insane days I will say ENOUGH and move away ...

Happy Week All ... and I guess a change of guard is not out of the norm, all boils down to the fact that the only constant is change. Embrace it or break away :)

Do Re Mi .. May 26, 2009

2009-05-26T21:55:00.005+08:00

If this does not put a smile on your face I have no idea what might .... Enjoy the presentation .... and for those who can't see it here click this link Do Re Mi

Just All Tuckered Out!!! ... May 21, 2009

2009-05-21T13:17:00.004+08:00

When I saw this picture - it immediately felt like the reflection of how I am feeling at the moment about my life and me.

It seems the endless trips to the doctor for medication to fight off the flu, the cough, the sore throat and the endless tiring days of being where I really no longer wish to be has finally taken it's toll.

Can you imagine me all bloody tuckered out. Sometimes I feel like my heart is just going to stop beating and I am going to die quite suddenly in mid-step of doing something.

7 years of dragging divorce. All the work stress. The 300,000 km I have driven. The countless people issues. The endless reanalysing of who I am and what am I doing that's wrong and causing the wrongs in my life. I am tired out from trying to freaking get this art of living right.

Lately with the freaking endless mind games at the office. You're in you're out oh for fook sakes bloody decide what you all want. I've grown sick from caring what people have plotted for me. And amazingly every day when it's time to get to office, I am ill. But I drag myself there because, I have bills to pay, food to put on the table.

Had I not had responsibilities, perhaps it might be easier to say Fuck Off and just go live like a hermit some place away from all this venom spewing bile creating people. What I'd give to be this toad in his little green lily pad in some pond. Although the camera that caught this really caught an interesting expression of the frog. I wonder was he hurt? Did he fall short of a perfect landing? What is the story behind this moment.

It's almost the weekend. Having said that weekends are just as tiring with endless things to do. Got to admit, single parenting is no walk in the park. Sometimes, I wish I had someone here to help me out a bit. So that I might catch my breath again. This hyperdrive .ani is burning out. I can hear my body telling me that, but someone stole the brakes. There's only DRIVE in this car ... and so it keeps driving I suppose until everything falls apart.

Perhaps the only consolation is that when everything just falls apart, I might still be alive to perhaps take that quick gasp of air before I am expected to jump right back into the driver's seat and start driving all over again.

I am crawling into the weekend almost literally if not figuratively. To close my eyes, and hear nothing for a few short moments none of those unspoken expectations of everyone around me to be superhuman, to do it right, to give in to their needs, to completely stop living for me and just be some form that makes their expectations realities.

I wonder if me taking a pass and heading off the beaten track might give me back some of the spirit I seem to be losing under layers of worry.

I do look like this frog right about now ... clutching my heart about to collapse ... anyone got any ideas how to feel alive again??? I miss the old me so much ... where'd I go?

Is The War Really Over ... May 19, 2009

2009-05-19T10:20:00.002+08:00

News of the LTTE waged war come to a crashing end and news about the death of Vellupillai Prabakaran it's leader trickles out.

Some say he managed to escape. Others say he is dead. The fighting has come to an end. Others around wait till the Sri Lankan Army releases images of the dead LTTE leader.

North Indian friends say good riddance, for they still harbour anger for what has been notoriously linked with the LTTE - the suicide bomber that killed Rajiv Gandhi.

Just over the weekend, my father spent two and half hours listening to Prabakaran's brother in a broadcast of a gathering covered in Tamilnad - are there sympathisers to the cause still in Tamilnad - afterall the speaker openly claimed that firepower was provided and shipped from this south indian state to the predominantly Tamil north Sri Lanka.

I know scores of separate Tamil state supporters and until very recent weeks I was still receiving sms-es asking to support to cause. I am half Ceylonese. I do not deny my part heritage, in fact my mother's father's family has a very interesting history ... but that is a past now lost, no more royal days, we are but common people now.

My sister put it quite succinctly yesterday when she said for 30years and thousands dead, not an inch of Tamil state was achieved. One then begins to wonder, where did it all go wrong.

The Sinhala majority in Sri Lanka, quite like our NEP sheltered Malays have since the independence from the British taken an upper hand in things. I found it most interesting when in 1995 I spent 6 weeks in Sri Lanka, some weeks amongst the displaced Tamils in Colombo in their cramped slums where clean water and proper sewerage was impossible to see. Where children also had no access to education except for what was provided within the commpound walls.

I also met displaced Indian Tamils, who were once also landowners but who because of the fighting now found themselves in equally sad state of affairs. To Sri Lanka, they were Indians, to India they were Sri Lankans - and their lot after losing land and home and a sense of belonging, a tiny tin shed in a slum to call home.

My maternal ancestors are proud Sri Lankan Tamils. They once owned large spreads of land rich and flourishing. My mom's last visit in 2004, to Jaffna and other pockets where our family were from, saw abandoned land pock marked with the scars of endless battles.

One grand aunt's shelled house structure clings on in pieces to her sister's house that miraculously was spared a direct hit because one son volunteered for the LTTE - no one has heard from him since in over 25 years I think. All other able bodied educated younger relatives have long since moved abroad and settle globally giving their children and grandchildren a shot at living a peaceful life.

Some of the older generation stayed on, hoping someday this war would end, someday peace would once again descend in the north and once again the lands would be rich in harvest bounty. I know most of my grand aunts and uncles have died waiting for that day to come. And I think many other friends have seen much the same happen to their families too.

When I was in Sri Lanka in 1995, I never made it up north. Too much fighting was on-going and Elephant Pass was inaccessible. It was no man's land. Sometime in the late 90s, the mother of one of my mom's friends when to the north, to visit family that was still there. That 75 year old lady ended walking 2 weeks through fighting to get back unto the safe zone to finally find transport to Colombo to fly out home to Malaysia.

Too much pain. Too many lives lost. And the Tamil people of Sri Lanka's dreams of a separate state now hang in the wind. What of it. There was a line I saw on BBC.com - a Sinhala woman said "We shouldn't be triumphalist" and I think she has a point.

The coverage shows people celebrating the end of the war, but I ask is it really the end. If the majority Sinhala continue to suppress the Tamils and Muslims who are minorities, this will continue to give reason for dissent.

There is also concern that "a hunt for Tigers and traitors will continue - reflecting on the hard line the government has often taken towards dissenting voices and those it accuses of giving comfort to the rebels."

I think the people of Sri Lanka need to heal from all this warring. And I think the Sinhala government should open table talks with the Tamils and Muslims, giving each a chance to speak of a better tomorrow for all of them.

Most Sinhalas cannot speak or understand Tamil, but most Tamils speak Sinhala - kinda like how all other Malaysians speak Malay - to get anywhere you need to adapt and assimilate.

I pray and wish peace upon Sri Lanka as a whole. To those who see their dreams of a separate Tamil state now in disarray, perhaps we need to revisit the reasons, and take to the table like gentlemen. Perhaps the Sinhala government may not be so ready to hear your side out, but look at what 30years of taking up arms has done. Has it gotten you any closer to your dreams or shattered them and pushed it further into remaining unrealised.

To those who sat in safe comforts of the west and other countries and supported and funded this war, you had your reasons for doing so. Now it might be time to support and fund the recontruction of a devastated land. Some of you might be anxious that your refugee status might now be revoked and you will have to lock stock and barrel return to your homeland, perhaps your motives in funding the war was also purely selfish, because it let you live in comfort and safety, while those thousands who could not afford to leave for safety were left to survive the harsh realities of war.

Even though Malaysia is my home and I am only 50% Sri Lankan Tamil, but I realise how much pain and suffering has taken place - and it is not right in Sri Lanka, it is not right in the middle east - it is just not right for innocents to die for the ideology of a few.

When will mankind realise, the time of war and senseless loss of life must come to an end.

Wanting Children ... May 14, 2009

2009-05-14T14:23:00.003+08:00

I have been reading the news and the matters that I read always provide endless fodder for me to ruminate upon *eheheh does the image of a cow chewing cud come to mind?*

I was reading this morning in TheStar online about the plight of abandoned children who over and above being abandoned, have no birth certificates which then disallows them from being registered for school their only chance at somehow getting somewhere in life - an education.

Apparently if your parents weren't educated or informed to have your birth registered and they had no other choice but to then abandon you due to their own poverty or whatever contributory reasons, you the already abandoned traumatised child could forget about trying to get an education to fend for yourself in the future.

This all deciding birth certificate was the piece of paper so vital for that journey to commence.

I wonder really if abandoned children need some more persecution than that they have already endured. I know some are fortunate to be adopted by loving caring couples who proceed to make up for their biological loss providing these children opportunities that they probably never would have had, had their biological parents held on to them.

This is quite a 2 edged sword isn't it?

There are couples wanting children. And then there are wanting children. Both are very different in nature and circumstances. The former are people who want so much to hold and to love a child of their own creation. To guide and nurture to watch over and share family memories with.

The latter on the other hand are children wanting all of what the former can give but don't get because of their circumstance of birth.

If only both lives would merge ... and then there would no longer be any wanting for either. But that's the oddity of life. We never seem to get what we want. Or if we do it's often through a huge long journey. Some of these journeys end with fairy tale happy endings. Some seem to take on the hue of fairy tales, but suddenly become horror stories as well. There's never knowing which side of the coin is coming up for which party.

I was reading the other day a piece on a former Miss Malaysia - Samantha Schubert, who herself is an adopted child who went on to represent Malaysia at the Ms World I think years ago. She is now married and settled in the UK and she adopted 2 Indian children a girl and boy and now has her own biological son. And I thought how many would go out to give children such a wonderful gift of another shot at life with better circumstances. I have to take my hat off to Samantha for looking beyond skin and colour and creed.

I know quite some people who have done that. Some because they could not have biological children. Some because they had the capacity to take in abandoned children to love and nurture as their own. Had I been a hugely successful financially secure person, I know I too would like to extend my love and home to some child. But I have to be realistic, I am capable of loving more than my own 2 daughters, but financially I would not be able to sustain all of us. So perhaps my time has yet to come, perhaps it will in time.

Children are God's blessings. Although it still continues to baffle me how people can throw their babies in dustbins, public toilets, under bushes leaving that innocent child to its own fate, I guess they too have their reasons and their own journeys to travel.

I wish though adults were more responsible in their actions. Then perhaps we would not read so many unhappy stories. And more importantly I wish that once the child is born that they at least make the effort to record the birth and give that child a legitimacy to at least get an education.

But I do not know their reasons, so I cannot judge their actions. I do know however, that it is not good to further hurt an already hurting child. Give them a chance at life it's already laid with obstacles don't be one of the obstacles then.

Let there be less wanting children in the world, and perhaps we may in some form or manner contribute to better their tomorrows and not pose more obstacles.